What doesn't kill us
by sherlock1921
Summary: Once again Ruth decides to sacrifice everything to keep Harry safe. Will they ever be able to find a way to be together or is this one rift too many?
1. Chapter 1

What doesn't kill you

Chapter One

 **Lot's of you have asked me to share this story again and although I didn't want to be posting two stories at the same time I decided there would be no harm in seeing if people did enjoy reading it again.**

 **In my mind this starts around the time of the infamous inquiry.**

The letterbox rattled as the days post landed with a dull thud on the hall mat. Another day had begun, another day of tedium and regret. Another day to be filled with pointless and mind numbing activities. _Oh how the mighty have fallen_ he thought. Here he was the great Harry Pearce, leader of men (and women), a man who had commanded the respect and fear of many reduced to waiting for the post man to deliver so that he could occupy a few minutes sorting the bills from the other dross that landed on the mat. Since his enforced early retirement on medical grounds time had hung heavily on his shoulders, he'd sacrificed so much for the service and now he was paying the price.

Of course no one but those closest to him would ever know just how deep his feelings of despair and disappointment went. He still dined at his club two or three times a month, was still an active member of the M.C.C. and was always immaculately turned out. He always gave the impression that he was busy, had many irons in the fire but of course he couldn't talk about any of them. And because he was such a master of his craft his acquaintances and peers thought that Harry Pearce was doing just fine.

Well at least today would be a little different; today was his birthday, so there would be cards. He was sure that his daughter would send him one, if he was lucky his son Graham would have remembered, ( _he had become closer to his son since his life changing injuries and subsequent breakdown )_ there would be one from his old team at Thames House and of course Malcolm would have popped a card in the post even though he'd be coming round later in the day to share a meal and a bottle with him. But said the nagging voice at the back of his mind _She won't be sending you a card, she won't even remember it's your birthday Harry, to her you're just an old man best forgotten._ Even so a small flame of hope burned in his chest until he bent to pick up the accumulated post and no there was no card from her. No card from Ruth.

A couple of hours later and he'd given in to his inner demons and was nursing his first Scotch of the day, he knew that he drank too much but truth be told he didn't bloody care, it helped him get through the long days, it helped him cope with the loneliness and he liked to think of it as self medication rather than the addiction that it was fast becoming.

Inevitably his thoughts ran back to the last time he had seen and spoken to Ruth. He shuddered when he remembered what a complete boor he'd been, how selfish and egotistical he'd been. The Albany enquiry had been halted and he was back on the Grid, booted and suited, ready to crack a few heads and flex his muscles. Ready to show his detractors that Harry Pearce was still a force to reckoned with …...

When he'd entered the Grid his eyes had automatically sought her out but for some reason she'd looked abashed and slightly nervous, unsure in fact and for some reason that had irked him, she was after all supposed to be on his side, she should have been as pleased as he was He had noticed that when he had exited the pods everyone had gathered around him offering congratulations, everyone but Ruth, she'd reminded sitting at her desk, not raising her head, not even looking at him. She should have been willing to share in his triumph. And as a result he had been less than welcoming when she'd entered his office a while later.

"Yes Ruth, can I help you, I'm rather busy right now. Can it wait?"

" I need to talk to you Harry, and no I don't think that it can wait. I have something to tell you...And please for the love of God Harry will you stop pacing and listen."

Looking back he now realised that she had been kind when she had accused him of pacing when in fact what he was doing was strutting like a rooster in a farmyard, God Almighty he had been all but preening!

She then had proceeded to inform him that she had been offered a secondment to Six and that she had accepted it! That she would be leaving the Grid that very afternoon!

He had exploded, he had been playing over in his mind how they would work together again, how she must have come to realise how much she meant to him, he had been willing to lose everything for her. Surely she must have understood that his actions had been a declaration of love!And now she was telling him that she was leaving him again! It seemed that she was not even willing to give them a chance, he had so much to offer her and she was throwing it back in his face. And to say she was going to work for Six that was an insult too far! He had played over in his mind many times the exchange...

"What do you mean? You can't work for Six. You are my analyst. You belong here with me...us!"

"As of two hours ago Harry I work for Six, I'm only here to clear my desk. When you are feeling calmer you will realise that this is all for the best. It will be better all round if we put some space between us Harry. As you said; _We move on from this"_

And she had been so calm about the whole thing, she had kept her head down it was true, she didn't look him in the eye and she was fiddling with her fingers all the time she delivered what appeared to him to be a well rehearsed speech and that had only wound him up more. The mixture of disappointment and disbelief at what she was saying coupled with the adrenalin that was pulsing through his veins as a result of his triumph was a heady and corrosive combination. How dare she spoil his moment of victory, how dare she once more snatch away from him the longed for, yearned for; hope that they might have a future together.

"Well Miss Evershed I think that you will find I am STILL your boss and I refuse to sign the paperwork so no such transfer will take place! I suggest that you go back to your desk and do some bloody work instead of coming in here and winding me up!"

All the while that he had been speaking he had been aware that his voice had been rising and that all those on the Grid had stopped work and were staring into his office.

"Harry, the D.G. and the Home Secretary have signed the transfer form. It's a done deal Harry. No more to be said."

That's when he really lost it, he had screamed at her, he had swept everything off his desk with one sweep of his arm and he had been vaguely aware that he was advancing towards her when his office door had opened and Dmitri had stood there a look of concern plain on his face. Ruth had backed towards the younger man and made her escape with his parting words ringing in his ears...

"Yes that's right Ruth run, run like you always do! God forbid that you should be happy for me, God forbid that you would see a way forward from this. You are a bloody coward Ruth Evershed, a bloody selfish coward!"

He had been going to follow her out onto the Grid and continue his tirade such was the state that he had got himself into but at that moment his phone rang and he had to scramble about on the floor to find it. By the time he had located and answered it she had gone!

He knew that he should have followed her then and there but his pride was hurt and he decided that he would let her stew for a few hours before he went round to her place and talked to her calmly and persuaded her that she was talking nonsense and that the last thing she wanted to do was to leave him.

t.b.c.

I hope that anyone who reads this will think it is worth commenting on. All feedback positive or negative is more than welcome.


	2. Chapter 2

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Two

 **I have been quite overwhelmed with the response to the re-posting of this story. Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to leave a review and/or PM me. Here is the second chapter for you to enjoy.**

It had been the Home Secretary on the line telling him to stay in his office and wait for his arrival as he was on his way at that very moment from Whitehall. Harry knew that he had paid not a small part in the Albany enquiry being shelved so he was minded to heed the request and spent the time retrieving the contents of his desk from the floor and going over in his head what he would say to Ruth to make her see sense.

Thirty minutes later Towers was sat opposite him with a small glass of single malt looking at Harry as though he was some kind of specimen under glass. He cleared his throat and spoke...

"Harry, I believe that you have already spoken to Miss Evershed.. er Ruth?"

"Yes we have spoken, things got a little heated but I am sure that I can mend the bridges that I burnt Home Secretary. Mending bridges with Ms. Evershed is something I'm very good at. Iv'e had plenty of practice over the years."

"Mixed metaphors there Harry? Now I want you to listen to me carefully, I do not want you to interrupt until I have finished speaking. Understood? Good."

Taking a large sip of his whisky Towers spoke again …...

"You have made many enemies over the years Harry Pearce, some of them amongst your own side. You are single minded, fierce, and at times arrogant and the Albany fiasco was seen by some within the wider service as a chance to bring you to heel. Some wanted to humiliate you Harry whilst others would settle for nothing less than your head on a plate. It took a lot of work, calling in favours and if I am honest blackmail to get you reinstated Harry. The last stumbling block was Six. They really don't like you Harry, and as a result of that they would only agree to my proposals if they could sever one of your limbs, metaphorically speaking that is."

Harry breathed one word "Ruth".

"Yes Harry Ruth. Six have envied your analyst for a long time now, it is common knowledge that she's brilliant, that you and Five benefit from her brilliance and insight on a daily basis. That she is so to speak, The Jewel in your Crown Harry and they wanted her. They are setting up an operation in Beijing and need someone out there to do what she does best so their price for letting you keep your job was put in the simplest terms Miss Evershed. Of course I think that it was an added bonus to them that they would be taking her away from know Harry that she is the one that reins you in when you are about to go off half cocked, they know that she is the only one that you take any notice of. They know how important her presence is to you Harry. They know that she means an awful lot to you.

Towers wondered silently if he dare repeat some of the speculation that he had heard about the head of MI5 ans his ananlyst. The conjecture about the prowess of Ruth Evershed between the sheets. It was widely thought that she must be something special if she could keep Harry Pearce interesed for such a long tim. But looking at the man before him he decided that this was neither the time nor the place to share such thoughts.

" Come on Harry it's common knowledge that you've been sleeping with her for years! Surely you must have realised that the chickens would come home to roost!"

Towers seemed to be on a roll and despite Harry pushing himself away from his desk and starting to pace like a caged lion he pressed on...

"Do you know what advice I received when I was appointed? Be nice to Ruth Evershed. If you can get her on side you'll get Harry Pearce, because to put it crudely _she has Harry Pearce by the balls!_ I thought it was all stuff and nonsense till I saw you together. Good God man sometimes you can cut the sexual tension between you with a knife! And the way you look at each other can verge on the pornographic! So please don't insult my intelligance by denying it!"

Harry Pearce was struggling to comprehend and digest the words of the Home Secretary. He had almost snorted in disdain when the stupid man had intimated that he and Ruth were in an intimate relationship! Chance would be a bloody fine thing! And so his reply to Towers was less than articulate.

"And she agreed to this?" he asked.

"Well it did take some persuasion but in the end she saw the sense in it and it's only for two years maximum."

"Will she be safe. Can they guarantee her safety. No wait forget about that, I refuse to let you manipulate us in that way. Cancel the secondment I'll take my chances and go back to the tribunal, you can't do this. I can't lose her again!"

"Sorry Harry the deed is done, no turning back now. I am aware Harry as is everyone within the service of your er...personal attachment to Ruth that is why apart from her undoubted brilliance they have targeted her."

"As to her safety she will based in our Embassy, she will have full diplomatic immunity and a twenty four hour personal guard, she is a valuable asset Harry, she will be very well taken care of believe you me. Oh just one more thing there will be absolutely no communication of **any** kind between the two of you; it might put her in danger we cannot afford for her to be put in any jeopardy. I' m sorry Harry but that is just the way it is. I am sure you understand. Good of the country and all that."

After the departure of Towers he had drawn his blinds and poured himself another larger snifter of whisky which he cradled as he went over the last few hours and its revelations. It was now clear to him that Ruth had once more sacrificed herself for him and how had he repaid her? By doubting her,by telling her that she was a coward when in fact he was the coward. He had been a coward for many years. He should have fought for her starting when she had turned down the offer of a second date. He was a bloody fool but he would put it right if it was the last thing he ever did!

Later that night he found himself inside Ruth's house, he was very aware that he had been followed when he had left Thames House but really sending _children_ to tail him! He didn't know if he should be amused or insulted.

It had not taken much ingenuity for him to break-in unseen but he knew as soon as he set foot inside the house that she had gone. The house had that sad empty feel about it that he recognised so well. He set about a desultory search hoping against hope that she had left him something, something personal that he could take with him when he left. And there on her bed-side table was a copy of Persuasion he picked it up intending to take it with him and an envelope addressed to him fell out of it. He placed the the book back on the table, tucked the letter in his inside pocket and quickly exited the house. He had been in there no more than ten minutes and had left no trace of his presence.

Once home he made sure that his house was secure and then opened the letter

 _Dear Harry_

 _If you are reading this you will be aware that I am no longer in the country. It is for the best you are worth so much more than me. We all depend upon you to be the man who stands on the wall. The man who will defend us all come what may._

 _I am not that strong Harry but I was given a chance to protect you and there was never any doubt in my mind that I would take that chance. It was very forcefully pointed out to me that I appear to be your Achilles Heel and that you would be safer with me away from you and that does make sense. I need to protect you._

 _I just wish that you had let me explain to you today what was going on but you were …...Well it's hard for me to fathom out where you were and just what was going on._

 _But I want you to know that I have no regrets about the time that I have been fortunate enough to spend with you._

 _Because of the nature of the work we do I don't know if we will ever see each other again or spend time with you. I had hoped that we could have shared the chance to find our way to a better understanding, to find a way back to each other. I need you to know that I do not blame you for George or for my losing Nico. I am the one to blame for what happened to them. I am the one that thought it was alright to bring them into the dark world that is my life. You asked me if I loved George and I don't think that I ever answered you. Yes I loved George, I loved the fact that he was able to give me the chance of a "normal" life. A life that was uncomplicated, a life that included Nico. A life that was elegant and calm, a wonderful life. But was I in love with George, no. I could never be in love with him because a part of me will always be tucked away and secret waiting for just one person._

 _I really felt that we were getting there Harry, but as always our timing was abysmal! But maybe we were not meant to have that kind of happiness. But please remember that you are a true friend Harry and you will ALWAYS have a special secret place in my heart._

 _Do take care Harry and try not to get shot. Oh and always count to TEN before you make a rash decision!_

 _For ever your Ruth._

 _P.S. Maybe one regret, we should have gone out on that second date!_

He had cried when he read the letter. She had not told him that she loved him but she had said that she would for ever be his Ruth. And he vowed there and then that she would be proud of him. That he would stand on the wall, that he would make a difference.

As the months went on his team became more and more worried about him, he was taking chances that he should not be taking. He was involving himself in field operations that were in truth beyond the capabilities of a man of his age. So much so that Dimitri called Malcolm and asked for a meeting with him. After exchanging the usual pleasantries Dimitri asked outright

"Has he got a bloody death wish Malcolm? Because it seems to us all that he does. He is becoming a danger to himself and others Malcolm. He has always worked long hours but now he seems to be existing on little or no sleep, alcohol and adrenalin. Yeah Gods Malcolm the girls have taken to bringing in food for him just to make sure that he eats. He is going to get himself either badly hurt or killed Malcolm. Please talk to him."

But before Malcolm had a chance to talk to his old friend Harry was caught in the bomb-blast that would alter his life forever.


	3. Chapter 3

**What doesn't kill us**

 **Chapter Three**

 **Who would have thought that reposting could be fun! The story is already written and I get a second chance to play with it. Thank you all so much for reading and commenting. It means so much. I hope you enjoy this next chapter.**

In the years following the bombing whenever the subject was raised by anyone be it his family, colleagues; the panel that was set up to investigate the matter or the legion of health care professionals who were involved in his rehabilitation Harry Pearce always told the same story. He couldn't remember what had happened. It was a blank. The last thing that he could remember was leaving the Grid with Dmitri. And the next thing he remembered was waking up in I.C.U.

And that was all that he would say.

Dmitri when questioned stated that they had managed to evacuate the building and that he and Harry were leaving;

both of them well aware that time was running out for them. Harry had been right behind him when they'd come to a heavy fire door and he recollected that Harry had reached over his shoulder, opened the door and given him an almighty push that had sent him (Dimitir) hurtling through the doorway. As he landed with some force on his knees two things seemed to happen simultaneously.

The door had slammed shut and there was an explosion. Dmitri had been knocked out for a few minutes,he was never sure if it was the force of his landing or the blast that had been the cause but it had only been momentary and he was brought back to the present with someone shouting in the comms in his ear for an update. He had quickly called for back-up and pulled himself upright. At the time he not known if he was injured or not, he was running on adrenalin. It was only later when they knew that Harry had survived that he realised he had only minor cuts and bruises. But what he clearly remembered as he lay on the ground in the dingy stair well trying to pull himself together, trying to come to terms with the persistent ring in his ears was the fear of what he might find behind the closed door.

And he would never forget the words that were playing on a loop in his head _**Ruth will never forgive me. Ruth will never forgive me.**_ He'd not shared that with the enquiry or anyone else for that matter. It was private and it would stay that way.

Back up had arrived and it was decided that if there had been a secondary device it would have detonated by then so the door was pushed open and they entered fearing the worst.

About thirty feet away from the door lay a bundle of some description. Half of the clothing seemed to have been blown off or burnt by the blast but Harry was moving, obviously in pain but if he could feel pain it meant that he was alive. Medical back up was called for and he was lifted onto a stretcher and the Para-Medics performed the necessary first aid that would stabilise him so he could be airlifted to a secure hospital.

It had been touch and go for a while and Harry was kept under heavy sedation partly as pain control and partly because the doctors needed to treat his injuries. The list was long. They surmised that he must have been lifted off his feet by the the blast. (The device had been planted by the fire door but had not fully ignited). But by some miracle Harry had managed either by good fortune or experience to get his left arm up to cover his face and so protect it from the worst of the blast. He had never the less incurred extensive burns from the tips of his toes on his left foot (his left shoe was never found) up his left leg, his left buttock was full of what could only be described as shrapnel and was badly burnt down to the hip bone. The burns carried on up his torso to his left armpit and then up the inner of his left arm. His left hand had sustained some damage, he had burns to his palm and thumb and strangely his left little finger had been blown off. His neck and left ear had been burned but not too badly and there was only a small area of burning on the left side of his face. The right hand side of his body had only minor burns to the inside of his leg and torso but a good portion of his body had sustained damage of some kind or other and the resulting treatment had been both painful and slow. About three months in it had become apparent to everyone that Harry Pearce would not be returning to the service in the near future and a plan had been put in place to see him pensioned off on the grounds of "ill health". Much to the surprise of everyone Harry made no comment he just accepted his fate and for a time it seemed that he had figuratively "turned his face to the wall" and given up.

It was only when his daughter Catherine had announced that she was pregnant that he had seemed to decide that there might be something worth living for. And so the long fight back to something akin to normality had begun.

It was this much altered man who welcomed his old friend and colleague Malcolm later on that afternoon. Malcolm stepped over the threshold with his over-night bag. They both knew that they would get very drunk tonight so it was inevitable that Malcolm would not be going home!

"Come in Malcolm. Put your bag on the bottom step you can take it up later."

Malcolm did as he was bid and looked closely at his old friend and boss. As always he was dismayed to see the continual change in his appearance. It was obvious that Harry was drinking heavily, he thought that he detected a slight tremor, his eyes looked dead and blood shot and his colour was appalling. He looked bloody awful. For a moment he contemplated telling him how bad he looked and then decided against it instead saying...

"Is that a new car parked in the drive Harry?"

Harry limped down the hall and into the kitchen casting over his shoulder

"Yes it's an automatic. It was just getting so hard to deal with the gear changes what with the leg shortening and well it's easier that's all. Now tea? Coffee ? Or something stronger?

It seemed in that moment that Harry's comment about the car summed up just how low he had become. The old Harry Pearce would not have let a simple thing like a gear box beat him. He would have carried on and on until he had beaten it into submission. But this Harry appeared to be willing to take the whole thing as inevitable. Seemed to accept that his life would now become a series of defeats. None of this he spoke out loud. There would be time for that later.

"Oh tea I think, plenty of time for the hard stuff later."

Malcolm noticed that Harry had already started on the whisky but was pleased to see that he had got out the large tea-pot and was fiddling about with two mugs.

"Something smells good Harry. No takeaway tonight?"

Harry laughed and said

"Not tonight Malcolm, I've been taking lessons from Catherine, she's still on maternity leave and it's driving her bonkers so I'm a bit of a pet project of hers. She's decided to teach me to cook so roast rib of beef and all the trimmings tonight followed by apple crumble and cream."

Later after they had polished off a very good bottle of red and a couple of glasses of brandy each they sat one each side of the fire nursing tumblers of twenty year aged whisky and inevitable as is the wont of old friends they started to reminisce. They talked about the colleagues that they had lost and raised their glasses to them Colin. Adam, Fiona, Jo and oh so many more, all of them much to young to be taken.

They sank into a maudlin state and Malcolm was horrified to see that Harry was crying.

"What on earth is the matter old man?" he asked. "Are you in pain? Can I get you something?"

"No no It's fine Malcolm. Just being a sentimental old fool; ignore me. Old age and too much booze that's all"

Pausing to catch his breath Harry carried on

"Did I tell you that I have decided to call a halt to the plastic surgery? Anything else that they do now will just be cosmetic and what is it they say _You can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear_ and anyway no one but me and the legion of doctors and nurses that have become so much a part of my miserable existence are likely to see me naked so what's the point".

"You might meet someone Harry, you are still a relatively young man and you know as well as I do that you have a knack with the fair sex. Don't give up just yet".

"Oh I gave up a long time ago Malcolm. You can't give your heart away when it doesn't belong to you any more."

They lapsed into an uneasy silence, they both knew what he was talking about but neither of them wanted to clarify the statement.

"Do you know Malcolm she has never, ever tried to make contact. Not once, not bloody once. And I know oh so well that she never will now. Oh a little part of me hopes against hope that she will but she will have moved on. She is a beautiful woman, still young, why would she be interested in a damaged old wreck like me?"

"Harry" began his companion.

But it seemed that he was on a roll and he ignored Malcolm and carried on

"If I couldn't get her to acknowledge her feelings for me when I was at the top of my game, when I was somebody what bloody chance do I have now? It terrifies me Malcolm half of me longs to see her and the other half dreads it. Is loath to let her see what has become of me. I was never attractive, well maybe for a couple of months in the mid seventies! But now..."

Here Malcolm felt that he had to interject

"You are talking nonsense, you know that she is not like that. She is not a shallow person. She cared,cares about you not the package that you come in. Feeling sorry for yourself doesn't suit you Harry. And as for her not being in touch with you that works both ways you know!"

"Oh I contemplated it old chap, made some discreet enquiries, called in a few favours and discovered that she was coping quite well without me. Of course she was excelling at the job, there was never any doubt that she would do any other. But she had also formed a _friendship_ ".

This last word was spoken with such heart ache and despair that Malcolm thought that he was once again going to witness tears.

"As I say she formed a friendship with another member of the embassy staff Iain Prentice, brilliant mind, tall,athletic,good looking and just about the same age. Oh and a widower to boot! Now isn't that lucky? And do you know how I know they were, are together Malcolm? Some kind soul or souls was kind enough to send me pictures of them together, walking arm in arm, heads together laughing, sitting on a bench sharing sandwiches. Just being together."

"Yes I know, I was sent the same images Harry but decided not to tell you. I thought that you had enough on your plate without …..." Here his voice trailed off.

"Where are they now Malcolm?I know that they have both left the service . Is she still safe?"

"In Sydney living in a suburb called Mosmann, nice place overlooking the harbour not far from the zoo. Two bedroomed place with good security. They were both recruited by the Australian government, as you are aware threats against Australia have been rising and they were very keen to have their experience. But Harry I do think that you are wrong about the nature of the relationship. Let me explain something to you."

"No Malcolm! I am up to here with the whole bloody awful mess. I'm going to bed. Please lock up and I'll see you in the morning."

And with that he stomped out of the room leaving a bemused and distracted Malcolm to think about what his next move should be. He had known that it was going to be difficult but he had not realised quite how difficult.

The morning brought the two friends together in the kitchen each nursing a large black coffee. once more a painful silence between them.

It was Malcolm who broke the silence...

"I need to tell you something Harry so shut up and listen okay? Ruth is back in the country. Alone."


	4. Chapter 4

Harry Four

On the other side of the city Ruth Evershed closed the door to her new home. She'd arranged the six month lease before she'd left Australia and had been pleasantly surprised when she'd first viewed her new home. She'd chosen it initially because of the location and the fact that the security offered had been top notch but as she had wandered through the small space she'd been thrilled to find that it had been tastefully and attractively decorated. It was not a large flat just an entrance hall, lounge kitchen combo one double bedroom and a surprisingly large bathroom but the views were over Green Park and she could see that she would be happy there whilst she worked out what she was going to do.

It had been an easy decision to leave Australia. The contract with the Australian government had come to an end and dear, sweet Iain had meet someone who seemed to be making it easier for him to move on from his all consuming grief over the death of his wife. She had been so happy for him and had told him so. She should have been ready for what Iain had said to her in reply

"And when are you going to move on Ruth? When are you going to stop grieving? When are you going to get on with the rest of your life?"

She had protested that she had no idea what he was talking about but they had shared too much over the past few years for her to pull the wool over his eyes.

"Do you know where he is Ruth? How he is? If he has moved on? Although from what you tell me about him I doubt that very much. Do something Ruth, do something positive. You still love him I know that you do. Try, you owe yourself that much."

And so in a very short amount of time she had found herself at Kingsford Smith airport boarding a flight for Heathrow not knowing what she was going to find at the other end. The only plan that she had was to contact Malcolm as soon as she had settled in her new home.

On the long and protracted journey she thought a lot about Iain Prentice and the friendship that they had forged during the time they spent together in Beijing and Sydney.

When she'd arrived at the embassy she was surprised to find herself treated like a rare commodity and even more surprised to find that she was to head a team of her own analysts. She found the work to be fascinating and engrossing and for the first three months it seemed that she barely left her desk let alone the embassy. She had been aware right from the start that she seemed to attract a bit of interest especially from some of the male members of staff but she didn't take much notice of any of them. She was just not interested.

Her friendship with Iain had begun the night of a trade delegation party at the embassy that her section chief had insisted she attend.

"Do you good Ruth" he said "All work and no play etc. Let your hair down a bit, you've earned it, you're a bloody marvel, I don't know how we managed without you".

She had been flattered as praise was not something that was thrown about in Section C. Maybe an occasional _Well Done_ but more likely just a nod of the head. So she had decided to make the effort and she had been surprised to find that she had enjoyed herself. There was no one there that she really knew so she felt free after a couple of glasses of excellent wine to dance when she was asked, and she was asked a lot. Not only that but her partners were all attentive and seemed to like her enough to flirt with her.

She had excused herself from her last partner and was in the ladies loo when she heard a couple of women come in.

One of them said

"Who's the belle of the ball then?"

"Aggh" said the other "That's Ruth Evershed".

"No! Not the one who had the long term steamy affair with the great Harry Pearce?" Well who would have thought it!"

"Well you know what they say" was the reply "Still waters run deep, and she must have something to keep that old dog interested for so long. And now every available and not so available man on the staff wants to get in her knickers. Wants to be able to say that he slept with Harry Pearce's squeeze".

Ruth had been mortified and she stayed in her cubicle until she heard the women leave still chatting about her supposed liaison with Harry.

She had rushed out of the loo with the intent of going to straight to her room and locking herself in and never coming out again. Unfortunately as she raced round the corner she had collided with the very solid form of a man. She had fallen to the floor and to her horror she had begun crying.

"What on earth is the matter?" he'd asked "Did I hurt you? Are you al-right?"

She'd managed to pull herself together, mumbled something about feeling a little unwell and fled.

Back in her room she took a long shower trying to calm herself but her thoughts kept drifting back to London and to Harry. They'd both sacrificed so much. She'd been prepared to forfeit any chance of her future happiness to keep him safe after Cotterdam and she had done it again because he was more important to her than anyone had ever been or would ever be. She knew with a certainty that was painful that she'd been a fool all those years ago, that she should have thrown caution to the wind and pursued what she really wanted: which was to have a relationship with him. She loved Harry Pearce and always would and to hear their special _friendship_ being spoken about as a subject of idle, ill-informed gossip was heart breaking.

The next day she was dismayed to find her self seated next to the mystery man at the weekly briefing. She had been very quiet cringing every time one of the men present had spoken to her. She would never she thought be able to look any of them in the eye again. The chairman called the meeting to order and then before the meeting proper commenced introduced the stranger as Iain Prentice (we are lucky to have him join us. He's financial whiz kid).

When the meeting broke for refreshments Ruth found herself a quiet corner behind a large potted bamboo and tried to gather herself together. She would be presenting her latest findings next and she needed to be at the top of her game. She was practising some breathing exercises she had read about when she heard a soft voice in her ear.

"Do you remember me? I'm the idiot that nearly knocked you over last night. I hope that I didn't do any permanent damage? Iain, Iain Prentice resident whiz kid. How do you do" he said holding out his hand.

"Oh yes, no harm done, my fault really. Ruth, Ruth Evershed. Pleased to meet you Iain."

Just then the meeting was called back to order and Ruth found that she was able to concentrate on her facts and figures and by the end of her presentation she was feeling more confident. Let them think what they liked. Only two people knew about her relationship with Harry. They could speculate all they wanted. To hell with them all!

Over the coming weeks Ruth settled back into her routine giving everything to her work. Politely but firmly turning down any approaches that were made to her and after a while they stopped and she began to feel more at ease with herself.

During this time she didn't really see Iain Prentice except at meetings when they were both busy and occupied and a couple of times when they passed each other in the corridor and there was only time for a nodded _Hello how are you?_ On these occasions she sensed that he wanted to say more to her but she always made sure that she didn't stop, didn't make eye contact. She found that despite herself she liked him, not in a romantic way but there was something about him that she found very appealing but she was determined not to go there.

Then came the day that their relationship changed for ever. Ruth was sitting in the embassy grounds a copy of Ovid on her lap and a cup of sweet Oolong tea in her hand savouring the fruity aromas when someone blocked out the late afternoon rays of the sun. She looked up ready to be annoyed with whoever had trespassed on her precious solitude when she saw that it was Iain Prentice.

"You have been avoiding me Ruth Evershed" he said without preamble "And I think that I now know why. No please listen to me, hear me out please. "Do you know Ruth why I am here in this far flung part of the world? Allowing myself to be referred to as a bloody whiz kid?

Well I'll tell you. I lost my darling wife, she was killed in a hit and run accident and I just had to get as far away from England as possible.

I am grieving Ruth and so are you. I know that the object of your grief is still alive but you are away from him and unlikely to see him any time soon. Let me be your friend Ruth. We can help each other."

And he added with a definite twinkle in his eye

"If you let me be your friend Ruth you will save me from the match making proclivities of the ambassador's wife. She is driving me mad already. Please save me from a fate worse than death Ruth."

She had looked at him then, the first time that she had really looked at him and she had seen in his eyes sorrow, understanding and just the merest hint of a twinkle. And he had smiled at her a smile that transformed his face. He was the polar opposite of Harry, the ubiquitous tall, dark and handsome which was a good thing as far as she was concerned. If he had reminded her of Harry in the slightest she would have never entertained the idea of friendship with him. As it was that afternoon was to change the way she viewed herself and her life.

They became close and people began to see them as a couple. They spent most of their off duty time together. Walking arm in arm around Beijing, sharing sandwiches and tea. Laughing at the same stupid jokes. They made life bearable for each other and they each carried on grieving for what they had lost. Sharing memories and heartache. It felt good to Ruth to be able to talk about Harry, to be able to confess her foolishness, her regret.

It was her friendship with Iain that gave Ruth the courage to try and get in touch with Harry. She knew that she was being monitored and she was well aware that any contact that she made might well put Harry's position in jeopardy so she decided that she would get in touch with Towers and see if he would impart some news to her. She e-mailed the Home Secretary on his private e mail address keeping the message short and quite general just asking for any news about people she had known when she worked for five. She mentioned no one by name. She hoped that Towers would be bright enough to pick up on what she was really saying.

The reply was short and to the point. It pointed out that part of the deal was that no communication was to take place. That she was in breach of that agreement, that she was to make no further approach of any kind but that he was able to tell her that everyone was well.

It was not what she had hoped for but it was something.

When the end of her secondment was in sight she was invited to a private meeting with the head of six who had flown out of London to see her. She was offered a fantastic deal, asked to virtually name her price for continuing her role with them. She had been delighted to turn him down flat she had plans of her own. The man had stormed and shouted at her and had flung at her

"I hope that you don't think that you are returning to Five. It's all change there, no more Harry Pearce. He's gone and gone for good!"

She had been startled at the vehemence of his reaction to her refusal to extend her contact and was fleetingly terrified that something had happened to Harry, that he was dead or injured. But then the rational side of her brain kicked in and she realised that if he had died there would have been many people who would have been only too happy to inform her. So she thought it most likely that he had retired.

That night she had sat down and written to Harry care of Thames House hoping that someone would pass it on to him and that he would get in touch with her. A fortnight later it had been returned with a cover note saying that the recipient did not wish to receive it. It seemed to her that Harry had made his choice. Maybe he had taken her advice and moved on with his life. She had cried herself to sleep that night. She just hoped that he was happy and if he had indeed found someone and that she was worthy of him and made him happy.

And so when Iain had come to her and told her about his job offer from the Australian government and had encouraged her to go and speak to the Australian ambassador about her working for them she thought why not. And so just one month after her stint in Beijing ended she found herself living in Sydney and she loved it. It took a while learning to live with someone again but Iain was very easy to live with. He was a bit of a neat freak which had caused a couple of spats but they had always made up, usually laughing at something inane that one of them had said in the heat of the moment.

The job was interesting and varied, her social life was the best she had ever had. She loved the laid back somewhat irreverent attitude of the Australians and Sydney was a dream. All in all she told herself she was happy.

And she tried to forget Harry. Except he was always there. She would read something and think I must tell Harry that. She would see someone in the distance and think it was him. She would wake in the night crying because she missed him so much.

So when Iain had shyly introduced her to Kerry and told her that they intended to marry she knew what she had to do. She had to go back to London and hear him tell her face to face that there was no longer any chance for them. That it was really over.

As always Iain had been her rock. He had encouraged her to return to London, to find out first hand if it was truly the end.


	5. Chapter 5

What doesn't kill you

Chapter Five

Harry Pearce gripped the edge of the kitchen work top to steady himself.

"Say that again Malcolm." he demanded his voice harsh with emotion.

"What I said Harry was Ruth is back in London and she's is on her own."

"What about lover boy?"

"Oh grow up Harry, if you'd listened to me last night I was going to tell you that the relationship between Prentice and Ruth was purely platonic. More like brother and sister than anything else. They helped each other when they were both adrift, when they both needed a shoulder to cry on. You should be thanking the man Harry not scorning him. He looked after her for you. He cared for her when she was at her most vulnerable."

"But the pictures?"

"Just stop it Harry, just stop it right now. Sit down I'll put the kettle on and we can talk over a cup of tea."

Harry sat down heavily on the kitchen chair his mind racing at a thousand miles an hour. Ruth was back in the country, maybe even in London! Why had she returned? Why wasn't Prentice with her?What had Prentice been to her? Had his assumptions about their relationship been false? Would she want to see him? Dare he see her? Would she be disgusted by his appearance? Would she care for this version of Harry Pearce old, marked and dispirited?

Malcolm sat down opposite him and told him Ruth had been in touch with him three days ago and that they had meet for tea the day after that. That, yes indeed she did want to see Harry but she was worried that he had moved on and she was no longer important to him. He had explained further that she had attempted to get in touch with him just before she left Beijing but her letter had been returned un-opended.

"But I never received any letter from her Malcolm, no one told me that she was trying to get in touch with me. I thought that she'd moved on. Made a new life for herself. And I tried to be happy for her. I really did."

"It seems to me old man" said Malcolm "That you two have been played by some very unscrupulous people. People who still want to hurt you. Don't let them do it. Do something positive. Only you know how you feel but I like to think that I have a bloody good idea what your feelings are. And I am even more sure about Ruth's feeling for you."

"How can you say that Malcolm, look at me, just bloody look at me! Have you any idea how repugnant I look with no clothes on? More than a quarter of my body is covered in scar tissue, I have a bloody limp that makes me look more of an old man than I am. No wait I am an old man, an ugly, crippled old man. What is somebody as young and beautiful as Ruth going to want with me!"

And with that he pushed himself away from the table and started to pace muttering profanities under him breath.

"Just meet her Harry, that's all she asks. Just meet her. For old times sake if nothing else. And do you think so little of her and her character that you think her so shallow that she'll be swayed by what's befallen you? I don't believe that and neither do you. Show some courage Harry this may well be the last chance for both of you."

The pub was tucked away up a side street. It had been there forever. If you didn't know about it you would be unaware of it's very existence and because of it's location it had escaped the worst of the gentrification of many London pubs. It was old fashioned in the best possible way with God be praised no juke box and no piped music. The clientèle were for the most part regulars,friendly enough but they tended to mind their own business. The perfect place for a meeting.

Harry made his way to the centre of the bar carrying his drink. From where he sat he could see the main door. Every time he heard the door open or close he looked up in anticipation. He was terrified. He had very nearly not got here. He and Malcolm had ended up shouting at each other in his kitchen yesterday morning. Malcolm had accused him of being a coward, of not having the courage of his convictions. Of being a selfish idiot who was enjoying his role as a bloody martyr. He in turn had called Malcolm an interfering old woman, a man who had no idea what passion was, a man who had no idea what it was like to live with heartbreak and rejection. They had ended up standing toe to toe besides the kitchen table staring each other down.

But in the end it was Malcolm who had the last word.

"Say what you like Harry, call me all the names under the sun, you're going to meet her come hell or high water!"

In the end Malcolm had been in touch with Catherine about the situation and she had taken matters into her own hands and had insisted on picking him up and delivering him to the rendezvous, waiting by the kerb whilst he made his way inside. Her parting comment had been

"Don't you dare leave until you have seen her or I will never forgive you. Take a chance to be happy Dad."

So here he sat nursing his whisky waiting for the rest of his life to begin and she was late. Typical bloody Ruth he thought fondly.

Just then the door was flung open and there she was slightly out of breath and beautifully, charmingly dishevelled . And she was everything he remembered and so much more. He stood stiffly, silently cursing his leg for letting him down and she moved towards him. The noisy pub faded into the background and all that he could see, all that he could hear was Ruth. His Ruth.

 _In fact Ruth had been there before Harry. She'd not been sure of the exact location so she'd decided the best course of action was to find out just where she was going before Harry arrived. Of course sod's law dictated that she found the place with no trouble at all so she found herself with time to kill.. She was loath to wait in the pub itself, she knew that Harry would like the symbolism of her coming to him. Of her being the one who walked towards him. So she decided to do some window shopping to pass the time. She had just turned the corner from Molton Street when she noticed a car pulling up to the kerb outside the pub. Some instinct made her stop and watch._

 _A man got out of the car. An older man with greying hair and as he moved away from the vehicle she could see that he had a pronounced limp. But the thing that struck her most was the air of defeat and despair that seemed to drape itself around his hunched shoulders. This could not possibly be Harry Pearce her heart screamed but her head screamed louder oh but it is!_

 _She thought back to what Malcolm had said to her, she had thought that he was laying it on a bit thick in order to make sure that she went through with her plan to meet Harry_

" _He's changed Ruth. I don't only mean the physical changes they are bad enough but it's the psychological changes that are the really worrying thing. He seems to have given up Ruth. Please I beg of you see him. If you can't find it in your heart to be anything more than a friend to him please do that at least. He needs all the friends he can get at the moment."_

 _She stood deep in thought for so long that when she finally pulled herself together she realised that she was now late and that Harry would she was sure be starting to fret. Taking a deep breath she crossed the street narrowly avoiding a cyclist and feeling quite flustered and wrong footed she pushed open the door to the pub._

"Ruth" he said as he extended his hand towards her drinking in everything about her in an instance. Her hair was longer, she was wearing a shorter skirt than he was used to seeing her wear, she had a healthy tan, her eyes were even bluer than he recalled. She was oh so much better in the flesh than any of his dreams and day dreams about her.

 _For her part Ruth saw Harry. Just Harry, older, certainly battered about a bit but it was still Harry. The thing that struck her most forcibly was the air of melancholy that surrounded him. He seemed to wear it like a mantle, it radiated from him. And his eyes, the look in his eyes almost broke her. She had never before believed so strongly the saying **The eyes are the windows to the the soul** but there and then in that London pub she knew that it was true. In his eyes she saw fear, longing, regret and just a fleeting glimmer of hope. Without pausing to think she stepped forward grasped his hand, pulled him towards her and just before kissing him gently on his lips she whispered_

" _You have no idea how much I have missed you Harry Pearce."_


	6. Chapter 6

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Six

He eased himself into bed behind her draping his arm over her tummy and pulled her closer to him. Just to be able to hold her like this was heaven to him. He nuzzled into the back of her neck whispering

"Are you awake darling?"

"No, I'm asleep Harry and I suggest you do the same thing."

He chuckled and continued kissing her neck and stroking her stomach his hand moving under the camisole top she wore.

"Thank you." he said "Thank you for tonight and for everything."

Ruth Pearce sighed and turned to face her husband

"I'm your wife Harry, you have nothing to thank me for. Where else would I have been tonight but by your side. We're a team after all."

"And a bloody good one, but then I always knew that we would be."

"Excuse me Sir Harry Pearce!" said his wife turning to prop herself up on her elbow as she looked down at him "I do believe that it was me who had to make all the running to get this show on the road!"

Eighteen Months Before

Harry had been startled by Ruth's kiss. Not that it wasn't wonderful, he just not been expecting it. He could feel himself flushing and words were proving very hard to come by.

"I missed you as well Ruth. Drink? Is it still white wine?"

And he nodded at the barman who produced a bottle of white burgundy and a couple of glasses which he placed on the table. Harry picked up the bottle to pour them each a glass and Ruth noticed the damage to his left hand. She gently took it in hers and asked

"Does it still hurt Harry?"

"No, no itches more than anything. Let's change the subject shall we. Tell me all about what you've been doing. I'm dying to hear all your news."

And so Ruth told him about her exile in China, about the wonderful time that she'd had in Australia. About how she loved Sydney and how she had very nearly been happy there. About how she would love to show him the city and all the wonderful secret little places she'd found. And she talked about Iain and what a very good friend he'd been to her when she needed one.

Harry for his part just sat there drinking her in, trying to hide his damaged hand under the table and fretting about her reaction if she ever saw the rest of his damaged body. Trying not to let her see the jealousy that coursed through his body when she spoke about Ian Prentice. Ian Prentice, the man he envied more than any man alive, the man who had been able to spend so much time with _his_ Ruth.

After a few minutes he realised that she had finished talking and was giving him what his mother would have described as _an old fashioned look_. He could see that she was waiting for him to contribute something; anything to the conversation but nothing, nothing at all was forthcoming. He was mute. There was so much at stake and he was terrified that if he opened his mouth he would put his foot in it and ruin any chance that they might have. After all that was what he had always done in the past.

His companion gave an exasperated shrug and said

"This isn't working is it Harry?"

In that moment he was terrified that he blown it. And so soon.

"No wait Ruth" he said "I know that I'm not coping very well with this, but I will try harder. I promise to try harder. Please give me a chance. Please."

And in that moment he feared that the tears that were forming at the back of his eyes would slide unbidden down his cheeks.

No Harry you misunderstand me" she said. What I mean is that we need to go somewhere more private so we can really talk. We have, well I have a lot to say and I would feel more comfortable if it was just the two of us."

And so they found themselves in Ruth's flat sharing the ubiquitous cup of tea. Harry searched for something to say, he knew that he needed to keep his end of the conversation flowing although he felt as if he was drowning in a sea of emotion. All he really wanted to do was to declare his undying love and devotion. To tell her that he longed to spend the rest of his life with her, that he wanted to make her his wife, but he didn't dare. So instead he asked her how come she could afford to rent a flat overlooking Green Park!

Ruth looked a little startled at the turn the conversation had taken but replied

"Well Six paid me very well and I lived free board and lodgings at the Embassy and then the salary that Australia paid was more than generous so for the first time in my life I had spare cash, so I thought that I would indulge myself."

"Did you say the lease was for six months? Any plans after that?"

"Well Harry" she said as she stood up and touched his shoulder her voice taking on what he hoped was a seductive tone

"I just thought I'd go with the flow, you know wait and see if anything popped up."

And with that she left the room leaving a bemused and slightly confused Harry sitting at the table. She's flirting with me he thought. She's bloody flirting with me!

From the kitchen Ruth called

"You'll have supper with me Harry? I've got chicken and chorizo in the slow cooker I thought that we could have a salad with it. Is that okay with you?"

Harry roused himself from the sofa deciding that a little flirting on his part wouldn't go amiss even though he was awfully out of practice.

"Well Miss" Evershed" he whispered as he peered over her shoulder to watch her stirring their meal

.

"Here I was thinking that you had lured me to your flat to have your wicked way with me and all you want to do is make sure that I have a decent meal. Still a poor old man like me is grateful for any kindness."

Ruth turned and pushed lightly against his chest as she passed him to get to the fridge

" Yes Harry I have decided to feed you and as for the other? All in good time Harry. All in good time."

Neither of them mentioned their earlier flirting as they enjoyed their meal washed down with a very good bottle of wine. Australian Harry noticed. They had moved to the sofa and Ruth had put some music on in the background as the conversation ranged hither and thither from old friendships to places that they wanted to visit. Harry wanted to say that he would not want to go anywhere without Ruth but the words seemed to be stuck in his throat. Suddenly Ruth sat up and she said

"Do you fancy going a way for a few days Harry? Just the two of us...as friends, old friends. I really fancy spending some time just driving along the South Coast. You know starting at Brighton and just driving west for as long as we feel like it. Do say yes. Please Harry."

At that precise moment Harry Pearce would have said yes if she'd asked him to walk up Mount Everest with her. So he just nodded in agreement.

"Great" she said "Leave everything to me. I'll arrange it all. It's Tuesday today. I'm busy tomorrow so shall we say Thursday, we could leave late morning and try to beat the worst of the rush hour traffic. Shall I hire a car?"

Harry readily agreed to her plans but said that they should take his car, he was keen to show her that he was capable of looking after her, even it was only by providing their transport needs.

They talked some more discussing were they would like stay on their trip and agreed that they would both like to stay in B & Bs rather than in large hotels and that Ruth would make the first choice and that after that they would play it by ear. Harry liked the idea that they would be to all appearances a couple, that people would think that they were together, maybe even married!

All too soon it was time for Harry to leave. Ruth thought fleetingly about asking him to stay the night but thought that he would think that was too forward of her. She was not sure what his feeling towards her were. She knew what she wanted, longed for but apart from a little playful flirting Harry had given her no clue as to his feelings. Maybe he just saw her as a friend. She in a short while had realised that Harry Pearce was a very lonely man, a man who missed the companionship that working on the Grid had provided. She knew she could be making a bad mistake, opening herself up to more hurt but she needed to know. And she thought as she turned in for the night

 _Nothing ventured. Nothing Gained._

If only she had been aware of it across London Harry was having nearly the same thoughts.


	7. Chapter 7

**What doesn't kill us**

 **Chapter Seven**

Harry Pearce stepped from the shower and wrapped himself in a large bath sheet before crossing to his bedroom. He had spent the time in the shower going over in his mind the hours that he'd spent with Ruth. He'd been surprised and startled that she'd been the one to initiate physical contact, the Ruth of old would never have been brave enough to do that and he very unsure as to what his reaction to this new Ruth should be. Before the accident he thought that he would have welcomed a Ruth who seemed more at home with herself, a Ruth who appeared to be willing to push the boundaries of their relationship, but now he didn't know if he could cope with the new Ruth. What would this new confident Ruth think when she saw the damage to his body? True in all the time they had known each other he had never been an adonis but the explosion had surely wrecked any hope he might have harboured that she would find him the slightest bit attractive?

Before their meeting in his own mind he was going to be the one who would take control of the situation, he would be the one who would decide the pace at which the relationship (if there was to be one) progressed. But of course Ruth had come from left field and cut the ground from beneath his feet. This was a more self assured woman than he was used to. And it terrified him. The very thought of seeing her again made him anxious, but he had some idea how to cope with the old Ruth. They would dance around each other, watching one another looking for small indications of encouragement from each other. They would get closer and then Ruth would run and hide and he would re-group and pursue her in a gentle, quiet way until he could get closer to her both physically and emotionally so **he** could be the one to institute the beginning of a more meaningful phase of their relationship.

But his Ruth had once again caught him off guard and he really didn't know how he was going to go forward. Even before being faced with the new Ruth he had had his worries of course he did and as he let the towel drop and faced he forced himself to look in the mirror he felt nothing but despair and he saw just re-inforced his earlier thoughts; his body had been bad enough before the bomb blast but now as far he could see it was nothing short of horrific. He was disfigured and there was no hope that it would ever be any better, oh he could continue with the skin grafts but all that accomplished was scarring other parts of his body to make the skin receiving the graft a little more acceptable, and did he want to put himself through the pain? He though not. And then the big one. He had not been able to achieve an erection since the blast. He was sure that this was caused by a combination of the strong medication that he had been prescribed and the deep soul destroying depression that had taken such a firm hold on him after the of course there was the plain and simple truth that no woman other than Ruth would do for him. And he knew that if he was lucky enough to find that Ruth wanted him he would want to love her completely and entirely, would want a real marriage.

There he had admitted if only to himself what his ultimate ambition was, what his ultimate ambition had always been. He wanted Ruth Evershed to be his wife, he had in truth wanted it for years but had kept it a secret even from himself. Oh he had fantasied about it often enough, but had convinced himself that was all it was the fantasy of an old, damaged unlovable man. A man that she would never want. It was with those negative thoughts racing around his brain that he slipped into bed. His last rumination as he slipped into the arms of Morpheus was a fervent prayer to a God that he was not sure he believed in that he didn't cock the whole thing up!

Wednesday came and went in a blur for Harry. He was woken early in the morning by a phone call from Catherine demanding to know how things had gone and why he hadn't been in touch. It made him smile to hear the pleasure in his daughter's voice when he told her about the trip that they intended to take. The next thing he knew Catherine was knocking on his door insisting that he needed help with his packing and after she had dragged him upstairs and gone through his wardrobe she declared herself very dissatisfied with what was hanging in it.

"Honestly Dad! If you were going on a formal state visit, dinner at your club or going to slob around here all week you would be fine, but you really need some smart casual. Come on get your jacket and we'll get you kitted out"

A couple of hours later Harry found himself in his kitchen surrounded by carrier bags as the whirl wind that was Catherine exited the front door throwing over her shoulder

"You'll be the cat's whiskers in your new threads Dad. Wear the soft jeans and that lovely blue cashmere sweater that you picked tomorrow, it looked great on you. And just enjoy yourself, she wants you Dad and I know you want her. Just be yourself. And keep in touch!"

Late Thursday morning found him pulling up outside Ruth's building in his Range Rover Evoque. He rang the bell and was pleased that he had listened to Catherine's advice as Ruth ran an appreciative eye over him and commented very favourably on his appearance.

"I always did like you in blue Harry. Do you want to come in for a coffee or shall we get off?"

Harry said that he would much rather get off because he knew that they had to tackle the M25 which was always busy and as far as he was concerned the sooner it was negotiated and put behind them the better. Ruth's bags were soon safely stowed in the boot alongside Harry's and they set off in high spirits. Ruth produced a bag of Wine Gums from her handbag and popped one into Harry's mouth. He raised his eyebrow to her in a silent question.

"I know it's silly" she told him "But my father always used to produce Wine Gums when we were in the car and going on an _adventure,_ and that's what this is isn't it Harry? An _adventure._


	8. Chapter 8

What doesn't kill us

 **Chapter Eight**

If Harry had been surprised Ruth had booked them both into the same room he hid it very well. They'd followed the porter into the ornate lift neither of them saying a word. Both of them just wanting the young man to be gone so that they could each for their own reasons come to terms with the new intimacy that Ruth seemed to have chosen for them.

Ruth was the first to break the silence after Harry had tipped and closed the door firmly telling the young man that if they needed anything they would let him know. As he turned to face Ruth he raised an enquiring eyebrow and she felt compelled to explain.

"Don't look at me like that Harry. We're both adults and I just thought, I just concluded that we were doing this to spend time together, and, and why book two rooms and cause us to spend time apart when we don't need to? If you're unhappy about it Harry I apologise and I'll go down to reception and book you another room. Your own room."

By the time she had finished she found her self blushing just like she had in the old days. She'd promised herself that the days of Ruth Evershed being put on the back foot by anyone were over but somehow or other he'd done it without opening his mouth. How did he do that? She'd been so sure when she booked the twin room that she was doing the right thing, that she was sending out signals that he would welcome, signs that she wanted them to enter new territory, wanted to build a different understanding with him. But maybe she had analysed it all wrong, maybe he was beyond her reach. Maybe he was so damaged that he was no longer willing or even able to take a chance. Bugger it! she thought.

"Which bed do you want Ruth, the one nearest the window? I'm not really bothered. You start your unpacking and I'll ring down for afternoon tea and then I fancy a walk, could do with stretching my legs after the drive. I think that we should be able to walk a little way down to the sea from what I saw as we drove up."

About an hour later they were outside the front door of the hotel after indulging in a delicious tea. All their clothes and bits and pieces were safely stashed away and they were both looking forward to getting some fresh air. Harry had been right, they were able to walk about half a mile until they came to the cliff edge where a bench had been handily situated. By mutual consent they sat and gazed out over the water each lost in their own thoughts. Each wanting to say so much but neither of them brave enough to start. Ruth turned and looked at Harry and saw that he was on the verge of dozing off. She tapped him lightly on the arm

"Harry, Harry I'm going to walk back now, I'm getting a bit chilly and I need a bath. Are you coming?"

Harry pulled himself from the fog that had been descending on his senses and made to follow her, grimacing as the pain in his leg shot through him. Bloody brilliant he thought, here I am trying to convince her that I am the man for her and I doze off like a bloody pensioner and then to compound the situation I hobble about like a bloody geriatric. Well done to me!

After she had finished in the bathroom Ruth opened the door to see that Harry had lain on his bed and was now snoring gently. He looked quite adorable as he slept the worry lines on his face seemed to be eradicated by slumber, he looked years younger and she was very forcibly reminded of the Harry Pearce that she had meet on her first day on the Grid all those years ago. Silently lamenting for all that they had lost she pulled the throw from the bottom of the bed to cover him before laying on her bed and closing her eyes.

Harry woke with a start disorientated by his strange surrounding and the sound of another's breathing filling the room. The panic rose in his chest as it always did when he first woke in a strange place but he seemed on first assessment to be safe and warm. There appeared to be no imminent threat to be dealt with. Rolling over the first thing he saw was Ruth sound asleep on the bed next to his. How many times had he dreamt of this, of course in his dreams they would be sharing the same bed, he would have woken with her in his arms after they had made love. But if this was all that he was to be granted he would imprint it on his memory to be taken out and savoured in years to come. As he drank in the sight of his beloved he noticed that she was shivering slightly so he stood and pulling the throw from the bottom of her bed he covered her lightly before he made his way to the bathroom to shower.

By mutual consent they decided that they would eat at the the hotel and were pleasantly surprised by the quality of the food and the range of wine on offer. The dining room was busy and when Ruth enquired of their waitress if this was usual she was told that tonight was the hotel's monthly dinner dance. And as if on cue a small band began to set up at the back of the room and it was announced that the dancing would commence in fifteen minutes. The band proved to be very good and Ruth found that she was soon swaying to the music. Harry was showing no signs of asking her if she wanted to dance, so she contented herself admiring the dancers. Most of them were older couples and some of them were very good indeed. She was losing herself in a tune that had been a particular favourite of her fathers when she felt a light tap on her left shoulder.

Turning she saw a tall quite good looking man maybe in his late forties,

"Would you care to dance? He asked. "The band is really first rate and it seems such a pity to waste the chance don't you think?"

Ruth looked at Harry and could see that he had pulled on his spook mask, anyone else looking at him would determine that he couldn't care less if Ruth danced with this stranger or not but Ruth knew better. Turning back towards the man she replied

"Sorry dancing is just not my thing. I love to listen to the music and admire the skill of others but, no thank you. But thanks for asking."

Harry hadn't been aware just how stiffly he'd been holding his body. He'd been watching her all evening as she charmed everyone she spoke to, had noticed the admiring glances that she'd garnered as they made their way to their allocated table. He'd desperately wanted to ask her to dance but in his own mind that course of action would be a disaster. He was sure he would make a complete pigs ear of it. Damn his bloody leg! And then this interloper had the gall to ask her!

He could feel himself relax as Ruth turned the chap down and sent him away. One small victory for me he thought.

As it was they did have one dance together, slow and gentle, little more than a walk around the floor together at the end of the evening. It was the longest and the closest they had ever been together and each of them relished the contact. And as they danced Harry leant in close to her and whispered the words to the song in her ear. It was a magical moment ; one that neither one wanted to end but of course end it did.

After the music stopped they stood facing each other on the small dance floor waiting for the other to say something; willing each other to say something but the spell was broken by the band leader thanking everyone for their kind words and support and announcing the date and time of the next dance.

Later in their room the air was heavy with unexpressed tension as they skirted around one another as they went about their night time routines. When Ruth exited the bathroom Harry was already in his bed turned on his side facing away from her. He turned slightly as she wished him

"Good night."

Ruth had agonised about what she should wear to sleep in but now it seemed that her worries had been unfounded, maybe Harry wasn't interested in her in that way. Maybe he was just looking for a friend.

Harry in the mean time was totally stunned by Ruth. She looked amazing. She was wearing what could be only described as an over sized t-shirt with the legend _Sutherland Sharks_ on the front. It should not have been in any way sexy but to him it screamed sex appeal. Perhaps it was because he was seeing more of her legs than he had ever seen, or was it that she was so confident in his company that she could dress so casually but for the first time since the bombing Harry Pearce felt the stirrings of desire.

 _Below is the song that Harry sang to Ruth_

 **This Boy**

 **Lennon & McCartney**

 **That boy**

 **Took my love away**

 **He'll regret it someday**

 **But this boy wants you back again**

 **That boy**

 **Isn't good for you**

 **Though he might want you too**

 **This boy wants you back again**

 **Oh and this boy would be happy**

 **just to love you but oh my**

 **That boy won't be happy**

 **Till he's made you cry**

 **This boy wouldn't mind the pain**

 **Would always feel the same**

 **If this boy gets you back again**

 **This boy**

 **This boy**

 **This boy**

 _Pure indulgence on my part incuding one of my favourite Beatles songs but why not?_


	9. Chapter 9

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Ten

They seemed to have fallen into a rhythm of being together. Ruth knew that she was much more at ease with Harry than he was with her. She was acutely aware that he was going to great lengths to make sure he was covered from wrist to ankle whenever he was with her. She was unsure how she was to tackle this. Malcolm had made her aware of the extent of his burns and the resulting scarring. He'd shared with Ruth his concerns that Harry was not coping well with the trauma and that he was filled with self loathing about himself. Malcolm had also shared with her the fact that Harry was worried that she would be repulsed by him.

Silly man she thought.

Later in the day as they exited The Brighton Pavilion arguing in a good natured manner about the character of the Prince Regent and the so called madness of George the Third. Ruth could see that Harry was struggling; and as she watched the pain etch itself into his face she felt very guilty because she'd dragged him up and down The Lanes taking the chance to buy far too many books which they then had to take back to the car. True they had sat down while they'd eaten fish and chips for lunch but that had not been for long and Harry had been very huffy all through the meal because Ruth wanted to eat outside but after looking at the marauding sea gulls Harry had refused point blank and Ruth had enjoyed pulling his leg about the great Harry Pearce being intimidated by a few birds.

Passing her hand over her eyes she took Harry's hand in hers and said

"Can we go back now Harry? To be honest with you I'm flagging a bit. It would be nice to have a nap and then maybe walk down to the bench before dinner?"

Harry nearly missed what she was saying as all his concentration was on the feeling of her hand grasping his. The physical contact was exquisite, so exquisite it was almost painful. Their relationship had always been based on the unsaid, the undeclared and he could count on the fingers of one hand the times that they had allowed themselves the indulgence of prolonged contact. And yet here they were in the middle of an English sea side town walking hand in hand like any normal couple. Oh if only this could be real, if only she was not just being kind to him.

And then that small dark voice in the back of his mind taunted him as it had been doing ever since he'd seen her walk through the pub door _Even if she does have any feeling for you Pearce just wait till she sees you with no clothes on! The state of your bloody body is enough to put anyone off! One look at you and she'll be long gone._

The sound of Ruth's voice pulled him back from his reverie

"Harry, did you hear what I said? Can we go back please?"

Truth be told he was pleased to go back and lay down, his leg and knee were killing him. His knee had been playing him up for years and now there was the scar tissue which was shortening the leg. As the day wore on every step became painful and he found the pain tiring. It also made him more aware of the youth and beauty of his companion. He'd been made very aware of it last night as he had silently brooded,noticing the admiring glances that Ruth had garnered as they dined. He thought he had heard the phrase _Beauty and the Beast_ more than once during the evening and today he had had to curb his jealousy more than once as assistants in the book shops and some _child_ who was guiding visitors around the Pavilion had openly flirted with Ruth. Of course people, men would be drawn to Ruth, she was so open, so friendly with people. It seemed to him that since she had returned from Australia she was more like the old Ruth, the Ruth that had walked into his office all those years ago. The Ruth who had with a glance and the words _Bugger the Home Office_

turned his world upside down. And once more as he had done so many times in the past he berated himself for not expressing his feelings towards her while he had the chance. Surely it was too late now.

And another thing worried him. If she could find the old Ruth whilst she was away from him, whilst she was with Iain Prentice would being with him, Harry Pearce, a bitter, twisted old man rob her of the joy that she had once more found in her life. Did he have the right to take the chance with her happiness? But oh he wanted her so much. But the thought that he might banish all the rediscovered pleasure from her hurt him so much that he felt his chest tighten and his heart rate increase just thinking about it.

As it was they both dozed when they got back to the room and it was nearly five when they woke. By unspoken mutual consent they made their way down to _their_ bench and sat in silence staring out at the water.

This is bloody ridiculous thought Ruth. We could be sat here next week, next year, next decade before he does anything.. If this is going to move on I'm going to have to be the one to do something about it.

She turned her body and lifted her hand to gently cup Harry's cheek and then she lent in to kiss him. She kissed him gently at first,the same way that she'd kissed him on the dock all those years ago but she hoped that this time he would not see this as a kiss of parting but as a kiss rather of new beginnings, a kiss of hope. She felt Harry relax as he returned her kiss his hands wrapping round her as he pulled her to him, opening his mouth a little and allowing his tongue to dance across her parting lips. She sighed deeply and moved as close to him as she could only breaking the kiss when breathing had become difficult.

They sat and looked at each other in stunned silence. If they had but known it their thoughts were very similar-

 _Who would have thought that one kiss could turn the world on it's axis? Who would have thought that just one kiss could make me realise that everything that I hoped and prayed for might still be a possibility._

"Give us a chance Harry?

Ruth whispered reaching out for him again. For a moment Ruth thought that he would respond to her words and take her in his arms again. But then as she watched she saw him back away from her, saw him disengage his emotions. Saw the Harry Pearce who ran the Grid reassert himself.

"Don't play games with me Ruth" he whispered, his tone full of anguish. "What is this Ruth? Just a way to entertain yourself until something, someone better comes along? Just a convenient shag? Well I'm not sure even that's on the cards! There's been nothing stirring in that department for months!

What do you think I am Ruth? You left me! You bloody left me! Twice!"

Ruth was stunned by this outburst and for a moment was transported back to the Grid remembering the times she had sat squirming in her seat as Harry verbally tore to pieces some poor soul or other. Just as she was gathering herself so that she could defend herself or rather make her own attack he carried on.

"And worse than that you moved on. You made a life for yourself, both times! Do you know you made me re-asses everything that I thought, hoped was between us. You all but destroyed me Ruth. Twice! And I can't, I won't go through that again. I'm too old, too damaged to take a chance. If I do this Ruth and you walk away from me once more it will finish me. I need some peace Ruth. I love you but I need some peace."

And with that he pushed himself from the bench and walked towards the cliff edge where he stood with his head in his hands his shoulders heaving.

Ruth walked towards him and circled his waist with her arms pushing herself as close to him as she could kissing the back of his neck lightly and crooning to him as one would a child. When his sobbing calmed she led him back to the bench and sat him down. Kneeling before him she took his face in her hands once more.

"We have so much that we must talk about Harry, I know that. It won't be easy, when were we ever easy Harry? But know this I have no intention of ever leaving you again. I love you Harry and if you let me I want us to be together."

"Ruth" he whispered "If we're going to do this, I would want, would need to keep you. Would need it to be real and permanent. Would need us to be together. But you must understand Ruth that I'm not sure that I can offer you what I could offer before. Things have changed with me Ruth. I'm not the man I was; in so many ways."

That's it he thought. I've laid my feelings bare, and at that moment his courage failed him and he found that he could not look her in the eye.

But then he felt fingers trailing down his cheek, and tilting up his chin, brushing lightly over the scar tissue on his neck. She leant up and kissed him. One kiss, one sweet kiss.

"Harry the answer is yes...to anything and everything you want. Everything you can offer, everything you want to offer. Because it's what I've wanted for so long. It won't be easy but together I believe that we can do anything, anything at all."

And with that her right hand rose to stroke his ear, tracing it's shell with such an air of fascination the he had to smile. In his mind it was the most erotic experience he had ever had.


	10. Chapter 10

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Ten

Time seemed to stand still. Ruth leant on to Harry's knees, her face turned to the sea, eyes closed. Presently she felt Harry's fingers stroking her hair, crooning a tune known only to him. It was a perfect moment in time. A moment of peace especially for Harry.

Their tranquillity was shattered by a crack of thunder and a bolt of lightning far out to sea. Ruth lifted her head and saw the dark clouds gathering. There was another clap of thunder which propelled her to her feet.

"Come on Harry" she said "Let's try and get back before the heavens open."

By the time they reached the hotel they were soaked. Soaked and laughing like lunatics. Harry seemed to have forgotten about the pain in his leg, all his concentration was focused on Ruth. On the joy of being with her and the way her wet clothes clung to her body.

As they stumbled into their room Ruth dashed into the bathroom to grab a couple of towels, flinging one in Harry's direction she said

"Right, strip off Harry".

Suddenly she realised what she'd said, she'd uttered the words without thinking, her hands already occupied with unbuttoning her cardigan. She turned to look at Harry ready to explain what she meant but he was already making his way to the head of his bed. Removing his pyjama trousers from under his pillows he said

"I'll, I'll just pop into the bathroom and give you some space."

And with that he was gone. When he emerged Ruth was sitting by the dressing table drying her hair. Harry had donned the towelling robe supplied by the hotel over his pyjama bottoms. He held his wet clothes in his arms. Ruth took them from him and arranged them over the radiators to dry.

"I've made a pot of tea if you want it Harry, or maybe you fancy something stronger? A whisky?

"A whisky would be good Ruth, I was thinking can we eat in the room tonight? Today has been tiring and I'm shattered. Of course if you want to eat in the dining room I'll just order a sandwich and then turn in."

Ruth knew that he was trying to send up a smoke screen, that he was doing all that he could not to continue their earlier conversation.

"No, I think it's a nice idea to eat up here Harry. Just the two of us. Let's see what's on offer and we can share a bottle of wine as well. And if you look in the bottom left hand draw you'll find a very fine single malt and a couple of tumblers.

As he leant forward to open the indicated draw Harry banged his arm on the corner of the dresser causing him to swear loudly and back away cradling the arm to his body.

"Let me look Harry. I might be able to help you but we won't know until you let me see."

Ruth spoke softly almost as though she were speaking to a child and indeed Harry who was by now sitting on the edge of his bed nursing his arm looked very much like a frightened child. Once again Ruth knelt in front of him and reached for the belt of his bath robe. As her fingers began the simple task of undoing the knot she felt Harry's hand on hers.

"No, no, no, Ruth you don't want to see me. You really don't. I was never an oil painting but now, now I am repulsive. Please Ruth no."

The look in his eyes broke her heart and she took his damaged hand in hers and kissed the scar tissue and the damage where he had lost his little finger. She felt him shudder under her touch and she knew that he was on the verge of tears again. This was a Harry she didn't know, this was not the Harry that she was used to. But she was sure _her_ Harry was still in there somewhere she just had to find him.

She got to her feet and went to retrieve the bottle and glasses pouring them both a drink. As she passed him his glass she said

"Did I tell you Harry that whilst I was in Beijing I did an aromatherapy and massage course? The embassy were very good at giving us things to do in what little spare time we had. I was very good at it, I enjoyed it. Found it very relaxing in fact. One of the reasons I enjoyed it was that we were encouraged to use Chinese balms and lotions during treatments. You'd be amazed at some of the results that can be obtained by massage, relaxation and the correct preparations"

And then in a complete shift in the conversation so he wouldn't feel she was trying to pressure him into anything he didn't want to do she said stood and moved to pick up the room service menu from the dresser before she returned to sit next to him saying

" Here let me pass you the menu and we can decide on what we want to eat."

When their meal was delivered they sat together at the table enjoying their food and discussing where they should stop next. Harry said that he'd like to spend some time exploring the New Forest, Ruth was in full agreement with this but said that she would very much like to stop off in Bogner Regis on the way.

Harry looked up from his plate and issued the immortal phrase "Bugger Bogner!" which sent them both into fits of silly laughter once more. While Ruth was wiping her eyes Harry got up from the table and retrieved his leather holdall from under his bed. From it he produced a set of ordnance survey maps which he spread across his bed.

"You'll be telling me next that you have a compass and a fire starting kit in there Harry. What do you think sat nav is for?" she chided in a friendly way.

Harry looked at her something like a twinkle in his eye

" Sometimes the old tried and tested things are the best you know Ruth. Just because something is not as young and fresh as it once was doesn't mean it's not to be given consideration."

"I'll bear that in mind Harry, but really I don't need telling you know, I've always thought that there is much to be said for older, familiar, well loved things, and the same for people really."

They stared at each other across the room and Ruth thought that Harry was going to say something to her when the moment was broken by the waiter knocking on the door. They stood in slightly embarrassed silence as the table was cleared and their breakfast menus were handed to them.

Harry broke the silence saying that he was going to get a shower and then turn in. When he emerged from the bathroom he was once again dressed in his pyjamas, but Ruth noticed that he did not have them buttoned right up to the neck tonight. She was gratified to see a triangle of wonderfully exposed skin and she found her self staring unashamedly at it. Rousing herself she gathered together her night attire and stepped into the bathroom herself. She had intended to take a quick shower but the room smelled beautifully of Harry so instead she ran herself a bath using the same product that Harry had used in his shower just to feel closer to him.

As Harry pulled back the duvet and climbed into bed he heard the bath water running. Oh My Lord he thought only a door separates us and there she is naked and glorious. What won't I give to be brave enough to get out of this bed and go to her. To offer myself to her. But instead he just listened to the sounds emanating from the en-suite conjuring erotic fantasies in his mind. Fantasies that seemed to be having very pleasing results in his nether regions!

When Ruth emerged from her bath, her hair a little damp at the ends, wearing a pair of pyjama trousers and a short sleeved fitted top Harry was surprised that he missed the oversized creation that she had worn the night before. Without really thinking about it he said to her

"Fancy a bit of a cuddle Ruth? A lot's happened today and I know that you're right, we do need to talk. I need to tell you some things, some things about me, about us. I have to find a way to make you understand, to apologise to you. To thank you, to explain my anger, oh I don't know Ruth. I just don't understand myself what I'm thinking so how am I going to find the words?"

And with that he threw himself onto his back raising his hand across his eyes. As he did so the sleeve of his pyjama jacket rode up and for the first time Ruth was able to see some of his injuries. The scar tissue ranged from bright red to pale pink against his white skin. In places it looked angry and puckered and she could only imagine how painful it must have been for him, and she couldn't help but speculate what the rest of his body looked like.

"Move over then" she told him as she slipped into the bed beside him. He seemed startled that she had made the move to be with him so quickly but his arm automatically snaked around her shoulders and she was pulled towards his chest. They took a couple of moments fitting themselves together like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Her head found that place on his body between his neck and his chest that seemed to have been made just for her. And with a sigh she nuzzled in. In the meantime he had placed his chin on top of her head, breathing in the scent of her hair.

 **Just a short explanation of the phrase "Bugger Bogner". In 1928 George V required lung surgery and his doctors recommended that part of his convalescence should be spent by the sea. A search was made for a suitable spot and "Craigwell House" near Bogner was chosen. There are two stories as to where the "bugger" came from. The first is that as a result of his sojourn in the Bogner region he was petitioned to grant the town the suffix Regis (of the King) and when the King was presented with the paperwork as he signed it he said "Bugger Bogner!" The other is that as he lay dying his doctors told him he would soon be well enough to visit Bogner once more. And this is when he uttered the words "Bugger Bogner".**


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Twelve

Ruth was starting to think that Harry had drifted off to sleep and so she sought to disentangle herself. She knew she must have dozed herself because Harry's legs had somehow or other got themselves entwined with hers. She could feel the scar tissue where his pyjama trousers had rucked up. It felt rough and she was positive that it would mirror the scars that she had seen on his arm. He had been through so much she thought. She just hoped that she could make him realise that his physical appearance meant nothing; that it would not change the way she felt about him.

She gently turned intending to leave him in peace when his hand grasped her wrist and he whispered

"Don't go Ruth. Do you know how long it's been since anyone has touched me like this? Do you know that it's been years since I've had any pleasant contact with another human being other than Catherine and my grandchild? Please stay and let me try and explain things to you. Please"

Ruth didn't say anything she just resumed her place on his chest and was rewarded by his soft inhalation of breath.

"Best to start at the beginning I think"he said. "I'm not a good person Ruth, I've done some awful, terrible things in my time, things that I can't share with anyone...

Not even you Ruth and you know more about me than anyone alive. I've made decisions that no one should have to make, given orders that have sent people to their deaths and I must live every day of my life with the regrets and the consequences that those decisions caused. I didn't start out with the intention of becoming the person that I am. At the start it was just an adventure, I was flattered when the service recruited me. The "James Bond" syndrome I suppose you could call it and then it got serious. Northern Ireland, Berlin, the Cold War. The philandering that caused the destruction of my marriage, my relationship with my children and for that I only have myself to blame. I was too busy giving everything that I had both mentally and physically to the job to see I was losing what should have been the most important thing. I thought that because I took so many chances and got away with it that I was untouchable. I thought that Jane would just accept what I had to offer when I chose to offer it but of course she got fed up and threw me out on my ear. And then all that was left was the job. And I became it and it became me.

That was the man that you encountered the first day that you stepped onto the Grid. Harry Pearce. Bastard. From the first day Ruth somehow or other you got under my skin, you seemed to be able to get under my defences, seemed to see that maybe under all the bluster and bravado there were still the remnants of the man I once was. And to put it simply Ruth I found myself falling in love with you. And it, you terrified me. You terrified me"

At this point Ruth made as if to move so that she could look at Harry but he held her tight and implored her to stay still.

"Please Ruth let me finish. As I said you terrified me Ruth. I had spent years erecting barriers, years perfecting the persona of Harry Pearce Section Head. Harry Pearce the man with no emotions, the man with no ties, no weaknesses and all of a sudden I was exposed and helpless. For an age I contented myself with simply watching you, with taking the few titbits of yourself that you pushed my way. I would go home at night and go over and over in my mind every exchange between us. Reading into every glance held a little longer than necessary, every brush of your hand on mine, every soft word you spoke to me a hidden meaning. I began to look to you to be my moral compass, to make me think before I acted too recklessly and in doing so I put you in danger. But I chose to ignore that fact and asked you to dinner. One of the best nights of my life Ruth. There was so much that I needed to say to you but I didn't want to spook you with the strength of my feelings so I decided to play the long game because in my mind that dinner was the first in a long line of dates. I had already decided that the next time we would go to the pictures and them maybe a meal at my house. I had it all planned Ruth and then it all came crashing round my, our ears."

Here he took a deep breath and Ruth knew that he was trying to compose himself. She decided that she would wait and let him calm himself so he could continue.

"You broke my heart Ruth that morning when you told me you couldn't, wouldn't see me because people were talking about us. Bloody Hell Ruth as if it mattered! And then Havensworth where I missed another chance to prove to you how deep my feelings for you were, are. I should have knocked on your door till you let me in, until you let me explain. And then Cotterdam;the fact that I'd put you in danger by letting people know you were important to me coming home to roost. Of course they were going to target you to get to me.I should have been more aware of that fact, I should have been more careful. Should have masked my feelings better.

And, and then the dock. Oh Ruth I still play that over in my mind. The first time you kissed me and it was to signal goodbye, to signal the end before it had even begun. As I watched you sail away you took my heart with you, you took the man that you were resurrecting. How I got through those years and months that you were gone I don't know. Then once again because of something that I had involved you with you were dragged back into the danger and instability of my life. Because of me George and Nico were wrenched from you, your calm, elegant life in Cyprus was no longer an option. And because of my selfishness I drew you back into my world. I told myself it was because you were a brilliant analyst, but that was only partly true. I wanted you back with me, I wanted to see you everyday because I still believed that we had a chance. Still believed that I could make you love me. Of course it wasn't to be and you sacrificed yourself for me again. That was bad enough to live with Ruth but then I began to receive photos of you and Prentice together. To all intents and purposes you came across as a couple and I decided that I had nothing left to live for and I began to take foolish risks the like of which I hadn't done since I was twenty, thirty years younger. The result of that folly is a man who is marked for life, who is abhorrent to look at."

"Can I speak now Harry?" she asked softly. "What you say may well be true Harry but I must bear some of the blame you know. I was drawn to you right from the start. I had of course been told, no warned about you. As you say Harry Pearce the bastard. Harry Pearce who was so dedicated to the service that there was no room for anything else in his life but right from that first day when you made that truly awful joke I knew that there was more to you than that. That dinner date was wonderful for me to Harry and I should have been stronger when the gossip began, should have realised that my feelings for you were more important than a few people prattling around the water cooler. From then on I made bad choice after bad choice and the only way that I could see to make amends was to go into exile. To give you the opportunity to carry one defending us all. I did it because I loved you Harry."

By now they were both weeping, Ruth's tears soaking into Harry's pyjama jacket as he gently rocked her like a child in his arms. Ruth kissed his cheek and gently pulling away from him she told him she was going to the bathroom to wash her face and she intended to make a cup of tea for them.

How British thought Harry with a wry smile we've just exposed our souls to each other and now we're going to share a cup of tea.

 **This seems like a good place to leave it. Not much has happened but I just felt that Harry needed to express his inner feelings.**


	12. Chapter 12

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Twelve

After they had finished their tea they decided by mutual consent that they had probably said enough for one night and that the need for sleep was more pressing. After all as Ruth said

"We have as much time as we care to take Harry. We have all the time in the world."

The next morning Ruth woke to the feel of Harry brushing her hair from her forehead as he planted a kiss on her cheek. Pointing to the tea on her bedside table he asked her if she would mind if he took care of their digs tonight in Bognor. Ruth sensed that something had changed with Harry, he seemed to be much more relaxed with her, maybe she thought he's starting to believe that I'm really here because I want to be.

As they drove away Ruth looked back at the building and vowed that they would return one day. It was a place that would always mean a lot to her and the bench, their bench would be a place that she would want, no need to visit it again.

"You're miles away Ruth. Are you okay? Things not moving to fast for you? Do you need to talk about last night? Do you think less of me now Ruth?Oh my God I've blown it haven't I?"

Ruth quickly told him that she wasn't thinking along those lines at all merely that they would have to come back as the place they had just left. That it would always have a special place in her heart. And under her breath she added

"In the same place I keep you Harry."

As they drove along the A27 Harry said that he'd very much like to stop off in Arundel. It was he said a place that he'd never been but had always wanted . After parking they wandered hand in hand round the town. They decided not to visit the castle, the crowds were forming and they didn't feel like sharing their space with so many people. Instead they climbed the hill to the cathedral. Inside was calm and quiet, what was it wondered Ruth about holy places that they managed to infuse one with peace, seemed able to sooth the soul. She turned and looked for Harry; he was sitting in one of the pews his head in his hands. Gently and with great care so as not to startle him she took hold of his hand and led him to a small side chapel where many candles were burning. Letting go of his hand she put money in the box and picked up a couple of candles handing one to Harry.

"Light one Harry" she said "I don't know why but it always seems to help. Light it to remember, light it to celebrate the lives of the wonderful people we have lost. Light it to aid the grieving process."

And she bent to light her candle while she remembered them all Adam. Jo, Zaf, Danny, George and so many others. She stepped back to allow Harry the space to be with those he had lost, to let him just be in this tranquil untroubled place. She didn't know how long it was before she felt him tap her on the shoulder but when she looked up at him she could she that he had tears glistening in his eyes

"Thank you for bringing me here Ruth" he told her. "You're right I don't know why but it did seem to help. So many Ruth, so many".

Taking his hand she led him out into the sunshine. Their mood was quiet and reflective as they walked back down the hill. Ruth could tell that the climb had taken it out of Harry and that he was in pain. She decided that she needed to say something to him, she wasn't at all sure how he would take it but she had never been afraid to challenge him. That was one of the reasons that they'd developed such a close rapport when they'd worked together.

By the time they'd reached the river she'd made up her mind to bite the bullet. Spotting a café she steered him towards a table outside and ordered them coffee and cake. When they'd been served she took a deep breath and asked

"Have you ever thought about using a stick Harry? I'm sure it would help you. I feel awful dragging you around like this, being the cause of extra pain for you"

She could tell as he looked straight at her with the gaze that withered top politicians across a room never mind a table that she had touched a nerve. So before he could speak she added

"And besides I think there's something innately sexy about a man with a cane. Just think about John Steed. Now there's a very sexy man."

Harry looked at her askance.

"I will never know how you do that Ruth, say something to me that I should take as an insult and make it seem like a compliment. You're not the first person who's suggested a stick and I'll admit that I've fought hard against it. To me it just says _old man_ and I can't bear that. I already feel older than my years sometimes. But if you think it will make me more _sexy,_ "

And here he leant forward and dropped his voice an octave so that it dripped over her like warm molasses and she was transported back to all those intimate moments they had shared on the grid.

"Lead me on Ruth Evershed. Find me a walking stick, make me _sexy_ "

"You're an awful man Harry Pearce" she said "Only you could make an innocent discussion about a walking stick risqué".

That made Harry laugh out loud, a wonderful sound; a sound that was rarely heard. A sound that she needed to hear more of.

Looking around them Harry spotted a boat yard that hired out small river cruisers. Before she could catch her breath Harry had paid the bill, dragged her to the yard, hired a boat and they were making there way slowly down the river. They fell to discussing their time at Oxford as Harry expertly navigated his way around and past the myriad of small craft on the water. Harry confessed that he had taken more than one girl punting on the Isis, that it had become part of his seduction technique. Ruth in turn told tales of her trips down the river with her steady boyfriend. Of eating strawberries and drinking wine that they had let dangle in the water to keep it cool. Harry had a vivid picture of a young and beautiful Ruth laying back against cushions in a punt, glass of wine in one hand and strawberry juice staining her lips and chin. A young and desirable Ruth in a punt with another man and he felt a wave of jealously wash over him. But deep down he knew that even if he had been lucky enough to know Ruth then it would not have been the right time for them. When Ruth was attending Oxford he had been at his most volatile, coming out of the debris of his marriage, risking life and limb at an alarming rate. Always looking for that injection of adrenalin that told him he was still alive, that he was still functioning. No much better to build on what they had now than to dwell on the past.

They spent a very pleasant afternoon on the river both enjoying the intimacy of not having to fill every moment with words, just appreciating the closeness they were moving towards. They walked back to the car before continuing their journey to their accommodation. It was a large Georgian house in a small village about five miles outside Bognor. On the way to it they spotted a promising looking pub in the village and decided to try it for dinner.

They were warmly welcomed and shown to their room. It was beautiful; decorated in soft greens and creams with a huge window that gave it a light and airy feel, but the thing that Ruth was happiest about was the king size bed dressed in beautiful cream and soft green linens. As she was running her fingers over the covers Harry came up behind her and asked, with doubt in his voice,

"Is this okay Ruth, just I did enjoy cuddling you last night and it seems a shame that you had to leave a warm bed and..." here his voice trailed off and he looked embarrassed.

"I think it's a lovely idea Harry. Which side of the bed do you want?"

Not another word was said about it as they unpacked what they would need for the night. They both smiled to themselves as they saw their nightwear next to each other on the adjacent pillows.

As they had spent more time in Arundel than they had intended it was already getting late and they agreed that eating was a priority, walking hand in hand to the pub they discussed what they should do tomorrow and decided that they would visit Bognor and then just play it by ear. The pub turned out to be a real find. The dining room was small and intimate and the menu was modest but tempting. When their food came it was wonderful and they tucked in with gusto, Harry reflected that he had eaten more in the last few days than he had in months, his diet previously having consisted of beans on toast, cheese and copious amounts of whisky. It felt good to be eating again and he felt sharper because his mind was not so clouded with the combination of alcohol and drugs that he had been almost existing on. When they finished their meal Ruth excused herself, sitting back Harry sighed. He knew what he wanted and he was sure he knew Ruth wanted the same thing but how to approach it. How to explain to her that physically he was unable to give her all that he wanted to. At that moment the landlord placed in front of him a pudding dish of bread and butter pudding with a jug of custard,

"There you are Sir" he said "Your wife ordered that for you earlier"

Harry was tucking in with gusto when Ruth returned,

"Well I was hoping for half of that Harry" she said "But I'll settle for a spoonful if that's all you can spare."


	13. Chapter 13

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Thirteen

By the time they were back in their room the easiness of the evening seemed to have dissipated and Harry was once again looking rather like a rabbit caught in headlights. Ruth was sure he was starting to wonder how they would approach the coming night, after all it would be the first time that they had shared a bed together. And she was sure that he was worried that _**things**_ would be expected, _**things**_ that she gathered he would not be able to provide. Deciding to ignore the atmosphere in the room she gathered her night things together and made for the en-suite yawning softly to herself.

"Gosh it must be the sea air and all the good food I've been eating Harry. I'm shattered. You don't mind if I have a quick shower first do you? The whisky's in the top draw of your bedside table if you fancy a nightcap."

When she came out Harry was sat next to the open window nursing a scotch so deep in thought that he jumped as Ruth touched his shoulder letting him know she was back. He drained his glass quickly and picking up his pyjamas, and muttering something about _it being a long day_ he made his way to the bathroom.

When he came out Ruth was not surprised to see that he was once more buttoned up to the neck. Not an inch of skin other than his hands and feet on show. He slipped into his side of the bed, leant over and after kissing her briefly on the cheek rolled over and ignored her.

"I thought" said Ruth "That the whole idea of us sharing a bed was so that we could be close, closer to one another. I seem to remember being promised a cuddle and I'm not going to sleep or leaving you alone Harry Pearce till I get one. And as you know better than anyone I can be very stubborn when I want to be."

Harry turned to her with a sigh and a look of extreme sadness in his eyes.

"Oh Ruth I want so much more than a cuddle but I don't want to start something that I can't finish. I find myself in the position...Oh Jesus Christ Ruth I'm impotent. I've not been able to have an erection since before the explosion. I want you so much. I want to make love to you in every way possible; it's all Iv'e wanted for year but I can't. And another thing I don't feel it would be right to expose you to the wreck that's my body Ruth. So once again in our long and tortuous relationship I find myself frightened of you. Well maybe not of you but of your reaction. I'm hideous Ruth, just hideous.

Taking him gently in her arms rubbing her right hand gently over the back of his pyjama jacket she said to him

"How do you know what my reaction will be Harry? Don't you think that you're being a little presumptuous in deciding what I'll think and feel? Don't you think that I should be allowed to make up my own mind? Take off your pyjama top Harry. I'll turn the bedside lamp off so you don't feel so exposed, just let me touch you Harry. I don't need to see anything tonight but we need to find a way to move forward Harry. You need to trust me."

And with that she turned and switched off the lamp so that the only light in the room was the moonlight that filtered through the open window. For a long moment she thought that her plea would go unanswered but then he disentangled himself from her loose embrace and sat up shrugging off the top.

Ruth reached for him pulling him gently back into her arms and they lay in silence for a few moments as they both got used to this new way of being together. As the moments passed Harry seemed to relax as his breathing got easier and more natural. When she surmised that he was feeling more comfortable with the situation she quietly asked

"Can I touch you Harry? I'll not do anything that you don't want me to, I promise. Please trust me Harry."

"I trust you more than anyone on earth Ruth" he softly replied.

She leant in and softly ran her fingertips up and down the damage on the inside of his arm. It felt angry and rough interspersed with strangely smooth areas where she speculated he'd had plastic surgery. The moment he felt her feather-light touch Harry stiffened and his breathing had become heavy and laboured, Ruth was sure that he was fighting the desire to spring from the bed just to get away from her. Stilling her fingers she waited for him to calm before she once again began to gently move up and down his injured arm. Moving her hand downwards she grasped his hand and slowly and with great deliberation she began to kiss his fingers finishing with the stump of his missing little finger. She paid special attention to the ugly wound licking it gently with the tip of her tongue and was rewarded by a gasp from Harry as he pulled her closer to him. They did not speak for the longest time, just enjoying the feel of being so close to one another. Ruth could sense Harry was struggling. That he thought he should say something but just couldn't find the words. She decided that she should rescue him.

"I wasn't kidding earlier you know Harry, I really am shattered . Would you mind if we went to sleep but I do want you to cuddle me Harry. I feel safe in your arms."

She turned away from him and he pulled her into his naked chest.

"Can I?" he asked softly.

Ruth did not reply she simply pulled up the back of her cami top and allowed her naked back to meld itself to his naked chest. As she was drifting off to sleep she felt more than heard Harry whisper into her neck his voice lazy with sleep

"John Steed had an umbrella not a walking stick."

She didn't reply she was to tired to do that but she took it as a good sign that he'd found it necessary to have the last word. That was more like the confident Harry of old needing to have the last word. She sighed and moved a little closer; a smile a mile wide adorning her face.


	14. Chapter 14

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Fourteen

Ruth stretched enjoying that early morning feeling that only comes when you've enjoyed a really good nights sleep. She'd been momentarily disappointed to realise she was alone but she'd come to understand in a very short time that Harry was a creature of habit and one of those habits was early rising.

Turning over in the bed she saw that he'd seated himself by the window nursing a cup of something. He smiled when he heard her move and putting down his cup he set about making her a tea. Placing it beside her he reached down and kissed her gently on the forehead, the nose and then captured her lips in a kiss of some passion. Ruth lifted her arms and snaked them around Harry's neck pulling her down on top of her.

"Forget about the tea Harry, it's early come back to bed. You cheated me. I wanted to wake in your arms Harry Peace. Come back to bed please."

Disentangling himself from her embrace he stood and slipped his dressing gown from his shoulders before he slipped quickly into the bed. It all happened so fast it took a few moments before Ruth registered that he was still naked from the waist up. And then he snaked an arm around her shoulders pulling her towards him.

"Good morning Ruth" he mummered into her hair.

"You've changed your shampoo haven't you? Your hair, it smells different. When did that happen?"

What Harry? How do you know I'm using a different shampoo and conditioner? I changed when I was in Australia. No wait answer the question. How do you know its different."

And she propped herself up on her elbow so she could see his face as he formulated a reply.

Now Harry Pearce was very good at falsehoods, had years of practice in the art of lying, after all it was an important part of his craft. Being able to lie with conviction and a straight face had got him out of many a tight corner, had even on a couple of occasions saved his life. But looking at the face of the woman he loved, her eyes focusing on him he knew this was not the time to practice that craft.

"Well" he began "When I leant over your desk to look at your screen I would calculate just how close I could get to you without touching you. Without you being aware that I was invading your personal space. And one of the rewards of that was, I was able to gather information. Information about the perfume that you favoured. What you bathed or showered with and what you used on your hair. It took me a while to identify them all but I did so in the end."

"I dread to ask how you went about it Harry" she said with a wry smile on her face so he would understand that she was amused and not angry about his admission. "Oh and by the way I used to hope every day that you would take the opportunity to invade my space. You should have done it more often".

"Now she tells me!" he said "And as to how I tracked down the various aromas all I'll say is that I once very nearly got asked to leave a branch of Boots whilst engaged in research. And that's all I'm willing to share with you Miss Evershed. So lets change the subject shall we"

Ruth snuggled back into Harry's embrace her fingers gently stroking his injured arm. She felt him tense but she pretended that she hadn't noticed and continued her soft, soothing caress and soon the tension seemed to leave Harry's body.

"Can I look Harry?" she asked softly and then waited, the breath caught in her throat. Had she misjudged the moment she wondered. Was it too soon? Was she pushing him too fast?

Harry didn't say a word he simply sat up in the bed and allowed the duvet to drop to his waist his eyes never leaving Ruth's face. She knew what he was doing he was looking for signs of disgust and revulsion. Signs that his worst fears were real.

She realised then just how wounded his soul must be, how fragile he was.

But she couldn't help herself as she blurted out "My God, Harry. I didn't think, I hadn't realised it would be so bad."

He began to pull the covers back up, the look of resignation etched on his face. The signs of withdrawal already there in his eyes. She took hold of his hands to stop him so that the cover once more dropped to his waist.

"No let me" she told him. "This is part of you."

Slowly, tenderly she caressed him, first as she had before with her hands , then with her mouth, taking her time, loving the feel of his skin on her lips and under her fingers. Relishing the sound of his quickened breathing.

"You're enjoying this aren't you?" he rasped his voice filled with wonder.

She looked up at him "Yes of course I am."

No I mean, really enjoying it. I don't disgust you do I?"

She reached up and stroked his cheek before cupping his face in her hand.

"No Harry, despite everything that has transpired over the years, despite every injury that you have sustained in the defence of our country I think you are beautiful Harry. A bit battered around the edges but still beautiful."

"I can't imagine, I hoped, I prayed you might care for me but then I thought, fretted about what your reaction would be when you saw my body and the damage. I brooded over it so much I very nearly lost my mind Ruth."

"Harry look at me" she says "Really look at me." As he does so she can clearly see the uncertainty, the anguish all mixed up with the obvious longing.

. _How can I make him understand_ she wondered _How can I make him see that it's not important what he looks like. Make him understand that the only thing that matters is that he is Harry Pearce and I'm Ruth Evershed. And that now is our time._

"I'm sorry Ruth, I don't want to burden you, it's just so difficult to be so open. It's not in my nature and on top of that I spent so many years suppressing any emotions that might pierce my armour. Add to that the self loathing and disgust I feel about myself it's just too much Ruth. It's too much."

"Do you trust me Harry?" she asked suddenly.

He nodded, of course he trusted her, he always had. She was one of the few people in the world he did trust.

"Good" she said sitting up quickly, discarding her cami top as she turned to face him. She could feel his eyes devouring her nakedness, could feel the heat that their closeness was generating.

"That's right Harry look at me. Do you find me beautiful? Well I can tell you most men don't. I'm nearer forty than thirty. Not particularly fit, my waist is getting thicker as are my hips. As for my thighs, no let's not even start on my thighs. Can you see what I'm getting at Harry?"

"None of that is true" he says grasping her to him. "I don't see any of that. I see a gorgeous, desirable young woman who against all the odds, in spite of knowing all the bad things about me, in spite of knowing that I am impotent still wants to spend time with me."

Reaching up to his lips with gentle fingers she told him "Exactly Harry. You do see those things with your eyes. You know that you do. But with your heart...You don't care about any of them. Well it's the same for me. Of course I see you with my eyes, I see the damage inflicted on you over the years. I see all the scars Harry the new and the old and I know that there are more to be revealed. But with my heart" and here she gently took hold of his damaged hand and placed it on her naked chest so he could feel the rapid beats of her heart. "With this I don't see it. I don't care about any of it. Can you understand that Harry?"

He was very quiet and still for a long time and Ruth was starting to worry that she'd got her timing wrong; that she'd moved to quickly; that she'd made him feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. But as she lay there her fingers running up and down his damaged arm he spoke in little more than a whisper.

"My backside and leg is even more of a mess Ruth. I know that I need to show you but I can't do it right now. This morning has been quite a revelation." He laughed , a self mocking laugh "And battered old spooks like me don't cope so well with such openness and honesty. Tonight, yes tonight I'll do it tonight." It seemed to Ruth that the last sentence is said more to convince himself than to inform her.

"It's a deal" she says. "And if you're very good I'll show you my thighs."


	15. Chapter 15

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Fifteen

As fate would have it they both drifted back into deep sleep and it was a slightly dishevelled pair that only just made it down in time for breakfast.

"Why is it?" asked Ruth after they had been harried into the breakfast room by a less than pleased host "That I feel like a naughty school girl, caught out in some misdemeanour's. It's like I'm just waiting for our hostess to take me aside and chastise me. Harry, Harry are you listening to what am I' saying?"

"Sorry Ruth, you lost me at naughty school girl. Tell me did you wear a gym slip? Please tell me you did?"

"Harry Pearce! Where did this side of your character come from. Just tell me you haven't got some secret St. Trinians obsession!"

"You started it Ruth Evershed, you put the image of you dressed in a gym slip into my mind. A poor old chap can only take so much you know. And as to any secret fantasies I may have, well you'll just have to stick around and see if you can uncover them won't you?"

Ruth found that she was rendered nearly speechless by this exchange. She had suspected that the _real_ Harry Pearce bore very little resemblance to to the restrained and controlled man that had inhabited the Grid for so long, but she was truly taken aback by _this_ playful almost mischievous man in front of her. She was, she knew going to enjoy peeling away the layers to find the real Harry Pearce.

Soon they were on the road to Bognor discussing where they would stay tonight. Ruth speculated that it would most likely be somewhere in the New Forest as Harry had expressed a real wish to go there.

"Clearly his throat and looking a little sheepish Harry began

"I've got a bit of a confession Ruth. I've taken the liberty of booking us in somewhere for the next three nights. As you guessed it is in the New Forest, just outside Lyndhurst as a matter of fact. It's only just recently opened so it shouldn't be too busy. It's had some rave reviews and I just thought it would be perfect for us. Sorry I didn't mention it before but I've been quite distracted you know."

And here he reached over to squeeze her hand. Whether as supplication or apology Ruth didn't know.

"Anything that you pick will be fine with me Harry. After all last night was wonderful. All that I could have hoped for and more and truth be told anywhere would be fine as long as we're together."

As they parked the car and walked into Bognor Harry slipped her arm through his and pulled her a little closer to him brushing the top of her head with his lips. Who would have thought she reflected that Harry Pearce would be so tactile. How he must have struggled over the years to suppress this obvious innate need for human contact. Stopping she lifted up her head and brushed his lips with hers.

"Just because you're you." she supplied in response to the inquiring look on his face.

They wandered to the sea front arm in arm, not really going anywhere in particular. They had no place to be, no threat that needed to be dealt with. They were just two people who had known each other for years getting to know each other. In time they found that they'd wandered to the end of the pier.

"Funny things piers" said Harry out of the blue.

"I used to love visiting piers when I was a boy. Something about being so far out to sea without leaving the land. Standing there high above the waves knowing that if you stepped off you would disappear into the North Sea probably never to be seen again. It was always such an adventure. Some how it made me feel invincible. Of course if my mother had known that I was thinking like that she would have had a fit. She would have scooped me up and I'd never have set foot on a pier again!Mother's are like that aren't they?"

Without waiting for a reply he ploughed on

"Would you like to be a Mother Ruth? I know this is a bit premature given my present circumstances but I do see us with a long term future together, and I think, I hope that you see the same. I am sure that you know what my ultimate wish is. And, and I wondered if you saw children, babies. Cards on the table Ruth. I have. No please let me speak, I made a real mess of it last time but I know where I went wrong. I know I'm older, I'll be an older father but that's good as far as I'm concerned. I'll have more time, I'll be able to focus on them. I was never lacking in love for Catherine and Graham you know. I just didn't know how to share it. I was in the grip of such a corrosive mix. Pride, ambition,the certainty that I was right and that only I could make the difference. I was too wrapped up in what I wanted. I couldn't see that what was important was my children and my relationship with them. I'm different now. I've grown up Ruth. What do you think. Oh God, I can't believe that I said that out loud but it's done now and I'm glad. Say something anything please."

As he'd been speaking Ruth had gravitated towards the rail and suddenly she found the motion of the sea so far below mesmerising.

"Did you know Harry" she said, her back still towards him "That there's an annual event held on this pier it's called The Bognor Birdman, people come from all over to throw themselves off the end of the pier in the mistaken impression that they can fly. Is that what we're trying to do Harry. Fly. Fly before we've even anchored our feet to the ground. I can't tell you how I feel about children Harry. I'm not adverse to the idea at all it's just something that I thought I would never have. Oh I had Nico but he was only on loan. I loved him so much Harry. In a way losing him was more painful than losing George. Yes I suppose that deep down inside I do want children and the only person that I want to be the father of my children is you. It's always been you. But let's not get too focused on that. Let's just learn to be together and see where that takes us. Yes?"

Smiling he took her hand and pulled her away from the edge and they walked back towards the town both stunned at the shift, by the honesty of their conversation, by how open they were being with each other.. They had been together only a few days but so many secrets, hopes and wishes had been shared if it had not felt so right it could have been frightening.

As they sat enjoying lunch Harry asked Ruth if the visit to Bognor had anything to do with Jane Austen. In-between trying to persuade Harry to share the huge portion of bread and butter pudding she'd been presented with she asked him how he knew that Jane Austen had a connection to Bogner.

"Persuasion Ruth, Persuasion. You were reading it that night on the bus. That night became so important to me Ruth. I replayed every moment time and time again. I cursed myself that I didn't say something, hold your hand for longer. But of course that wasn't possible but I did go out and buy a copy. I kept it as a tangible reminder of that night. Of that brief but profound connection we made. And then when you left the first time, well that night I went to your house and she seemed to be a favourite of yours, so I started to read everything I could get my hands on. It made me feel closer to you. As I turned the pages, read the words I imagined you doing the self same thing whether in the past or the present and it comforted me. So you see Ruth that's how I know that Miss Austen's unfinished novel "Sandition" was set in and around the Bogner area. Are we going to the museum as well?"

Ruth looked across at the man she loved, had loved for so many years, would he never cease to amaze her she wondered? The man sat opposite her was different to the man who had inhabited the Grid where he had been the epitome of self denial, self restraint. How he must have struggled to suppress his true nature. And she wept inside to think what that had cost him. Not only was Harry scarred physically he was scarred mentally as well.

"Come on Harry" she coaxed as she pushed the bread and butter pudding towards him "For goodness sake finish this or I'll end up the size of a house!"

"What about me Ruth, don't you like the slimmed down version of me? I thought that women liked their men lean and mean."

"Not me Harry. I like my men, well not my men because I've not got any men. Oh Harry stop smirking at me like that, you know full well what I mean! As I said I prefer my men with a bit of meat on them. I like my men chunky Harry. And at the moment you are far from chunky so eat up."

Not needing any more encouragement Harry, who had found his appetite returning with a vengeance over the last few days did as he was told. Ruth stood and tapping him on the shoulder whispered that she had a little bit of personal shopping to do and would be back in a few minutes. As she walked away towards the Edwardian shopping arcade he pondered on the events of the last few days and promised himself that this time no matter what it took he would keep her.

It wasn't long before Ruth was back carrying a large bag. Harry's innate need to know was piqued but he knew better than to pry. If Ruth wanted him to know what was in the bag she would tell him in her own good time.

It was a lovely day and the drive out of Bognor towards Lyndhurst was very pleasant, Harry decided that though it might take them a while longer it would be fun to travel on some of the B roads. And so it proved, they ended up at one point stuck behind a tractor with not a hope of passing so they dawdled along behind it, not a care in the world, Harry holding Ruth's hand telling her stories about his time training on Salisbury Plain and some of the pranks they had got up to: one involving a tractor, a goat and the commanding officers best dress uniform. They were laughing so much that they ended up in a ploughed field having mistaken their turn. This resulted in more hilarity and it took awhile for Harry to sort out the four wheel drive and traction on the car so that they could go on their way.

Dusk was drawing in when they reached their destination. They drove through Lyndhurst and turned up a long drive. There in front of them was an imposing Georgian mansion its many windows reflecting the late evening sun.

"Oh it's magical Harry. Thank you so much" said Ruth grasping his hand once more.

But Harry didn't pull up to the house, instead he drove past and up an even narrower road until they came to a sign which announced "Blackmore Manor Elite Camping." not hesitating for one moment Harry drove straight ahead.

A small voice beside him enquired "Camping Harry? Are we really going camping? Are we really staying in a tent?"

 **Has Harry lost his mind? Are they staying in a tent. Will it be Carry on Camping all over again? Just for those of you who don't know Carry on Camping was one in a series of British farce like low budget films. They were full of double entendres , and typical British humour. I hated them!**


	16. Chapter 16

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Sixteen

" **Are we really camping Harry?"**

"There is camping and camping Ruth" Harry replied as he steered the car up a narrow path overhung with sycamore trees.

It really was a lovely setting thought Ruth but her experience of camping was scant and somewhat traumatic. If he'd wanted to pull her out of her comfort zone he was doing a very good job of it! Maybe she could talk him out this. Make him see that camping was not an activity conducive to romance. Honestly she thought, Bloody Camping! Bloody Man!

She had been so busy with her own thoughts that she hadn't realised they'd turned a corner and that Harry was pulling the car to a halt. She took a deep breath and just prayed that the tent was at least erected and was not a two man basic job. As she took in the scene in front of her she shouted at her companion

"You bloody wind-up merchant Harry Peace!"

For there in front of them were three beautiful chalets spaced far enough apart that they were almost private. They were two story, clad in natural wood that blended in beautifully with the woodland setting. Taking the bags from the car Harry encouraged Ruth to follow him as he made his way to the far building. Reaching down he moved aside a plant pot full of daises and retrieved a key. As they walked into the main room Ruth could see that it was light and airy with a mezzanine level to the front. There seemed to be floor to ceiling glass doors that led out onto a decking area with views of the woodland clearing that morphed gently into the New Forest proper.

"Oh it's lovely Harry!" she whispered as she threw her arms around his neck kissing him gently on his cheek.

"Come on let's explore" said Harry taking her hand and leading her up the stairs. There was a large open plan bedroom dominated by a huge bed placed so that lying in it there were unrestricted views of the woodland as far as the eye could see. Next door was a bathroom that was nearly as big with a walk in shower and a free standing roll top bath that was easily big enough for two. Ruth didn't have time to contemplate the delights that this room could hold before Harry had pulled her back down the stairs.

"Right in here, yes I thought so, another bedroom and en-suite. And of course here's the kitchen. Shall I put the kettle on? The cupboards and fridge should have everything we'll need for the next three days. I thought it might be nice to look after ourselves? Of course if you want to we can walk up to the manor and get an evening meal but if you trust me I'm not a bad cook. What do you think Ruth?"

"I think that you are wonderful Harry Pearce, that's what I think" was the simple reply as Ruth busied herself sorting through the cupboards finding the mugs, teapot, tea and a packet of digestives. When the tea was made, the biscuits arranged on a plate and it was all safely on a tray Harry led her to the large patio doors. Flicking a switch to let them roll silently back he led her out onto the space. The view was lovely but Ruth was surprised to see that there was a box of glass surrounding the area, that was until she spotted the hot tub in the corner. She raised her eyebrows in enquiry.

"One way glass Ruth. All the glass is one way. We can walk about naked if we want to and I won't frighten the wild life!" he left the words hanging in the air remembering the promise he had made to himself and Ruth last night.

Ruth decided not to make any comment simply flopping down into one of the chairs, pouring them both a mug of tea and attacking the biscuits. Harry sat next to her, scooting his chair around so that he was sat next to her their arms touching. Ruth was gratified to see that Harry had rolled his sleeves up exposing the scars running up his arms. Progress she thought to herself.

"I very nearly had a fit when I thought we were camping" she said with a smile. "It's something I've only done once and it was a disaster."

"Care to share?" asked Harry settling back not taking his eyes off her face.

"Only if you promise not to laugh. I was a Girl Guide. Don't look like that Harry Pearce. I can see you going into the same place you were this morning with gym slips! What is it with men? Anyway I was a Guide and we were supposed to be going on a week-end camp, the Guide Leader decided we needed some practice so she arranged for us to camp in the grounds of the house she rented a flat in. To cut a long story short we pitched the tent, lit a fire and then went off to get a drink. We'd pitched the tent too close to the bushes it was windy, the bushes caught fire which set fire to the tent which in turn set fire to a tree and the Fire Brigade had to be called. Don't laugh like that! It was very traumatic. You beast Harry Pearce! I knew you'd laugh!"

Harry was indeed laughing. He thought that she was priceless, that he was so lucky to have this crazy, quirky,lovely woman here with him. He would make this work he vowed to himself. He would make this work.

"Did I tell you that Catherine has been in touch?" he asked "I need to be back in London so this will have to be the last three nights of this stage of our adventure. I have another bloody appointment to see the quack".

He closed his eyes and his hand gripped his mug. Ruth could see that he was struggling to put what he wanted to say into words.

"Can I come with you?" she asked softly her fingers gently massaging the scars on his forearm.

"I didn't know how to ask. I wanted so badly to ask you Ruth but I didn't...I just sodding hate going. It's never good news, they can never tell me what I want to hear and it always ends up with me losing my temper and them getting condescending and oh so kind. It makes me want to spit! I bet they draw straws to see who has to deal with me! Do you really want to come? It just seems that you are doing all the giving Ruth and I'm just taking from you."

"Of course I want to come with you Harry. Don't be silly, if we are to carry on seeing each other, if I'm to be part of your life long term I need to be aware of things don't I ? I don't want to pry Harry but... "

Standing and pulling her into his embraced he whispered into her hair "I want to share everything that I am, everything that I have with you Ruth but I don't want to impose, I don't want you to feel obliged in anyway."

"Just stop Harry, just stop. I'm here because I want to be. Always remember that. I'm here because I want to be. But what about Catherine, won't she expect to go with you?"

"Catherine will be quite happy not to have to come with me, she finds it almost as traumatic as the medical staff I think. She once told me that Steve, that's her husband always has a bottle of good red breathing at room temperature when she gets back! Now what do you fancy doing? We could go for a walk or maybe you could unpack while I fill the hot tub?"

"Oh the hot tub Harry, but shouldn't I be thinking out the evening meal? What do you fancy Harry?"

"As to what I fancy Ruth, well you should know that by now, but as for supper it's all in hand. I'm going to stun you with my fish pie and there should be some ice cream in the freezer. Now go, take your time if you want to. I'm going nowhere." he said as he stood as he moved towards the hot tub and switched on the tap to fill it.

Ruth left him to it as she fairly skipped up the stairs to their room. _Their room!_ How good that sounded. She called downstairs asking Harry's permission to unpack his bag which he readily gave. She took out his pyjamas and placed them on his pillow hoping against hope that he would feel able to leave off at least the jacket tonight. Unpacking her own bag she took out a bottle of essential oils that she intended to use in the hot tub and if she could convince him for other things as well. She took the large white sheet that she had purchased in Bognor out of the bag and draped it over a chair by the window and on the table beside it she placed an array of potions and unguents. Just in case.

It was warm and very pleasant in the room so she decided that she may as well have forty winks before she changed and went downstairs. So she pulled back the quilt and after taking her shoes off she slipped into the bed.

 **By the way if you think Ruth's tale about the tent and the fire is far fetched. I was there! It was quite a night I can tell you.!**


	17. Chapter 17

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Seventeen

She wasn't sure if she had been dozing for as little as ten minutes or as long as an hour when she felt feather light kisses on her temple before they moved down her cheek to capture her lips and then the lips were gone before she had a chance to respond.

"Spoil sport" she muttered as she stirred and tried to focus on the man leaning over her, noticing the look of mischief in his eyes.

"Come on sleepy head" he said "The hot tub is nearly full, the fish pie is in the oven and I'm, well I'm lonely, so are you coming down?"

"Just give me a few minutes to come back to the land of the living Harry. I really hate napping in the day don't you? It always makes me feel so fuzzy headed. You go down and I'll join you when I'm changed."

Harry said nothing in reply; he just reached behind the bathroom door and retrieved one of the fluffy towelling robes that were hanging there and left her still laying on the bed. Ruth stretched, shook her head and stood. She had a dilemma, she hadn't brought a swimming costume with her, not expecting for one moment that she would need one, but now she had to decide what she should wear to share a hot tub with Harry! Sighing again she moved towards the chest of drawers and opened it. Rifling through its contents her fingers found what she was looking for. Following Harry's earlier actions she quickly changed and then retrieved the other robe.

As she walked into the patio she saw that Harry was already in the tub. The water was swirling around him in quite vigorous eddies and flows. He hadn't heard her approach so she was able to indulge in a little voyeurism before he was aware of her presence. He was leaning back against the side of the tub his arms spread at either side of him, the scars on his arms and hands fully exposed but that wasn't what drew her eyes, what drew her eyes was his beautiful face. He really was beautiful she thought, he needed to put on a little weight yes but in a short space of time he seemed to have lost years from his countenance. He looked relaxed and happy and she hoped that she was in some small way responsible for that.

"Suddenly, without opening his eyes he spoke "Not fair Ruth, ogling a poor old man like that. Bet there's a law against it somewhere. And worst of all you have me at a complete disadvantage. You're still fully covered where as I..."

Not saying a word she walked forward until she was next to the tub, taking a deep breath and before she could think about it she dropped the robe from her body and stepped nimbly into the water settling herself opposite Harry. She was gratified to see that he was speechless. Her choice had been a good one. Thank heavens for M & S bikini briefs! Sexy but not blatant!

"You can speak Harry"

She prodded him with her foot and was surprised to find that she was contacting flesh with flesh. It would appear that Harry had decided to take the plunge as well. Glancing down she could see that Harry was wearing just a pair of rather close fitting trunks. Raising an eyebrow she said

"Good old Marks and Sparks eh Harry?"

Her words of levity cut through what could have been a moment of tension and Harry laughed.

"Yes well an old bachelor like me has to play it safe you know Ruth, nothing too fancy for me, can't be doing with funny looks when I get to the till at my age,.but I must say I thought you were a bit mean, you could have given me more of a _show_ before you slipped into the water. Throw an old dog a bone Ruth!"

"You Harry Pearce" she said "Are incorrigible! You'll have to work harder than that, come over here and let me look at you properly and then I might reconsider putting on a _show._ "

She could see him arguing with himself, she was well aware that he had taken a big step even getting into the tub with her, exposing so much of his lower body to her gaze and now she was asking him to get near enough to her so that all she had to do was reach out and she could touch him. She sat in silence, her gaze soft and gentle and suddenly he was next to her gathering her in his arms.

"Can you bear to look? His voice was hardly above a whisper as he sought her eyes looking for the disgust that he was terrified he would see.

"You are a very silly man Harry Pearce" she said as she rested her head on his chest, wetting her hair in the process. "I seem to remember we've already had this conversation, it doesn't matter to me Harry what you look like, I love you and everything about you. Would I rather you hadn't been injured? Been left marked for life? Of course I would but it's happened and now it's part of you Harry, it's part of what goes to make you you. You silly, silly man!"

And with that she took his face in her hands and kissed him. She kissed him in a way that she hoped would tell him just how deep her feelings for him were. She kissed him as a lover would kiss him. She kissed him in a way that she hoped would say to him that whatever the future held she would never leave him again.

When they finally broke apart they were both breathing heavily and neither of them were ashamed to be crying. Indeed when they looked back both of them would say that this moment was surely one of the key moments in their journey back to one another.

They sat a while longer just savouring the intimacy that they had found, listening to each other breathe and casting looks at each other. In that moment neither of them needed or wanted to be anywhere else or to be with any other being on the planet.

It was Harry who broke the trance telling Ruth that his scars were starting to pull and that he really needed to stand and move about to stretch them. Ruth sat back and allowed him to move away and then watched as he rose from the water. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw the full extent of the damage to his thighs, legs and one foot. It seemed to be one mass of vivid red, angry tissue up the inner part of his left leg with lot's of peripheral damage to his right. She could clearly see the puckering of the skin behind his knee and down his calf. This was surely what was causing him to limp. It all looked nasty and painful and she could not help herself from exclaiming out loud

"Oh Harry! I had no idea! How you must have suffered. I'm so sorry. I feel responsible; if I hadn't..."

" Ruth" he said as he helped her to her feet. "None of that matters. It wasn't your fault. I was the one who made the call to enter the building. I was the one who decided to play fast and loose with my fate. Come with me and I'll show you the rest of it and then it's over and done with and we, I can hopefully move on."

Picking up both their robes he led them to the downstairs bedroom and having turned his back to her he reached under the robe and pulled off his trunks before he laid face down on the bed. Ruth drifted towards him and after a silent question and a nod from Harry she slowly lifted the back of the robe to expose his buttocks. Again the damage was extensive, the skin blistered and cratered with a good deal of discolouration. One cheek seemed to have borne the brunt of it and she could clearly see where some sort of re-constructive surgery had taken place.

Gradually so as not to alarm him she tenderly ran her fingers over his exposed skin. Harry let out a long shuddering sigh that was half way between a sob and an entreaty.

"Not my best side eh Ruth? If you only knew how many times over the years I anticipated this moment, the first moment that you touched my bum. Believe you me when I say that this particular scenario never came to mind!"

 **Still such slow progress! But they are getting there! Some of you seem to like the slow pace and I don't think that I could write it any other way now. No idea how many more chapters to go it just keeps going and in a way I'll be sorry to see the end.**

Just a footnote to the camping. We were sent home in disgrace and never did get to sample the delights of camping in the cold and rain of a typical British summer!


	18. Chapter 18

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Eighteen

Later as they sat together at the table enjoying Harry's fish pie washed down with a couple of bottles of lightly oaked Chardonnay they got to talking about Harry's forthcoming appointment. Harry told Ruth that if she was still okay with it he would really like her to attend it with him.

Ruth put down her glass and reached for his hand, her fingers sliding up the sleeve of his robe. Neither of them had thought it necessary to change after the hot tub; it seemed that they had turned another corner and at this moment in time they were comfortable together so why did they need the barrier of clothes between them?

"Of course I want to come with you Harry, I thought that we'd already talked about that? Thought we'd decided. If I'm to be part of your life I need to know how I can make things better, more agreeable for you."

"You do that just by being here Ruth, by touching me, letting me touch you. You have no idea how scared I was that you would take one look at me and run."

Ruth sighed. "Well yes Harry I can understand that, I don't have the best track record do I? But this time it's different, this time it's just you and me, Harry and Ruth. Not the head of section D and his analyst. Nobody cares now, nobody can use me as a weapon against you, nobody gives a damn about us or what we do Harry. There will be no speculation in the corridors of Whitehall as to whether we're sleeping together, as to what we get up to in bed. If I'm any good in bed."

At her last comment and just for a moment the old Ruth bobbed to the surface and she blushed startled by her boldness and she silently cursed her thoughtlessness given Harry's present situation.

"That's right my Ruth, it's just us two and we can take this at our own pace. I'll not pretend Ruth that I don't wish I was more physically capable of expressing just how much I love and desire you..."

He stood and moving round he positioned himself behind her and bending low so that he could whisper in her ear his honeyed voice dripped into her consciousness

"I may not be able to, well you know what I'm saying Ruth, but I can do other things. Trust me I can bring you ultimate pleasure with these" and his hands dipped forward under her robe and gently stroked her breasts, making her shudder with need."And with this" he continued as he bent his head and captured her neck with his teeth, teasing and tickling the delicate skin with first his tongue and then his teeth. For a moment Ruth let herself abandon all thoughts of restraint and control and allowed Harry's fingertips to gently graze over her now taut nipples, feeling the heat that his touch was generating deep within her belly.

It would be so easy to submit to his gentle loving touch, to let him do this for her but it was not what she really wanted.

Calling on all her reserves of self control she placed her hands over his as she moved slightly away from him whispering in a hushed tone "No not like this Harry. Not yet I, we …..."

She didn't have a chance to finish what she was meaning to say as Harry had removed his hands and moved away from her into the sitting area where he threw himself down on the sofa, his head in his hands. Ruth took a moment to adjust her robe and followed him as quickly as she was able, going to kneel in front of him in an act of supplication.

"You don't want me" his voice faltered as he spoke again. "You're playing with me Ruth. God damn it women I want to marry you! I want you to be my wife! But the first time I suggest, initiate a more intimate sort of contact other than kissing and cuddling like teenagers it repels you! What **do** you want Ruth ? Because I have no bloody idea! You baffle me woman, you always bloody have!"

"I'll tell you what I want Harry Pearce" she said pulling herself more upright so that her face was on a level with his. "What, who I want is here right in front of me. I'm not playing games Harry, I wouldn't, couldn't do that to you I love you too much, always have and always will, but you must listen to me Harry. Will you do that for me please?"

Taking the silence as evidence of acceptance she carried on slowly and quietly " I've wanted to have an intimate relationship with you for nearly as long as I've known you Harry. I've fantasised so often about your hands on my body, about me touching you, of spending hours exploring every inch of you slowly and carefully so that I know every part of you. So I know how you taste, how you smell. I want, need to hear the noises you make as you climax inside me Harry, as you pay me the ultimate homage of sharing your body and your essence with me. But it's something that I want us to do together Harry. It's something we **will** do together. But I need to take things slowly Harry. Things have changed so quickly in the past week. We need to get to know each other again don't you think. And I rather like the teenager thing; don't you?"

"But" he began clearly searching for the right word.

"I was frightened that you, oh I don't know Ruth! You will wait for me? I want you so much Ruth, I want you so much I can almost...Does this mean we can carry on acting like horny teenagers then?"

Rising to sit next to him she draped his arm around her shoulders pulling him closer to her

I'll be bloody cross if we don't Harry. We'll know when the time is right for us, when we can come together as we are meant to. I just don't want to spoil that moment by my selfishness. I want my, our first time to be together. When we are both ready."

They sat for a long time before Harry spoke "Well at least this time you didn't call me silly, being called silly repeatedly could dent a chaps self confidence you know " he said nudging her with his shoulder. "So still sharing a bed? Good, still kissing and touching and if anything **comes up** you'll be willing to …...don't look at me like that Ruth. I'm a man. I need written instructions preferably with diagrams."

Looking at the clock Ruth stood asking Harry if he would make sure everything was locked up while she tidied the kitchen and loaded the dish washer. As they walked up the stairs together Ruth sighed and said "It'll be like this for the rest of our lives Harry, if you ever have any doubts remember that. Whatever happens, whenever possible we will climb stairs whether literally or figuratively and we will always unless it's out of our control share a bed."


	19. Chapter 19

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Nineteen

"Can I ask you a question Harry? Ruth said as he went to pick up his pyjamas from the bed. "Do you wear those at home? I'll tell you why I ask, it's just that you look really uncomfortable in them. You wear them as though you're wearing a costume, donning a disguise so that you can play a part. You just don't look happy in them."

"No fooling you is there Ruth" said Harry as he sat down on the bed still holding the pyjamas in his hands. "Of course as always you're spot on. Bought these when I knew we'd be coming away together. Thought I needed to be presentable Ruth and of course I had to have something to cover myself with."

"But you don't have to do that any more Harry do you? And really I don't know if you're aware of it but you spend so much time fiddling with them they obviously irritate you. Tell me what do you usually wear to bed ?"

He didn't answer her question just pulled his bag from the bottom of the wardrobe and unzipping it he pulled out a grey bundle. Shaking it out he laid on the bed a pair of obviously ancient jogging bottoms. They looked as though they had been washed and worn to death. They looked comfortable.

"Right give me the pyjamas Harry and go and get ready for bed" she said as she held out her hand.

" Are you sure?" he asked "I've had them years and really I think I should have thrown them out but well they are a bit like old friends I suppose but I don't think they leave much to the imagination, if you know what I mean?"

"Are they comfortable Harry? I tell you what I'll make a deal with you, I'll wear what I usually sleep in."

And she moved to her bedside cabinet and pulled out her Sydney Sharks oversized t shirt and a pair of bikini briefs laying them on the bed next to Harry's joggy bottoms.

"Thank You" was all that was said as they both set about their nightly routine until they found themselves side by side in the bed arms around each other.

"Feel more comfortable?" asked Ruth

"Certainly do, those bloody pyjamas might be good to look at but they were playing havoc with my scars, these old friends are as soft as butter, it's like wearing nothing at all. Only I couldn't do that, wear nothing I mean, well not all night. The friction of skin on skin is just too abrasive, I need the barrier."

As they lay in bed discussing their plans for the next day Harry let his hand wander to the top of of her thigh asking gently "Is this okay? I'll not move it any further it's just I like, love being able to touch you like this. I've dreamt of moments like this for so long. At moments like this Ruth it's not about sex is it? It's about the intimacy of contact,the intimacy of trust, of anticipation. I love you Ruth." and he lent in to capture her lips in sweet, electrifying kiss.

Ruth exhaled softly "We'll be fine you know Harry. We'll talk to the doctor, ask his advice. It's a medical condition, it can be treated and as long as it takes I'll always be here. By your side, with you."

"I think about it all the time you know Ruth. I used to sit and brood for hours at a time, getting drunk, feeling sorry for myself. Hating myself and the world, some nights hoping and praying for the termination of the whole sorry mess. That was what my life was, a sorry mess."

"Did you never find anyone Harry?" she asked tenderly "Did you never try to move on, before the accident I mean. When I was in China and then again when I was in Australia I used to oscillate between hoping that you were happy, that you'd found someone to share your life and your love with...and dreading hearing on the grapevine that you had done just that. I don't know how I would have survived that. Is that very selfish of me? Given what I did in Cyprus." And here her voice dropped to a whisper and she found that she was having to inhale deeply so that she didn't cry. After all she'd spent so many years blaming herself for so much; over thinking things playing the dangerous and fruitless game of _**what if?**_ So that even in her happiest moments her shame and guilt were always there ready to tap her on the shoulder and bring her sharply back down to earth with a bang.

Harry pulled her closer to him kissing the top of her hair before he spoke

" You and George,well that was a totally different proposition wasn't it? You were alone in foreign lands, always looking over your shoulder, living with fear of capture or worse every day. You needed a safe haven and some peace of mind. I won't lie to you Ruth when Manni told me you were with another man and had a child I was devastated. And then the horror of it all unravelled and George was killed. Then I felt that I had no right to be jealous and resentful. I was just glad, selfishly happy you were back in my life."

"And then I left again."

"Yes, you left again."

"You didn't answer the original question Harry. Did you ever look for comfort and companionship Harry?"

"Ruth are you asking how long it's been since I slept with a woman. I don't mind telling you. It was a couple of months after you started to work on the Grid. You'd already got under my skin Ruth. I'd find myself looking for you when I came onto the Grid. I found myself trying to make sure you sat next to me at briefings. And you'd begun to relax with me, I think that morning was the first time you'd disagreed with me in front of the team. And you were magnificent Ruth, you stood your ground and put your point across with such passion...I was blown away."

Here he paused seeking her eyes to see if she was listening, having satisfied himself he carried on

"Anyway that night I attended some reception or other and as usual I was bored out of my mind. And then I spotted this woman, she wasn't my usual type, she was small with dark hair, she reminded me of" He felt Ruth stiffen in his arms and asked softly "Do you want me carry on?" When she nodded he resumed "As I said she wasn't my usual type but I felt drawn to her and we got chatting, inconsequential nonsense all of it and to be blunt it was just a ploy to get her into bed. It was quick, animalistic and sordid. I left her as soon as I had emptied myself into her body and never saw her again. I don't think I can even remember her name. I used her Ruth because I didn't have the balls to tell you how I felt about you, didn't have the balls to court you. And the next morning I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror as I shaved. I'm ashamed of it Ruth but that was the last time I ever had sex with a woman.

"I think I remember that day" her voice was little more than a whisper against his chest and he felt it more than heard it as her breath tickled his skin.

"You were in foul mood, totally off the scale, snapping and shouting at everyone. You'd reduced one of the junior officers to tears and literally tore up a report that an analyst from another section had spent hours preparing. Tore it up in front of the poor boy and then when we were in the morning briefing your sarcasm was cruel and harsh. Adam made some silly joke about you getting out the wrong side of the bed and Danny chipped in by saying something about it not being the wrong side as much as the wrong bed. For a moment I, we thought you were going to reach across the table and grab him but then you simply picked up all your papers, threw them on my desk and left the Grid. We didn't see you the rest of the day. Was that the day Harry?"

"Might have known you'd remember that Ruth, yes that was the day."

"Poor Danny" she said

"Yes he was a fine young man, I was very fond of him Ruth, you do know that don't you. I was fond of them all. Each time I lost one of them it was like losing a part of myself. However hard I tried to be objective and detached from them and their lives I found myself assuming some sense of responsibility for them. I sent them out to certain harm or death Ruth and each time time it damaged me even more than I already was."

"Do you miss it Harry, you were always the man on the wall, the man who made a difference, the man who couldn't be turned or bought. You were the epitome of all that was good about our endeavours to protect our country. That's why I made the decision to leave twice."

"Once upon a time maybe Ruth, when I was young and credulous . I soon had that knocked out of me! And then I did things that I will have to live with for the rest of my life, things that I can't share with anyone not even you my darling. Because of my crass stupidity I lost everything and all I had left was the job but towards the end Ruth I'd had enough. I could no longer cope with the politics of the whole bloody mess. My role was changing, I couldn't do my job properly because I was spending all my time watching my back. So no I don't miss it Ruth. I consider myself lucky, bloody lucky to have got out alive and very nearly intact. But do you forgive me for being weak and acting the way that I did?"

"There's nothing to forgive Harry, different times. And just so you know they all adored you. Respected and adored you. They would have done any thing you asked them regardless of the consequences. And they all knew there was a chance they would pay the ultimate price."

"Ruth"

"No Harry, no more talking, you're exhausted, it's been a long day and it's going to be a long day tomorrow. Snuggle in and sleep Harry."

As she turned so he could wrap his arm around her waist and spoon her she said softly so that he couldn't hear

"I'll keep you safe Harry, I'll never leave you again and I promise you no one will ever hurt you again."


	20. Chapter 20

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Twenty

The next morning after a full English breakfast cooked by Harry they set off in a northerly direction having decided last night if tomorrow was to be their last day before they had to return to London and "real" life the day would be spent enjoying the delights the New Forest. They'd agreed they would like to visit Salisbury and Harry had added the rider that he really wanted to see Old Sarum and of course they were both drawn to the henge.

They were lucky as they found a parking space in the middle of Salisbury just adjacent to a bustling Farmer's Market. Ruth rushed out of the car and by the time Harry caught her up she had bought a couple of bottles of chilli sauce and was moving up the aisle towards a stall selling pickles and preserves.

"Do you like piccalilli Harry?

There were so many things that they needed to find out about each other she thought and it was going to be such fun. By the time Harry managed to drag her back to the car they were laden down with jars and bottles containing all manner of good things and Ruth was chattering away about what they would use them for. Harry smiled at her pleasure and the fact that she kept talking about _us_ and _we._

He'd broken into a huge smile when one of the stall holders handing him a full carrier bag of produce had remarked

"I'd keep my wallet close Sir, your wife looks as though she on a roll!.

As far as he was concerned Ruth could have anything that she wanted and he's said as much as he followed her up the aisle to the next stall.

"Cup of coffee and a piece of cake I think don't you?" she said as she grasped his hand and led him towards a pretty little tea shop. Sitting down at a window seat Harry ordered two coffees and couple of Chelsea buns. Before their order was ready Ruth darted away from the table to a rack of information leaflets. Picking out one of them she brought it back to the table and opened it

"Look Harry, there's a walk around the Water Meadows that encircles the cathedral and the centre of town. We can get on to it by the cathedral and then get off it really near to where we parked the car. Are you up for it? We could just meander towards the cathedral and then decide if we want to do it?"

After they'd finished their coffee and buns and wandered towards the cathedral Ruth had taken Harry by the hand and pulled him close to her muttering in his ear "You smell nice, you smell like Harry."

God he thought, this woman makes me feel so good, she makes me feel that I could conquer the world if I wanted to. He had been so deep in thought that he'd failed to notice that Ruth had stopped walking and was just staring into a shop window. Talking his arm she urged him in saying

"This looks like fun Harry let's see what they've got."

It was a higgledy piggledy establishment set over three floors in what was obviously a very old building; possibly made up of more than one structure if the uneven floors and strange shaped rooms were anything to go by. Ruth stopped in front of a tall glass display case that contained a very eclectic mix of items but there towards the back was what she'd been hoping to find. A very elegant gentleman's Malacca walking stick. Gesturing to one of the assistants she asked if they could take it out of the case. Harry smiled at her and leant on the cane, trying it for size, it had a carved ball head that looked to be made of ivory or maybe narwhal tusk worn almost smooth with use and it fitted into his hands as though it had been made for him. It was by some trick of serendipity perfect for him both in height and weight.

Leaning in to whisper in Ruth's ear he said "Does it make me look sexy Ruth? Do I look as sexy as John Steed?"

Ruth coloured beautifully and pretended not to have heard him as she moved along to the next display cabinet, seeing that it was full of jewellery she made to move smartly on but Harry held her back saying

"My turn now. Which one were you looking at Ruth, because I know you'd spotted at least one that you like."

"That one Harry" Ruth pointed to a silver filigree ring set with two heart shaped pieces of amber. "The amber reminds me of your eyes. I thought nothing could be as beautiful as your eyes but those stones very nearly are. So that one."

"Would you wear that as a token of our love Ruth, as a symbol of the journey that we are on together. I have something to show you when we get back to London but I would be really happy if you'd accept this from me. If it fits of course."

Of course because they were Harry and Ruth and now was their time the ring fitted perfectly. Ruth didn't put it on her ring finger but on her middle finger and it looked as though it had been there forever. Placing her lips first on Harry and then on the ring she promised to wear it forever. There was a bit of discussion about who was paying for what especially when Ruth found out how much the ring cost but in the end they both got their own way. As Harry was paying for the ring he noticed Ruth crouching down beside a pretty little chair, carved and covered in green silk so pale it was almost grey. Running her fingers over it gently setting it rocking slowly a far away look in her eyes.

Leaning into speak to the proprietor he said quietly "The chair, put sold on it please I'll pay for it now and ring you later with shipping instructions."

"Do you mean the the Victorian nursing chair Sir? It's rather expensive."

Harry brushed aside any concerns about the price and paid what the woman asked taking from her a business card assuring her that he would ring her later in the day to arrange delivery.

It was early afternoon when they joined the walk, the sun was shining and all was right with their world. Harry found it surprisingly easy to adjust to using the stick and he let Ruth know how comfortable it was.

"Well" said Ruth "It does lend you a certain sort of gravitas and yes before you ask it makes you look very, very sexy."

"Sexier than John Steed?"

"John Who?"

Laughing Harry swept her into his arms and kissed her long and hard on footpath in the middle of one of England's oldest cathedral cities before they both collapsed into peals of laughter not giving a damn about some of the disapproving looks they got. It felt good to act like care free teenagers! To leave the real world behind.

Suddenly there was an almighty clap of thunder and the heavens opened, luckily they were just coming up to one of the four exits from the walk and they were able to hurry back to the car where they sat with the heater on full blast, the steam rising from their clothing as they dried. They looked at each other and Harry said

I'm sorry Ruth but do you really want to go up to Stonehenge? It looks as though the rain has set in and we're both soaked to the skin, my vote is we get back to the cabin as soon as we can, have a cup of tea and a sandwich and then jump in the hot tub."

In less than forty minutes they were back, kettle on . Ruth stood in the bedroom shivering and Harry came up behind her saying softly "Go and take a shower, that'll warm you up quickly."

"What about you Harry? You must be just as cold. Come in with me please. You can keep your underpants on if it makes you more comfortable."

And so they shared their first shower together, a rather chaste affair that would be the source of much hilarity and leg pulling down the years but it was another barrier crossed and as Harry held out a huge bath sheet to wrap Ruth in as she slipped off her wet knickers he pulled her close and swore to her that he would never let her go again.

"Do we need the hot tub now Harry?" she asked "I fancy a cuddle on the bed, but please do take your wet trunks off first, wrapped in towels we can lay on top of the bed and just cuddle and snooze. I don't know what's wrong with me I'm so relaxed I'm almost horizontal already!"


	21. Chapter 21

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Twenty One

They spent the next day exploring the New Forest stopping every now and then when they saw a footpath that appealed to them, parking the car and wandering hand in hand through the heath land skirting past the gorse bushes stopping when they felt they had walked far enough, returning to the car and just repeating the exercise. Harry was happy to find that the walking stick did make a difference and that his pain certainly didn't seem as acute. Indeed he'd not needed to take any pain killers since he'd woken that morning.

Ruth was entranced not only the wild ponies but by the cattle and donkeys that also roamed free. They had a lively discussion about the merits of the rights and traditions that allowed "Commoners" to graze their animals for free throughout the New Forest set against the increasing traffic and the issues of road safety. It was getting increasingly heated when Harry pulled over to the side of the road in a particularly isolated and secluded spot and put his finger on Ruth's lips.

" You never could bear to lose an argument could you Harry? Have you chosen this spot to dispose of my body2 she joked "Because I'll tell you for nothing Harry Pearce someone somewhere will miss me!"

"Just keep quiet and turn round slowly" he answered and there in front of them through the undergrowth Ruth could see what Harry had spotted a fallow deer doe with her fawn by her side. They watched delighted as the graceful creatures made their way daintily through the woodland until they were out of sight.

Deciding to dine out they found a pub on the outskirts of Lyndhurst and after enjoying a very good meal they made their way back to their holiday home.

"I'll miss this place" said Ruth as she put the kettle on. "It's been lovely here, just lovely. I couldn't have wished for a nicer place to stay, even though at the beginning I thought you'd lost your mind and booked us into a tent!"

"We can come back Ruth, we can come back any time you want to. I'm just sorry we can't stay longer but I'm very keen to get back to London and see the quack. Try and get things sorted..."

"Of course we must go back Harry" she handed him a mug of tea just the way he liked it, even after all these years she still remembered. And he reflected that this woman, **his** Ruth was probably the only person in the world who could make him a drink and not ask how he took it. Not since Jane had he shared such subtle interaction but this was much better, this was real and this would last.

As they drove away the next morning Ruth turned and bid a silent farewell to the place were Harry had felt safe and cherished enough to reveal how badly damaged his body was to her. Where they had taken yet another important step on their long road to intimacy. Settling back she kissed the ring on her finger before reaching into the glove compartment rooting about until she found the last two wine gums, popping one into Harry's mouth with a huge grin on her face. Nearing the outskirts of London Harry asked quietly, his eyes fixed firmly on the road

"You are coming home with me aren't you Ruth? I don't want to presume anything but it seems silly for us to approach the appointment from different sides of the city. And, and well I don't want to sleep alone any more my love."

"Thank goodness" said Ruth "I was just working out how I could invite myself into your home without seeming desperate! So yes Harry, I would love to come home with you, sleep in your bed and see if my fantasies about you are any where near the real life you lead."

"Fantasies Ruth? You'll have to explain that to me or my imagination will play havoc with me and I've got to navigate the London traffic to get us home safely."

"Oh nothing like that Harry. I just used to think about what your house would be like. If it would be as tidy as your office. You now a place for everything and everything in it's place. What colour your bedroom would be, what your bed would be like. If you had a garden that you sat in to relax. Silly things like that. And now I'm going to find out!"

Harry handled the busy, chaotic London with consummate ease and very soon they were turning into a leafy road full of impressive three storey houses. Just before they'd turned Ruth had spotted a large park and they'd passed a very busy parade of shops and cafés. It looked like a very nice area but she hadn't expected anything else. Pulling the car into the drive Harry turned off the ignition before turning to Ruth saying "Well this is it Ruth. Home"

Taking their bags from the car Harry opened the door, moving to swiftly towards the alarm system. Ruth closed the door behind her suddenly feeling a little lost, after all this was very much Harry's territory and she felt in her heart of hearts that she needed to take a step back and let him take this at his own pace. So she stood quietly behind him taking in the small clues she could she in the hallway despite her burning desire to rush off and explore every inch of the house.

Reaching out a hand to her Harry " This may seem clichéd and boring Ruth, but I could murder a cup of tea. Come through to the kitchen?" And taking her hand he led her into a large kitchen diner, pale green in colour with lots of pale wood. The end wall was comprised solely of glass sliding doors that led out onto a walled garden. The whole room was flooded with light. It was a lovely room and Ruth told him so.

"I can't take any credit for any of the décor in this house" he said. "Catherine did it all, she sorted it all out while I was in hospital. We decided that I needed to move, make a bit of a fresh start and this came on the market. It needed some work but the old house sold for more than I thought and...To be honest the first time I saw it was the day I was finally discharged. Now go and explore I can see you're dying to look round."

Ruth wandered around the house. It was lovely, she'd not expected it to be anything else but it had an air of loneliness about it. It felt like a place that was used not loved. There were few personal items on display, a couple of pictures of a baby. Harry's grandchild she speculated. Upstairs there were four bedrooms and a bathroom, all functional but nothing more. She pushed open the door to the last bedroom and found what she was looking for. This was Harry's room and en suite dominated by a huge king size bed which was placed in front of a chocolate brown wall the other three painted a shade of cappuccino. The floors were pale hard wood with bright scatter rugs and the bedding was bright but her eyes were drawn to the bedside table. On it were photos, one of Catherine's wedding, another of two children who she presumed were Graham and Catherine. And the biggest surprise of all a photo frame that contained three pictures of her. Sitting down on the bed she picked it up and clutched it to her chest.

"You can't sleep that side Ruth, that's my side" said a voice from the doorway.

"Where did you get these Harry? Why?"

"You know why my Ruth and as to how I came by them. That one is the photo that came attached to your application to join Five, the middle one was taken just before you left for the first time. Remember that time when Malcolm had that new fangled camera, when he was snapping everybody and everything. And that one was taken at The George on one of our nights out. Nights when I used to pretend we were on a date, that we were together as a couple. Remember how they used to make sure we always sat together, I guess they all knew even then."

Putting the frame down carefully Ruth patted the side of the bed indicating that he should sit next to her "And now Harry we know as well. What a fool I was, how much I must have hurt you my darling."

Harry pulled her closer and said softly. Do you now I really believe that if we had got together then it wouldn't have worked. There were too many outside influences that would have put so much pressure on us. God Ruth, we weren't even together and look what happened to you! Now,well now we can just be us and it's wonderful, better than I could ever have imagined. And I intend to make the most of it!"

Laughing Ruth pulled him down on the bed and they spent some time proving to each other just how good being together could be. Their interlude was interrupted by Harry's phone ringing. He told Ruth he had to answer it as the ring tone was Catherine calling. Ruth got off the bed and went downstairs leaving Harry to talk to his daughter. When he came down Harry told her that Catherine had called to remind him about his appointment and making sure that Ruth was going with him. He looked a little abashed that his daughter was fussing over him so much and said the so to Ruth.

"Don't try and kid me Harry Peace. You love it! Having women fuss over you is good for your male ego." and she pushed her shoulder playfully into his, Harry winced and she jumped back as though she'd been scalded. "I'm so sorry Harry, so sorry! Please forgive me."

Harry could see she was on the brink of tears and he moved to console her saying "Don't be silly Ruth, you just caught me on a raw spot that's all. No harm done. Now do you want to eat in or out. We could order a take away, I've got some very nice wine and I'm sure there's ice cream in the freezer.

Later as they lay together in Harry's bed just quietly talking about the appointment and the things that they needed to ask the doctor Harry abruptly changed the subject

"This was a dream of mine you know Ruth, this bed came from the old house, one of the few things I brought with me. And do you know why I brought it?" not waiting for a reply he carried on "I brought it because I lay in this bed for so many nights dreaming about you, imagining you here in my arms like this, crying myself to sleep because I'd finally accepted that it would never be. That it was just a wonderful pipe dream."

"But here we are Harry, here we are. Here with the rest of lives ahead of us."

"The doctor may not be able to help me Ruth" he said under his breath so she could only just hear him."What then?"

"We face that if and when we come to it Harry. I am very confident that everything will be fine. And if not it's only sex Harry."


	22. Chapter 22

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Twenty Three

 **Can I say how sorry I am that it's been so long since I updated this story. And my thanks to those of you who have nudged me to get my finger out. I hope you enjoy the update and I promise to do better in the future.**

Walking into the kitchen the next morning Ruth spotted Harry in the garden. He was leaning on his cane, deep in thought seemingly oblivious to the world around him. She knew he was worried about seeing the doctor later that morning. He'd had a bad night, tossing and turning and talking in his sleep; well not talking so much as mumbling so that she'd not really been able to catch anything he'd said.

And now all her old insecurities came flooding back as he tried to figure out how best to assure him that whatever the news was she would be staying by his side, that she would be with him as long as he wanted her to be. That they were a team. As quietly as she could she joined him not in the least surprised when he said without turning

"Morning Ruth, I'm sorry if I woke you, I'm always like this before an appointment. I've yet to come away from one with good news and, well I really need good news today."

And then she watched in consternation as he seemed to shrink inside himself again, his shoulders drooping and the air of defeat that she'd seen wrapped round him when she had first seen him in the pub evident once more.

"Come inside and get some breakfast Harry, you'll need something in your stomach, it's going to be a trying day and you really do need to eat something. Come on inside."

And taking his arm she guided him gently back into the house, seating him at the table whilst she busied her self making tea and toast. Harry protested that he wasn't hungry but she ignored him placing a mug of tea in front of him and a rack of toast between them on the table, before fetching butter, jam and marmalade.

"Eat Harry, Eat"

Smiling he buttered a slice of toast before spreading it generously with thick cut marmalade. They drank their tea and ate their toast in companionable silence.

"If it's bad news Ruth I won't expect you to stay" he said out of the blue "I won't expect you to tie yourself to half a man, you're a beautiful, vibrant young woman. I won't expect you to throw your youth away like that. I won't let you do that." And his head went down to his chest and he shuddered, his whole body seeming to radiate his despair and defeat.

Ruth knew that she had to do something drastic, she couldn't let him fall back into the depression and despondency that had so very nearly defeated him. Deciding that actions spoke louder than words she stood and left Harry sitting at the kitchen table in a dark world of his own. Rifling through her toilet bag she found what she was looking for, snatching it up she hurried back down the stairs. Harry was still sat where she'd left him, oblivious to everything but his inner demons.

Kneeling in front of him she gently took his damaged hand in hers and turning it over to kiss the palm she said softly "Look at me Harry please look at me." He kept his head bowed so she put a finger under his chin and raised his head so she could look into his eyes. Eyes that were brimming with unshed tears."

"Harry James Pearce" she said "Harry I'm not stupid and I'm not naïve, I know that we face difficulties, that things won't be all plain sailing, that we won't at times have arguments that will transcend anything anyone has experienced before but Harry , I love you and I will love you until I die, and if there's a life after that I'll love you then. Do you honestly think that anything can make me love you less? Harry James Pearce, will you marry me?" And as she spoke she slipped a bright red hair bobble onto his finger.

After she'd finished speaking she cast her gaze downwards slightly fearful at what his reaction would be, after all Harry was a man who liked to be in charge. She was therefore surprised to feel his whole body shaking, worried that she had upset him she looked up to see that he was having trouble bringing his emotions under control.

"Do you mean it Ruth? Are you sure? Wouldn't you rather wait until we find out what the quack says? I don't want you throwing your life away on me. I love you too much for that."

"Is it yes or no Harry? I've never done this before so I'd really appreciate some feedback. And this floor is not the most comfortable of surfaces to be kneeling on."

He pulled her up and sat her on his knee. Putting his arms around her, he nuzzled her neck as he said

"Well this is a first for me too, and if you are sure Ruth I would be honoured to marry you tomorrow if we could. And now I need you to sit here a moment and not move an inch."

And with that he stood, turned and placed Ruth on the seat he'd been occupying and strode from the room, strode in a manner that reminded her so strongly of the man he was on the Grid. The man who had on a regular basis carried the fate of the nation on his broad, reliable shoulders. It was good to see him like this again, to see echoes of the old Harry. As she was thinking about this he appeared before her and pulled another chair up so he sat in front of her. Taking her hands in his he said

"You rather beat me to it Ruth but please believe that my being second to bat doesn't mean that I'm any less sincere. I'm truly in love for the first and last time in my life. Ruth Elizabeth Evershed will you do me the honour of agreeing to be my wife?"

And producing a red velvet ring box he opened it to reveal a delicate platinum ring; Swiss set with blue sapphires setting off a flawless diamond in the centre. She nodded mutely and he slid it on her finger and kissed that finger.

"It fits" she laughed softly, It fits perfectly, how did you do that Harry, how long have you had it, it's so beautiful, oh I do love you so! I'm rambling aren't I? Sorry, it's just. Oh Harry!"

She could feel herself colouring as she threw her arms around him and kissed him soundly just in case he should have any doubts about her true feelings.

Holding her hand up to admire her finger Harry confessed that he'd had the ring for a long time although he refused to tell her just how long, a little scared that she would think him a sad hopeless case if she knew that he bought it after their one and only date all those years ago. But he did confess that he got the size by signing out a ring that she'd worn as part of her _legend_ when she'd helped with a field op.

Later as the newly engaged couple sat back in the taxi that was taking them to the appointment Ruth asked Harry why they were heading for Harley Street and not the hospital. Harry explained that after he had been discharged from ICU and his physical injuries were on the mend he had been transferred to Tring. When he had finally been discharged from there he'd point blank refused to go back there even as an out patient so the service had arranged for him to be seen privately in Harley Street.

They didn't speak as they climbed the couple of steps and pushed open the front door that led to the doctors reception and consulting rooms, Ruth could feel the tension vibrating through Harry as he strove to keep his warring emotions under control, she just sat holding his hand, smoothing the back of it with her fingers.

Just as his name was called and they stood to follow the nurse Ruth noticed that he was still wearing the hair bobble on his finger and tried to remove it.

"Oh no you don't" he said as he gently pried her fingers away. "That's my engagement ring I'll have you know and it's priceless! And Ruth I'm not above suing for breach of promise! So fingers off if you please! And laughing he led her into the room.


	23. Chapter 23

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Twenty Three

As they stepped over the threshold of the doctor's office Ruth was pleased that she'd been able to make Harry forget his fears for a moment and so she took the chance to survey the space and the man who was occupying it.

It was in many ways a generic room, the sort of office that was used by medical men up and down the country but she was pleased to spot a couple of personal touches here and there, a framed child's drawing, little more than an indecipherable daub took pride of place on the wall behind the desk. And the desk was a true work of art, all shelves and strange little cubby holes that could have held goodness knows what. Photos of children and dogs adorning the walls were mixed up with certificates that showed the man in front of them whilst highly qualified was not precious about those qualifications. Ruth liked him before she meet him.

The man himself stood and holding out his hand said "Who are you and what have you done with that grumpy git Harry Pearce?"

"Ruth" said Harry taking the doctors proffered hand "Can I introduce you to Professor Edward Nix, he thinks he knows what's best for me!"

Oh! thought Ruth this could be interesting! She took the man's outstretched hand and introduced herself before taking a seat next to Harry and waited for the men to begin sparring.

"Glad to see you took my advice at last and got yourself a stick, how are you finding it? Bet it's helping? Told you it would, and if you hadn't been so bloody stubborn you would have done it yonks ago. And laughing Harry? I didn't even know you knew how to do that. Must be down to this young ladies influence. Am I right?"

Ruth had been trying to place the accent of the man, he was older than Harry, maybe in his early seventies, balding with half moon glasses that he wore perched low on his nose revealing sparkling, mischievous blue eyes that Ruth was sure saw everything and missed nothing.

Harry confirmed that yes indeed the stick did help and yes indeed his good humour was to do with his companion but he could not resist having a dig at Nix about the man's company never having been conducive to hilarity. Nix snorted, Ruth could tell that this was a long standing duel of words that these two powerful, capable men indulged in every time they meet.

Professor Nix pulled Harry's file towards him and began to write, asking Harry about his general health, what he had been up to lately, smiling when he heard that Harry had been away for a few days and that he had been eating better and taking more exercise. Ruth was nor surprised to see that the pen he used was a good old fashioned fountain pen; placing the pen in front of him Nix turned to Harry and asked if he had any questions.

After a moments silence, Harry reached for Ruth's hand cleared his throat and jumped in feet first.

After listening quietly Nix cleared his throat and asked if he could perhaps ask sum personal questions?

"Of course" said Harry. "Anything, do you think you can help me?"

"First things first. When was the last time you had an erection Harry?"

Harry indicated that it was just before the accident but that he had not had full intercourse for many years. The professors eyes betrayed his surprise at that piece of information but he was too professional to verbalise that surprise. Then he asked Harry how long it had been since he'd had any feelings that could be linked to sexual arousal. Ruth felt a little wrong footed when Harry confessed that since Ruth had been back in his life he'd been feeling his body respond to her on a number of occasions. She mouthed to him _You never said anything!_ Harry shrugged his shoulders looking like a little boy caught out in a lie. Nix went on to ask Harry if he was still taking his prescribed medication and Harry had to admit that he'd not in fact been taking any of the anti-depressants and very few of the pain killers since Ruth had been with him on a full time basis. Nix once again picked up his pen and scribbled in the notes.

Turning he said "Well Harry as far as I can see the whole problem is not in your groin, I beg your pardon for being so blunt Ruth, but I often find it's better. No room for mis-understandings that way! As I was saying Harry, it's not your groin but a combination of factors. The shock of the explosion, the injuries and your refusal to accept them, the anti-depressants and the cocktail of other drugs you were and are still on. And of course not having the right stimulus. I'd like to examine you Harry but I can think of no physical reason why you shouldn't be able to enjoy a normal sex life, after all there was no damage at all to the tissue in the pubic area.

And standing he indicated that Harry should follow him into the adjourning room.

After about fifteen minutes Nix returned alone and sat behind his desk once more. "I can't tell you" he said "How good it is to meet you at last Ruth, I can call you Ruth? I've heard so much about you one way and another, I knew you had to be exceptional for Sir Harry to care so much for you and you don't disappoint m'dear."

Ruth was surprised that Harry had spoken about her to anyone and said so "Well" said Nix "He didn't actually tell me, more like I picked it up along the way. When he was first injured it was touch and go, obviously you've seen the extent of his injuries?" When Ruth nodded that indeed she had he spoke again "As I said his injuries were extensive and the shock of them was just as if not worse. We put him into a deep coma in the early stages just to let his body re-group so to speak and then we slowly brought him out of it. As he was coming back to the surface he began talking, talking a lot and always about someone called Ruth. About wasted opportunity, about her always being just out of reach, about her sacrificing herself for him. And then as he became compos mentis once more the deep depression took hold of him and he refused to mention you and flew into a rage if your name was mentioned. It was then that I made it my job to find out as much as I could about you and your relationship with Sir. Harry. And I can tell you it wasn't much! Bloody spooks you all stick together!So I hope you can see why I'm so pleased you two have found one another. And don't worry m'dear it will all be just fine."

At that moment Harry came through the door pulling on his jacket "I swear that woman takes a bloody armful every time she takes a blood sample" he grumbled as he sat down and took Ruth's outstretched hand.

"Well what's the verdict?"

"You're in reasonable shape Sir Harry, you've put on a bit of weight, your blood pressure has gone down a little and as I said there is no damage in the groin area. So no medical reason that I can see why you shouldn't enjoy a full sex life. Just don't push it, let things happen naturally. When the time is right and you're both ready nature will take it's course. Any more questions? Either of you?"

They looked at each other and Ruth said, "And children, we'll be able to have children? I mean if I'm able that is." Harry smiled at her softly and raised her hand to his lips and he mouthed a silent _Thank You_ into the palm of her hand.

"No reason at all. Just remember to invite me to the christening. Now about the medication and Harry have you thought any more about physio, it can help you know. And the leg is shortening because the scar tissue is contracting, the stick will help but..."

"Can I come in here?" asked Ruth "I'm not qualified or anything but I've studied massage and aromatherapy in, when I was abroad and I could learn some basics of physio, I know that it won't be as good but it'll be better than nothing surely?"

As they left the offices of Professor Nix with an appointment for six months,assurances that massage never did anyone any harm and the name of a physio who would be willing to take Ruth under his wing she stopped dead in the middle of the pavement.

"Dublin" she exclaimed "Professor Nix comes from Dublin. I knew I'd work it out in the end!"

Beside her she felt Harry chuckle as he read the message on his phone, seeing her quizzical look he turned the screen so she could read it "She's much too good for an old sod like you Pearce and what in God's name are you doing with a red plastic hair bobble on your finger. Men have been sent to bloody Tring for less! Nix.


	24. Chapter 24

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Twenty Four

The next day was spent in a blur of activity. There was a lot that needed to be sorted and although Harry was very reluctant to let Ruth out of his sight, in the end he agreed that the best use of their time was for them to go their separate ways. Ruth had had to be very firm with him and a couple of times as he cajoled and blustered ( very much like the Harry of old ; the Harry who had inhabited the Grid she was sorely tempted to give in). But she knew deep down inside that Harry's increasing dependence on her was something that was most definitely not to be encouraged.

Consequentially it was early evening before they were both home.

Ruth had very quickly discovered that the walled garden was a sun trap and that the best time of day to be outside was early evening so she took Harry by the hand and led him outside so they could talk.

"You go first" she said "What did Catherine say?"

"Well she was very pleased of course but I knew she would be, but pissed off as well. She wanted to know where you were and when she's going to meet you. I can tell you I got a really good telling off! But she was pleased when she saw the stick and that you'd decided to look into physio training. I think she's quite impressed that you can make me do things she knows I've fought against."

"As long as I'm not stepping on any toes Harry, Catherine has been looking after you for so long I don't want her to feel that I'm taking you away from her."

"She'll be pleased to see the back of me!" he laughed "I drive her bloody mad at times and she remarked on how much more relaxed and at peace with myself I was. She'll love you Ruth, what's not to love?"

"You're biased " she kissed him softly on the lips and they settled against each other just enjoying the peace and quiet of being together.

Presently Harry asked Ruth how she'd got on when she'd been to see the letting agent about her flat. Ruth laughed as she told Harry that the man had tried to play hard ball with her, telling her she'd lose her deposit and have to pay for the full six months even if they were able to rent to another tenant. But as she explained by the time she left the office her deposit was safe and she would only be paying rent until the flat was re-let and that there were already three prospective tenants lined up

.

"I'm not going to ask which dark art you used Ruth, I'm just going to be thankful, as I always have been that you're on my team." Harry bent into nuzzle her neck.

"Enough of that Harry! What else did you get up to? You must have done something because you've got that Harry Pearce smirk about you."

"I don't smirk woman" he retorted as he leant in to tickle her. Finding out that Ruth was ticklish was just one of the exciting and intoxicating things that he now knew about her and his bloody unhelpful body willing there would be so much more. And he closed his eyes in contemplation of the joys that lay ahead. He opened them suddenly because if he was not very much mistaken things below the waist were taking a turn for the better. Not enough to share but certainly enough for him to be aware.

He sighed softly as he turned his body away from her suddenly unable to look her in the eye.

"Spill the beans Sir Harry, you're up to something or do I have to resort to underhand tactics?"

She waited for him to reply, and seeing that no reply was forthcoming she nudged him.

"No wait Ruth, I'm just thinking about the _underhand_ tactics you might be tempted to use."

And she laughed out loud as he wiggled his eyebrows at her. Who would have thought that Harry Pearce had this playful side to his character? And at that moment she felt herself so overwhelmed with love for the man she couldn't stop herself as she took him in hers arms and kissed him again and again until they both had to come up for air.

"If you promise to do that again I'll tell you. I went to the Registry Office to see about posting the banns. It takes twenty eight days normally. Of course I've posted notice but I'm sure I can pull a few strings and make it sooner. Aren't you happy Ruth, I thought you'd be thrilled. Have I done something wrong? Have I upset you?"

Well Harry" she said as she stood and walked across the lawn before coming back to sit next to him.

"This is my wedding as well you know, we're a partnership Harry, you're not my boss, you can't make unilateral decisions like that. I'm not saying that I want a big fuss, I definitely don't want a big white meringue dress but it's the first and the last time I'll be getting married so I'd like some say in it please!"

Harry went very quiet and then he got up leaving her sitting alone in the garden, when she eventually followed him back into the house she found him with an opened bottle of single malt looking upset and tearful. Without preamble he blurted out

"You don't want to marry me do you? You're regretting saying yes, you're beginning to realise what you're taking on. I'm a bad bargain Ruth I know that but I hoped, I've been so happy, I should have realised that it was too good to last. Don't leave me Ruth, please don't leave me again, I couldn't survive losing you again. Please stay with me. On your terms, I'll do anything you want."

And he stepped towards her with his arms outstretched in what could only be described as a beseeching action.

"You daft sod Harry, of course I'm going to marry you! I just want some input into when and where that's all. Come here you idiot!" As she held him and rocked him gently she whispered to him "But we do have to talk Harry. I can understand some of your uncertainty about my intention to stick and stay but there has to be trust between us. You trusted me on the Grid didn't you? And surely you know I only left to protect you, to enable you to carry on as Head of Section? And now that's all gone thank God, it's just us and our love."

In reply he nodded his head "You must think I'm pathetic, it's just this has all been like a dream Ruth. I'd resigned myself to being alone forever, to dying alone and now I have a second, no third chance with you and I bloody terrified I'm going to balls it up..."

"Well you're not, but just talk to me Harry, about the important things at least. Maybe like mentioning you were experiencing arousal when we were together? A girl like to know these things Harry, if you'd said something we could have …...Well maybe not the full act yet but we could have …...Oh bloody hell Harry Pearce you know what I mean, and now I can feel myself turning bright bloody red!"

"Come here" he said ans he pulled her closer holding her tightly and they stood for a moment enjoying the proximity and heat of one another.

"Where do you want to get married Ruth? And please can we do it as soon as possible?" he whispered in her ear using the voice he used on the Grid when he was doing his pathetic best to court her.

"Oxford Harry. I'd like to get married in Oxford or maybe the New Forest. Or Salisbury, somewhere that means something to us both. Not London, London played such a big part in driving us apart. I love London but paradoxically it holds so many bad memories for me Harry and I want to put all that behind me, behind us. Do you understand that?"

I'll marry you anywhere my Ruth, I'll marry you half way up Scalpel Pike, the end of Bognor Pier, anywhere Ruth. You tell me the time and the place and I'll be there."

"Booted and suited Harry?"

"Oh yes my love, booted and suited. You used to lust after me didn't you? He couldn't help but purr the last sentence into her ear. "I used to watch to see what your reaction would be to what I was wearing, the way your eyes swept over me and when I walked away I could sense your eyes following me. It used to make me walk taller knowing that you paid attention to my appearance and sometimes I used to fantasise that you'd chosen for me that morning in _our_ bedroom after we'd spent the night together."

"Oh Harry, you old romantic you. And you're right of course I always looked to see what you were wearing and especially which tie. Only you could make a tie sexy. And as for watching you as you walked away, well that's your fault, you shouldn't have such a fantastic bum!"

 _ **Once again slow progress but I guess I'm indulging myself by exploring the dynamics of this new phase of their long and tortured relationship. I don't think it would have all been plain sailing. And maybe they will get there in the end unless of course Kudos step in!**_


	25. Chapter 25

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Twenty Five

As it was the marriage of Sir Harry James Pearce and Miss Ruth Elizabeth Evershed took place early one Friday afternoon in the Lady Chapel in Salisbury cathedral. Harry had been more than happy to let Ruth do all the organising, happy to take a back seat allowing all the planning to be done by Ruth and Catherine. As he'd said to Malcolm,

"I don't bloody care if we get married on the top deck London Transport double decker bus as long as we get married!"

As Harry had predicted Ruth's first meeting with Catherine had been a lot easier than she'd feared. It had been decided that neutral ground would make both parties feel more at ease, well it was for Ruth's sake really as Harry was aware just how apprehensive she was. She'd been at sixes and sevens in the days leading up to the meeting and he was starting to get seriously worried that she'd decide she couldn't cope with the fuss before she suddenly blurted out;

"I can't meet her here in your house Harry. She'll think it's too quick, that we should have waited for a while and she knows about our history. She'll be so unsure about this, us. She'll be worried that I'm going to hurt you again. In her shoes I would be. No, I want to. Need to meet her. But not here."

Harry had pointed out that Catherine had encouraged him to meet up with her in the first place and that it was their house, not his but Ruth would not be moved and finally a very exasperated Harry had to give in mumbling under his breath something about stubborn and mules.

Ruth stood outside the coffee shop, it was situated in Covent Garden a part of London that Ruth loved, it was a great place to indulge in people watching and on any other day she would have been relaxed and happy; but today her stomach was doing back flips and she was experiencing real panic. Harry had repeatedly assured her that his daughter was all in favour of the relationship but she knew Catherine was well aware of the hurt she'd caused Harry over the years.

Breathing deeply she pushed open the door and scanned the room. A younger blonde woman stood and walked towards her, her hand outstretched "You can only be Ruth" she said "Dad said you were lovely and he wasn't fibbing. Do you fancy sitting outside? I do love people watching." And after that it had been a bit easier. Catherine expressed her joy that her Dad had finally been able to find her and that at last there were no impediments in their way.

"He's loved you for years Ruth, but you know that don't you?" she said as they sipped their coffee and picked at Danish pastries. "At first I thought it was just a passing fancy but after you went away the first time we grew closer and it became so obvious that he was shattered, for a while I feared for his stability. And then you came back and I had high hopes that it would all be fine but" and here she leant forward and smiled sadly "well I don't know the details and I don't suppose I ever will but it just didn't happen did it? Dad was, well the best way I can describe it is he was confused, hurt, baffled just think of any adjective that explains bewilderment and that was Dad. And then you left again and he went into melt down. Oh I don't mean he went mad and started to throw things but his drinking that had been steadily increasing got worse and he started to take unnecessary risks. I know about the risk side because Malcolm told me. Malcolm and Dad go back a long way and there's genuine affection there isn't there?"

Ruth acknowledged that what Catherine said was true and that she also thought of Malcolm as a good friend who had been a rock though some very bad times.

"Sipping her coffee Catherine carried on "And then came the _**accident**_. What is it the Americans call it _**Death by cop?**_ I truly believe that he was putting himself in danger on purpose Ruth because he thought he'd lost you forever. The first time I visited him the hospital I was so angry with him, he was laid there covered in dressings, tubes and connections to machines everywhere and he looked so small, so old, so defeated it broke my heart and at that moment Ruth I hated you."

Ruth had been fiddling with her serviette, she had realised pretty quickly that Catherine needed to tell her story; wouldn't appreciate Ruth interrupting the flow. But the last statement had caught her unawares, she had not expected a sentiment like that to be so openly voiced. She opened her mouth to speak but Catherine quickly carried on.

"I spent a lot of time with him even though he was unconscious, talked about stupid silly things. Memories from my childhood and I came to understand that as a parent whilst he was there he hadn't been that bad at it. When I was little I used to blame him for all the arguments but I know now that you can't argue with yourself. Oh he was a bastard to my Mother but really she shouldn't have poisoned us against him like she did. It badly affected us both, especially Graham. Then as he started to come out of the coma he began to call for you, to tell you how much he loved you. Lamenting, yes lamenting is the only word I can use the lost chances, the times he should have told you how he felt. Something about a corridor in a place called Haven? And kissing you on a dock? About sitting on a bench? And he cried Ruth, he cried, I'd never seen my Dad cry before and it tore me apart and I wanted to kill you."

"Maybe I should go?" said Ruth "If you feel like this Catherine I really need to talk to your Father, we need to have a conversation about this. Have you told him how you feel? I'm not saying that your wrong to feel like this but …..."

"No, no! Gosh I'm handling this badly aren't I? It's just that I need to tell you where I am at the moment and how I got here. Can you bear with me please?"

Ruth nodded her silent consent.

"After he had been transferred to Tring he was in a very dark place, his physical wounds were if not healing responding to treatment but mentally he had given up. Have you meet Professor Nix? I can see from the smile on your face you have. He's wonderful isn't he? He never gave Dad an inch, stood toe to toe with him, made him angry which was so much better than the morass of self pity and self loathing that he'd descended into. Anyway the good doctor encouraged me to talk to him, to annoy him, anything to provoke a response really. It was during that time I found out I was pregnant with Becky, when I told him he was overjoyed, he cried and he began to tell me all about you. And I came to understand Ruth how you'd sacrificed yourself, your whole life to save my Dad twice. And I knew that you loved him just as much as he loved you. At that moment I knew that he would never be happy or whole until you were back in his life, and here you are thank goodness! He's been like a different man since you came back, I can't remember seeing him so happy and relaxed. Marry him Ruth, marry him."

In reply Ruth pulled the chain she was wearing and showed Catherine the ring that was attached to it before taking it off and placing it on her finger.

Catherine literally clapped her hands and leant forward to clasp Ruth's hand, her face radiating pleasure.

"Ruth leant forward and whispered "Shall we tell the old spook who's got us under surveillance that he can come out of hiding and join us?"

The meeting with Graham had been a little more prickly. Harry had insisted on openly accompanying her saying that his son was sometimes less than polite to him so he really didn't know how he would react to Ruth and the news. They meet in a pub on the banks of the Thames with an outside seating area. After making sure Ruth was comfortable with the situation Harry headed inside and sat at a window seat so he could observe them, ready to rescue Ruth if it was needed. This time Ruth was wearing her ring, she knew that Catherine had told her brother the news.

"Are you pregnant? Is that why you're marrying the old sod?" were Graham's first words to her." I thought he'd be past it by now or at least would have the sense to use contraception, but that's my Dad. Keeps his brains in his trousers!"

Ruth had been quietly studying the young man in front of her. It was obvious he was Harry's son, it was not so much that he looked like Harry, although he did have the Harry pout. It was his mannerisms, the way he held himself, his forthright manner. And his eyes that were as compelling and fascinating as Harrys.

"Don't expect him to be faithful, he'll play away from home you can be sure about that believe you me. He did it to my Mother and he'll do it to you. First time a pair of tits are flashed at him he'll be off. Oh he'll come crawling back but you'll never be able to trust him. So good luck with that!"

Taking a deep breath Ruth began "No I'm not pregnant Graham, not yet." and she let that statement hang in the air for a moment before she carried on. "I know all about your Dads track record you know, I am aware that he treated your Mother badly but that's in the past and he's a different man now. Even you must see that. I don't expect you to like me Graham but I do expect you to give us a chance. I love your Father and I believe, no I know he loves me. We're not silly kids, we've known each other a long, long time. I trust your Father with my life and my happiness."

That seems to take the wind out of Graham's sails a bit and by the time Harry had rejoined them he had grudgingly agreed to attend the wedding patting his Father on the shoulder telling him he was a lucky man and not to _**balls**_ this up.

That night as they lay in bed cuddling and kissing they talked about the events of the past few days and both agreed that really it couldn't have gone better and Harry told Ruth how much he was looking forward to them all spending time together as a family.

"I love you Ruth" he whispered "More than I thought possible and I will love and cherish you forever my darling"

As he bent his head to suck and kiss the pulse in her neck and his hands gently stroked her breasts Ruth could feel the heat rising in her body and she was tempted to urge Harry to touch her elsewhere, to take her to that wonderful place he promised to take her. But she had promised herself she would wait until her wedding night so that even if Harry was unable to fully consummate the marriage they could share something special for the first time.

 **Whilst I've been writing this I've been thinking about an interview Peter Firth did last night on the BBC. He was promoting the Spooks film and the first thing he said was that it starts while Harry is still in a dark place because he is mourning the love of his life Ruth Evershed. So we are right and Kudos was wrong! Well that's my opinion.**

 **P.S. He may have been hinting there would be another film. What a great chance to resurrect Ruth! After all we know it can be done beautifully don't we.**


	26. Chapter 26

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Twenty Six

 **Decided not to go into great detail about the wedding it's been done so well before on this site and I felt I had nothing more to add. Just be warned this does stray into M rated territory so please don't read if that's not your sort of thing!**

Harry closed and locked the door. He was feeling a strange mixture of euphoria, apprehension and utter bloody exhaustion. Today had been without doubt one of the best days of his life and now his wife, **his wife** stood smiling at him as she placed her bag on the bed. They'd been married earlier that day in a small simple ceremony in Salisbury cathedral followed by a bite to eat and a few drinks with Catherine, her husband, Graham and Malcolm before the chauffeur driven car that Harry had hired whisked them off to catch the Euro Star.

He'd been without Ruth last night as Catherine had insisted in whisking her off for a "Girls Night" leaving him to the mercy of his son in law , son and Malcolm. They'd all written him off as a light weight as he'd called it a night very early, he'd not spent a night apart from Ruth since the first night of their "adventure" and he'd missed her so much he just had to call her. Hearing her voice had calmed him a little but he couldn't help himself he just had to ask the question that had been rolling round in his head since he'd kissed her goodbye that morning

"You will be there won't you Ruth? I know and so do you that you could do so much better than me but please tell me you'll be there. I promise I'll make you happy Ruth. I promise."

And of course she had been there looking stunning in a pale ivory dress that showed off her figure to it's best advantage, carrying a small posy of wild flowers, her smiles just for him. And here they were now, together. Man and wife. And he was terrified. He had promised that he would love and cherish her, well he was sure that he'd have no trouble doing that for the rest of his life but and it was a big but would he be able to fulfil his role as a husband in the true sense of the word? As if sensing his unease Ruth yawned and moving towards him said softly

"Not that I want to put a damper on things Harry but I whacked, would you mind very much if we turned in and just had a jolly good cuddle. After all we've got the rest of our lives for other things."

Harry woke about three in the morning dying for the loo. As he slipped back into bed he could see that Ruth was wide awake and smiling at him. He moved to lay as close to her as he possibly could whispering to her

" Can we stop pretending to be teenagers now Ruth, can I show you just how much and how many ways I can and will love you?"

And his hand slid underneath the flimsy nightie that she'd donned before she'd got into bed. As his hand brushed over her breasts she moaned and trembled with delight. She helped Harry to remove the nightie and lay back against the pillows as Harry gazed at her form, inhaling deeply through his nose as he whispered words of love and admiration. As his hands stroked her stomach she could see that his eyes had darkened and could hear his breathing become laboured as though he was struggling with himself. He bent and took a nipple in his mouth pinching and teasing, eliciting tiny moans of pleasure and arousal from Ruth; she thought she might go mad as he began giving the other nipple the same loving care and attention before he pushed down the covers and began to kiss and lick his way down her belly murmuring words of love and desire. At this point Ruth took the chance to slip Harry's pyjama trousers off, he'd already discarded the top himself.

Breasts rising and falling with desire Ruth felt Harry trail kisses and nips down her stomach as he positioned himself between her thighs. Ruth thought she had been transported to heaven as he began to place devouring kisses in and around her clitoris, she gasped from the overwhelming ecstasy that was washing over her in waves. As he lapped and stroked her most sensitive flesh with his mobile tongue and gorgeous mouth he hummed with pleasure against her. And every sound only added to the wonderful heart stopping sensations she was feeling. She reached behind her to clutch the pillows and cried out in unrestrained joy.

She didn't see the grin of triumph that spread across his face as she helplessly stretched and arched towards his attention she was too busy keening for the ultimate release from such delicious attentions. In reply Harry gave a pleading sort of whimper and Ruth instinctively parted her thighs a little more, granting his fingers access to join his tongue in arousing her to new heights of euphoria. Moving back up her body Ruth could feel him hot and throbbing against her as he stalked upwards, climbing her body, following a tongue wet trail of kisses from hip to navel to rib to breasts where he paused once more to suckle, then to clavicle to throat and as his fingers probed and tickled her most intimate folds inside and out he knew he'd found that very special part of her as he kissed her again. His tongue demanding entry to her mouth as deeply as his fingers entered her sex. Ruth came with utter abandonment and she emitted a low growl she didn't even know she was capable of.

What happened next was something that Ruth thought about again and again trying to analyse what she could have done differently. In her rapture she'd not even stopped to think about the fact that Harry had an erection. No that thought had not crossed her mind as she reached between them and with the intention of guiding Harry's hot length into her she had grasped hold of his throbbing penis. Harry gasped and tried to move away from her but at that moment he had ejaculated into her hand groaning and writhing as he did so. His orgasm was violent and seemed to go on for ever and soon they were both slick with his semen.

They lay panting together both overwhelmed by what had happened. Harry had collapsed on top of her turning his face away from her and she noticed that his greying curls were stuck to the back of his neck with sweat. As her own breathing calmed she became aware of a change in the cadence of his breathing. He was sucking in short gasps and clearly trying to disguise the sound. With some alarm Ruth realised that he was weeping.

Bringing her hand up to stroke his head she said "Harry...?What's the matter...? My love ?" her voice came out weak and airless below his muscular shoulder, which prompted him instantly up onto his forearms.

His answer was a heart-rending sob "I'm so sorry Ruth, what was I thinking? I'm an old man, past his prime and I've no right to expect you to bind yourself to a broken wreck like me. Oh Ruth! My darling girl. I'm so sorry. Please say you forgive me!"

 **Really not sure about this so far out of my comfort zone but it just didn't seem right to have them walking into the sunset hand in hand with not a care in the world. And because I'm evil that struck me as really boring!**


	27. Chapter 27

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Twenty Seven

Just a quick note to say "Thank You" to all of you who have taken the time to read this story and an especial "Thank You" to the kind people who have left a review. Reviews are a special thing!

Ruth rolled over and looked at the alarm clock, it was quarter to six in the morning. She'd finally given in to her need for sleep around two. Her need to know that he was safely home ultimately defeated by her weariness. She didn't need to reach out to see if he was in bed beside her she'd known he wasn't there even before she was fully awake. He would be,if she was lucky asleep in the room across the hall or the other possibility was that he'd decided to sleep at his club. She didn't know which scenario hurt her the most. On the one hand he'd come home but couldn't bring himself to share the marital bed with her or on the other he couldn't even be bothered to come home at all.

What a bloody mess!

As she lay there willing herself not to cry she couldn't help but go over and over in her mind the circumstances that had led them to this place. After the events of the first night of their honeymoon she'd been confident that the worst of it was behind them, after all Harry had achieved an erection of startling proportions. He had been hot and hard and she'd lain there almost panting with anticipation as she'd taken him in her hand ready to guide him into her. Maybe that had been her first mistake, she'd been too eager, but she'd been so sated, so euphoric by what he'd done for her she'd wanted to share the bliss she was feeling with him. He'd been devastated at his premature climax and nothing she had said or done could sooth him. In the end the only thing that seemed to have any effect was her rocking him in hers arms like a child until he finally drifted off into a troubled sleep.

Unfortunately that first night had only heralded what was to come. They'd lurched from one unsuccessful sexual encounter to another. Either Harry was unable to achieve an erection or he climaxed before he was able to enter her. Oh he'd been scrupulous in his attentions to her needs bringing her to climax again and again but as the week went on and his desperation became more and more apparent the pleasure she experienced became less and less important.

And it was during that time that she realised just how little she knew Harry Pearce. He began to effectively close himself down, building walls around himself that she just couldn't breach. Oh! he hadn't stopped interacting with her, no it was much worse than that. He'd just withdrawn the part of himself that she really craved, the intimate, private part of him that no one else could even imagine. The part of him that she'd been privileged to glimpse during their "adventure". And he was so bloody good at it! When they were roaming the streets of Paris, exploring, meandering, popping into second hand book shops, visiting out of the way museums or even just sitting outside a café watching the world go by he was attentive, loving, the perfect partner in fact. It was only when the setting became intimate that he disappeared behind his carefully constructed barriers.

By the end of the honeymoon she was exhausted with it all. She was herself very good at masking her true feelings, a craft that she'd learned at a very early age and that had served her well during her years with the service but her relationship with Harry was too important for her to pretend. She could feel him slipping away from her and she knew that whether it was intentional or not he was destroying what they'd built together.

It had all come to a head so to speak on the last night in Paris. They'd dined at the hotel enjoying good food and excellent wine in a relaxing and thoroughly enjoyable atmosphere, the epitome of the perfect couple. So when Harry had turned to her later ready to perform what she had come to think of as his **duty** she'd pulled away from him. She couldn't bear the falseness of it all. Oh she'd cited tiredness as the reason but they both knew that wasn't the real reason. He'd rolled over to his side of the bed without a word and she sensed another brick being placed on the wall.

Before they'd married Ruth had obtained a position at the SOAS, just a part time post in the translation department and she'd thrown herself into the work with gusto using it as she'd used work in the past to mask her unhappiness. And they'd settled into a sort of routine, the routine of a couple who'd been married for years instead of a few weeks. They were both very good at assuming their chosen roles, no one would have, could have guessed at the turmoil and unhappiness that they were generating in each other. They shared a bed less and less and it seemed to Ruth that Harry was becoming more and more loath to touch her

. The last time he touched her in an intimate way was burnt into her memory, they'd had a lovely day nearly reminiscent of the "adventure" She'd been laying on the bed still draped in a towel after her shower when he laid down beside her wearing nothing but a towelling robe. He'd said something silly to her, it didn't matter what; it was the playfulness in his voice that she remembered and cherished and he'd kissed her. Just kissed her, he'd made no move to do any more than that but she could feel him harden against her outer thigh and she'd shifted to give him better access to her ,deepening the kiss as she encouraged his tongue to explore her mouth, both of them moaning with pleasure and need. His hand had slid down her body and lightly stroked her, sliding a finger gently inside her, his eyes never leaving hers. And all the time he was growing harder and more insistent and God help her she'd reached to take him in her hand and he'd shot back as though he'd been shot

. "For Christ's sake Ruth can't you keep your bloody hands to yourself?

He'd shouted as semen covered them both. In her panic she'd caught some of the worst of the scar tissue with her engagement ring causing him to almost pass out with the pain. And after that all amorous contact had ceased. He kissed her goodbye when she left for work and would hold her hand when they were out walking but no more than that.

Sometimes Ruth would catch him looking at her with such sadness in his eyes that it almost broke her heart. She'd tried everything she could think of to get him to open up to her, but these days he seemed to shun any kind of physical contact with her, why just yesterday he'd told her that he'd booked himself a course of massages so she wouldn't have to **bother!** As if the thought of touching her husband's body was a chore that she endured! She had been so hurt by his remarks she thought that for one moment she might stop breathing altogether but she'd merely nodded and gone back to the book she was reading.

Of course it could not go on and they started to argue, bickering about silly little things that were of no consequence but that somehow or other seemed to get blown up out of all proportion and Ruth got the distinct impression that Harry was goading her, trying to make her bite back but for the most part she refused. She was very good at hiding, very good at masking unhappiness.

She'd arranged to meet Catherine in town after she'd finished at the university for the day and they'd done a bit of window shopping but then of course they'd given into the inevitable temptation and brought clothes for Harry's granddaughter,lots more than the child needed but wasn't that what one did for beloved children. As they sat outside in the sunshine, sipping coffee, people watching, surrounded by bags Catherine suddenly said

"I'm going to have to go through her stuff and get rid of some of it she's running out of space. I wish you and Dad would get a move on, of course I'm putting all the unisex stuff to one side but there are some really beautiful girly bits and pieces that I'm reluctant to part with unless it's to my baby sister."

Ruth felt for a moment as though she'd been punched in the stomach. Of course like everyone else her understanding was that Ruth and her father were **at it like rabbits,** why hadn't Harry always put on his best performance as a loving, affectionate husband when they were with Catherine and her husband and hadn't she gone along with the charade ashamed to reveal the true state of her marriage. She managed to make some non-committal answer, then diverted Catherine's attention by pointing out a passing woman whose dress sense seemed to have utterly deserted her and the conversation moved onto fashion faux pas that they had inflicted on the world. The question of a baby brother or sister forgotten amid the laughter as they recalled their most heinous crimes against good taste.

But by the time Ruth got home she was seething. How dare he play games with her emotions? How dare he pretend to the world that everything was hunky dory when their lives were falling apart round their ears? Why wouldn't he just bloody talk to her about it?

She put her key in the lock and took a deep breath before pushing open the door.

"Hullo" she shouted "Anyone home?"

He came through from the kitchen his face like thunder.

"You're late. Would it have hurt you to pick up the phone and let me know you were going to be late? Aren't I at least owed that common courtesy? No doubt your young, new friends at work are proving more interesting than your old, ugly, damaged husband."

And he turned away from her reaching for the whisky decanter.

"Don't you dare turn your back on me Harry Pearce!" even she was surprised by the venom in her voice." Just don't you bloody dare! And put the whisky down for Gods sake why have you always thought that the answer lies at the bottom of a bottle? I would have thought by your age you'd have learnt that it bloody well doesn't! We need to talk Harry, this is not going to go away and I'm not willing to carry on like this. I'm, we're worth so much more than this."

"And just exactly is this Ruth? Because I'll tell you what I think it is, I think it's a beautiful vibrant young woman who's regretting that she's saddled herself with this!"

And he spread his hands in what could only be described as despair as he gestured to his body

"And **Thank You So Much** for bringing attention to my age Ruth. It's just what I needed. This is real life Ruth not some childish fairy tale. Grow up! You live in a multi million pound home in one of the best parts of London. You'll never want for anything ever again, your name is on all my credit cards. For Christ sake woman!"

And they stood and stared at each other neither of them quite knowing what to do or say next. It was Harry who seemed to recover first as he carried on relentlessly

"Maybe what you want is a young fit body Ruth? Someone who can fuck you senseless, someone who can keep it up long enough to actually fuck you? Well you'll have to look elsewhere for that! Just don't let me find out, that's all!"

Before she knew it Ruth had stepped forward and smacked his face: hard, leaving a hand mark livid and red against his cheek. For one brief moment she was afraid that he was going to retaliate but he merely shrugged turned and picked up the whisky decanter muttering more to himself than to her

"Just don't let me find out."

She'd fled the room, locking herself in the bathroom sobbing, trying to formulate a plan to get to him before he slipped away from her entirely. Later he called her down for supper and apart from the angry red weal on his face you would not have thought that nothing was amiss. Obviously as far as Harry Pearce was concerned it was business as usual. Business as usual as later on in the evening as she lay in the bath she heard the front door close and when she'd dried herself she'd gone downstairs to find the room empty and a note propped up in front of the whisky decanter that read _**Going to my club. Don't wait up.**_ And as she crumpled the note in her hands tears streaming down her face all she could formulate about the situation was the fact that he'd not even bothered to sign his name or put those silly kisses on the paper.

And now as she lay there alone in the dark Ruth wondered what she had got herself into. And one of her mother's saying slithered through her mind as it had so often done over the last few weeks...

 _ **Marry in haste**_

 _ **Repent at leisure**_

 **My last posting of 2017 and not a happy place to leave them; but it was never going to be hearts and flowers all the way was it?**


	28. Chapter 28

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Twenty Eight

 **This story was not supposed to be this long but it just seems to have taken on a life of it's own. Hopefully I can now start steering it in the direction I want it to go and they'll let me do that!**

Across the hall Harry was also waking up. He felt dreadful, his head was pounding and his mouth felt like, well pick any one of a dozen different disgusting descriptions. He thought that he might throw up if he moved so he laid there for a while and let the feelings of self pity wash over him.

He'd been at his club last night with every intention of sleeping there; he didn't think he could bear another night feeling her hurt and disappoint flowing off her in waves as they lay in the marital bed striving not to touch one another. He knew that he was the one who was causing her unhappiness, knew that he should be the one to make a move towards reconciliation but what could he do or say that would make the bloody ghastly situation better? He was not physically capable of being a husband, he'd proved that time and time again and now he was sure that Ruth was almost to the point that she'd given up on him. That's why he was pushing her away, he knew in his heart of hearts that he'd lose her sooner or later, he'd after all married her under false pretences. God! He'd even been stupid enough to ask her to have children with him! That thought caught in his throat and for a moment he felt breath hard to come by. What a selfish, desperate, lonely idiot he'd been. What right had he to promise something that was impossible? It was just that he'd been so sure when he saw her that everything would be better, that she would save him, save him from the loneliness and despair that he'd seen stretching ahead of him Indeed that first time he'd seen her in the pub just the sight of her had been like succour to a dying man and in that moment he'd felt something he'd not felt for years. Hope, but now it was slipping away like sand between his fingers.

Leaving the house last night with the intention of sleeping at his club had been cowardly but he needed to get away from the unbearable pain he felt just sharing time and space with Ruth. Of course he knew that it was guilt that was making him act in the way he did but that didn't make it any easier and he kidded himself that he wasn't really running ,kidded himself that he was doing the best for Ruth by not waking her when he came home drunk because that's what he intended to do.

He intended to get as Drunk as a Skunk! Rat Arsed! Pissed as a Newt! He'd moderated his drinking at home but last night he'd really felt the need to tie one on so when he'd arrived at his club he'd found himself a quiet corner before he'd ordered a full bottle of Macallan Cask Strength single malt with the very real intention of drinking himself into oblivion; that was until he was hailed from across the room.

Closing his eyes as irritation seeped into every pore of his being he wondered why he hadn't had the good sense to adjourn to the Silent Room where no verbal communication was allowed on pain of being black balled from the establishment. He'd done his best to ignore the greeting and instead concentrated on the smooth amber liquid as it slid down his throat and into his churning stomach. Of course ignoring an idiot like Giles Percival was never going to have the desired effect; the man was as thick skinned as a bloody rhino!

"Harry Pearce is it you!" the man continued as he plonked himself down in a chair at Harry's side

"Let me introduce you" and he gestured to the two men who were with him "This is Hector Blanding and Oscar Elwood. Chaps I'd like to introduce you to the legendary Sir Harry Pearce K.B.E. Though what he'd doing here when he's got a beautiful,young bride at home I can't imagine!"

And the man guffawed to himself as though he'd said the funniest thing ever. Harry didn't respond to the goading simply acknowledging the introduction whilst attempting to make it perfectly clear that he wanted to be alone and they should push off.

However it appeared that Percival was on a roll

"I can see Harry that I caught you unawares there. Score one for me I think! Not often one can say he leaves the great Harry Pearce speechless! Yes one for me definitely!" Turning to his companions he said in a stage whisper "This sly old dog only went and married a cracker twenty years younger than himself! Maybe there's hope for us old un's eh! See he still can't work out how I know. Oh this is so damn satisfying! Well what he doesn't know is that my sister in law does the flowers in Salisbury Cathedral where the deadly deed took place. It's a small world eh Harry?"

And so it went on until Harry was about ready to kill somebody, his need to escape outweighing his urge to stay the night in central London. He called over one of the stewards asking him to put his bottle of whisky behind the bar until he was next in the club and as the saying goes "Made his excuses and left" Left that is with the comments of fellow members ringing in his ears all of the expressing envy at what and whom he had waiting for him when he got home.

As he walked down the steps leading from the club into Pall Mall the cold night air hit him immediately sobering him. Not that he'd drunk that much. Looking at his watch he calculated that if he hailed a taxi now Ruth would still be awake and that he really couldn't face another confrontation or even worse her looks and words of understanding and bloody sympathy. He turned and his feet seemed to take him automatically through Carlton Gardens, down Whitehall and into Parliament Street so that he was only yards from Millbank and Thames House before he was even aware of it. Was this he wondered some sort of pilgrimage back to a place where he'd ironically felt safe? Safe because he'd not had to prove anything to anybody, safe because no one before or after Ruth had been able to pierce the bubble that he'd surrounded himself in. The bubble that kept him and his emotions protected. Yes on reflection Thames House had been his bolt hole where he hid in plain sight! Well he thought with a snort that's all bloody changed. Now I'm out in the open and what's worse I'm one mass of walking ruddy emotions these days!

He'd wandered aimlessly about for a little longer checking his watch until he thought that the likelihood of Ruth being awake was long gone before he hailed a black cab. As it drew up outside their house he was pleased to see that all the lights were out and he fiddled for his keys as he handed the driver the fare. The man took the money but as was often the way with London cabbies he couldn't resist commenting

"Looks like the other half's in bed mate. Bet you're in bother. Good Luck!" And the man drove off laughing at his own witticisms.

Quietly he slipped into the house re-setting the alarms and because it was second nature checking all the windows and doors before grabbing a glass and a bottle before he mounted the stairs. She'd left the bedroom door ajar and he couldn't resist peeking in. She was fast asleep, hugging his pillow to her as if it were a life line. She looked incredibly young her hair which was longer now spread across the pillow, she was beautiful and she was his but for how much longer? All he had to do was cross to the bed and...He felt his body responding to his thoughts and for one moment he truly believed that he would be able to make love to his wife but then flash backs of all the cruel and painful encounters they'd experienced surfaced and he knew as his physical reaction to Ruth and her beauty subsided that it was better not to go down that harrowing road again.

Groaning as he recalled last night he felt sick to his stomach and it couldn't all be because of the amount of alcohol he'd consumed. No some of it was because of guilt. He'd tossed and turned all night going over and over in his mind how they could savage something from the train wreck that was their marriage and he could only come up with one conclusion.

It was time for him to sacrifice himself and his hopes and dreams for her for a change.


	29. Chapter 29

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Twenty Nine

 **I think I should warn you that things get worse before they get better!**

Harry knew that he must have fallen back to sleep because when he finally stumbled down the stairs he was alone in the house. For one moment he didn't know if he was relieved or angry that Ruth had decided to leave without telling him where she was going. He filled the kettle and slammed it down on the work top causing the mugs hanging on the mug tree to knock against each other and the sound irritated him beyond belief. So much so that he picked the whole thing up and brought it back behind his head with every intention of throwing it against the wall only stopping when one of the mugs rolled to the floor and smashed. The sight and the sound of the shattered china brought him back to his senses and he automatically went to retrieve the dustpan and brush. The mundane everyday simplicity of clearing up the mess seemed to calm him so when the kettle boiled he was more composed and less angry.

As he sat at the kitchen table he noticed an envelope propped up against the bread bin. Rising stiffly he took it and sitting back down he placed it up against the sugar bowl staring at it with a look of malevolence that in times past had struck fear into the hearts of many. Maybe this is it he thought, maybe she's beat me to it but when he'd come down the stairs he couldn't see that anything was missing. A pair of her shoes were where she must have discarded them last night, her favourite book lay open on the coffee table and her best coat was still hanging in the hall.

How many times had he asked her to move it he wondered. That bloody coat had become a battle of wills, a symptom of all that was wrong with their marriage. He had become obsessed with it and his need for her to move it had become blown out of all proportion. And that stubborn masculine side of his nature felt the need to make a big thing of it. He started out by half joking about it being hung in the wardrobe where it belonged, then it had moved on to nagging and then he had become downright nasty about it at times, that and her seeming inability to tidy up after herself.

Ruth had in the beginning taken it all in her stride, laughing at him about it but as the days went on and he got more and more obsessed the laughter ceased as she began to dig her heels in purposely draping a scarf into the neck of the coat, then taking it down in front of him (He thought he'd won then!) before she'd hung it back up in the same place smoothing it as she did so.

At the end of one particularly heated exchange he'd shouted at her

"And move that bloody coat now!"

To which she had calmly replied "If it bothers you that much Harry you move it!"

And they had stood in the hall both of them knowing that it wasn't about the coat at all but neither of them willing to make a start on the real dialogue, neither of them willing to be the first to open the festering sore that was driving them apart.

Giving the coat one last baleful look he limped back into the kitchen and picked up the envelope knowing that he would have to open it sooner or later. Reading it he was struck by banality. The ordinariness of it

 _ **Harry**_

 _ **Just a quick note to let you know that I've been called into work. Something about a conference that's going to need an interpretor. Don't really know the details as yet but will keep you posted. I've looked and we need bread and milk, I'll get them. Have you thought about supper? Let me know if you want me to bring anything else in with me.**_

 _ **Ruth.**_

And that was it, no kisses, no words of endearment, no chastising because he'd been late home last night. Nothing. Why couldn't she give him something to get angry about? Why did she have to be so bloody reasonable, why would she never initiate the arguments, only biting back when he had been undeniably foul to her? He needed more from her than this studied indifference, he needed passion from her, he needed to know that he inspired passion from her even it was negative. And this time he did pick up his empty mug and hurl it against the wall watching as the pieces slid down the wall and onto the floor with a satisfying clatter.

In the early evening as he sat in his favourite arm chair waiting for Ruth to come home he thought back over his day. The trip to his solicitor had been painful, he'd known the man for years and it hadn't been that long since he visited him, that time he'd arranged for Ruth's name to be added to the house deeds, for her to be given access to his safety deposit boxes and made various changes to his will so that Ruth would be fully provided for. That time had been a joyous, congratulatory visit much figurative back slapping and hail fellow well meet being involved. This time had been sombre and doleful as the man took Harry through the options pointing out the various pitfalls and drawbacks to each scenario that they discussed. All the time enquiring

"Are you sure Harry, marriage after you've been on your own as long as you have takes some getting used to old boy. Don't do anything too hasty, can't you and your good lady talk about it? After all what you're contemplating is final Harry, there'll be no going back, no going back at all. And it'll be quicker than you thing. This kind of thing is much too quick these days in my opinion."

Harry had left the office feeling depressed and defeated but convinced that he had no choice but to pursue the course of action he had chosen for her sake. He'd known that they would have to wait a year before they could be divorced but that a legal separation would be the first step on the road to ending the hell that he was putting Ruth through. When he'd asked Tomlinson if there was not some way the process could be speeded up the man had laughed, a hollow sound without any joy or comfort encapsulated within and he'd stared hard at Harry saying

"Well the only way would be annulment and I think that the only grounds you would have would be that the marriage hasn't been consummated and I'd bet my last shilling that that's not the case. Not if I know anything about you Harry Pearce."

Something in his face must have given him away as Tomlinson began to look embarrassed, unable to look him the eye and the tone of jolly banter that had been on his tongue a moment ago dried in his mouth. "I'm sorry" he said obviously searching for the right words. "I had no idea Harry, no idea. Of course I know something about your injuries but I didn't realise the full extent. I'm sorry Harry but I'm sure Ruth won't be that cruel to you. Will she?"

So here he sat on his third generous shot of single malt waiting for the woman he loved to walk through their front door, waiting to tell her that he was willing to let her go, that he wouldn't be selfish any more. Waiting to tell her what he'd found out this afternoon, ready to tell her that if she wanted he would let her go because all he really wanted was for her to be happy. Praying that if she decided as he was sure she would that she did want her freedom she would not opt for the annulment. That she cared enough for him that she would be willing to wait the year, that she would leave him with at the very least his pride.

He was so deep in his own world; his world of torment that he didn't hear her key in the door or her footsteps up the hall; it was only when she opened the door and walked towards him that he became aware of her. And he found that he was unable to move or speak as he gazed at her beloved face. His heart beating so fast and loud in his chest that he thought she must be able to hear it as the blood pounded in his ears making him deaf.

She looked quizzically at him before she said softly "Harry what on earth's the matter, you look awful. You sit there and I'll get you a drink."

And then her gaze took in the glass and the half empty bottle of whisky by his side and her smile faded and he heard her mutter "Might have known you'd have already made a start." And without a backward glance she left the room and the next thing he heard was her clattering about in the kitchen.

 **Sorry if this seems a bit short but it seemed to be a natural place to end. Still don't really know where it's going to go next. But no doubt they'll tell me what they want to do!**


	30. Chapter 30

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Thirty

 **Iv'e played about with this a lot and I just hope it reads the way I want it to. I would love to here from you if you think it's right or even if you think it's wrong. It's really nice to know if readers are enjoying your stories.**

Ruth sat in what could only be described as stunned silence. Harry had followed her into the kitchen taking the shopping bag she was carrying from her before automatically emptying it; putting the milk in the fridge and bread in the bin. Oddly enough it had registered with him that she'd bought some of his favourite bread rolls and treated him to a Chelsea bun, one of his real weaknesses.

While he was doing these mundane domestic tasks Ruth had gone about the business of making them a cup of tea enquiring of Harry what he wanted for supper. On receiving no reply she'd turned to him and saw what she'd come to recognize **as that look** in his eyes. Turning away from his she'd said to him

"Before you start Harry, before you begin to list my short comings as a wife, a companion and even for all I know as a human being would you mind awfully if I made myself a cup of tea? From the look on your face I'm going to need it."

He'd merely nodded and taken a seat at the table, not speaking to her again until she'd placed a mug in front of him and sat down herself. Maybe thinking that attack was the best form of defence Ruth decided to speak first. She was tired, work had been taxing, not taxing like the Grid used to be, no more like GCHQ had been all those long years before, before her life became complicated and perplexing. Yes life at GCHQ had been boring but it had been safe and for one brief moment she looked back with fond nostalgia at her time spent in Cheltenham when all she had to deal with was mounds of intelligence and the petty jealousies of co-workers and inter departmental rivalries!

Different time, different country.

"Well what have I done wrong this time Harry, if it's about that coat I give in, I'll move it when I've finished my tea, I'll move the shoes from the bottom of the stairs, I'll even move my book. Just make me a list of things that I've put in the wrong place and I'll see to it. I don't want to fight you any more Harry, I don't have the energy to fight you any more. Please can we call a truce?"

And she'd picked up her mug and taken a long sip of her tea watching and waiting for a response.

When it came it was not anything like she'd been expecting and now she sat whelmed by what he'd said. So overpowered by his words that she was unable to form any meaningful sounds in response as she absorbed the gist of Harry's words.

Using all her self control and field craft, skills she honed over many years to protect herself she'd quietly replied

"Right, let me see if I've got this straight Harry, you want a divorce? You want out of this marriage, you've been to your solicitor and made enquiries as to the best way for you to **get rid of me**. But you'd like us to stay married for at least a year and not go for the easy, I use the word easy in the looses sense of the word Harry. Not go for the easy option of annulment so you can save face. You are a Bastard of the first order Sir Henry James Pearce, a Bastard of the first order!"

And with that she's stood and rushed from the room leaving Harry sitting at the table nursing his mug and for the second time that day he pulled his arm back and threw it at the wall, tears running freely down his cheeks, despairing that now he'd uttered the words there could be no turning back. That now she would surely leave him. He expected to hear the door go at any minute as she left the house maybe to never return but the house remained deathly quiet and he began to worry about her.

Standing with difficulty, why he wondered did his leg always ache so much when he was emotional? He climbed the stairs and tapped softly on _their_ bedroom door. There was no answer but he could hear muffled sobbing so he pushed it open and was faced with the tableau of Ruth sitting on the bed surrounded by all sorts of bits and bobs. Skirts, scarf, socks, books (of course he thought there would have to be books).

"Ruth?"

"I don't know what I'm supposed to take!" came the heart felt cry from the bed. "What are you supposed to take when your husband has thrown you out? No book I've ever read has given advice about a situation like this? What am I supposed to take Harry, you're the one who's thought this all out. Tell me Harry, tell me!"

And she walked towards him eyes blazing and began to pummel his chest with her fists and his whole world became Ruth in that moment. Her sobbing, the force of her fists on his chest, the sight of her face contorted in grief the sound of her voice as she grieved for what she thought she had lost and as he pulled her towards him the feel of her tears as they dampened his shirt.

Walking slowly backwards with her still clamped to his chest he steered them towards the chair in the corner of the room sitting down and arranging her on his lap, ignoring the shards of pain that coursed through the scar tissue. For a few moments he did nothing else but rock her like he used to rock Catherine and Graham when they were small children when some little catastrophe had befallen them.

God he thought Catherine and Graham; Catherine would be so disappointed in him. He knew she was already very fond of Ruth and had spoken to him on many occasions about being careful not to fall back into his "grumpy" ways. He could almost see her face when he told her the marriage was over; she would say "Oh Dad what have you done this time?" and then she would go quiet on him as she struggled to cope with her feelings of disapproval and blame. Yes their relationship would really suffer. And Graham; he shuddered when he thought of his sons reaction. Graham liked Ruth. Probably more than he liked him! And he remembered the last words they'd exchanged before they'd set out for Paris. "Don't Fuck this up Dad. Just don't fuck this up. She's better than you deserve. But for some reason she loves you. This is your, our second chance make the most of it." q then he'd patted him on the back and even allowed Harry to pull him into a bear hug. That would all end now. The odd drink down the local, the phone calls, the leg pulling about the state of the England cricket team. All that would end to be replaced by raw anger and then the deafening silence that been their only communication for many years. God help him. But he must be strong for her sake.

Slowly she calmed and her heart wrenching sobs became quieter and more controlled but as she made to pull away from him he clasped her tight to his chest. If this was going to be the last time he held her he would make it last as long as was humanly possible.

"You see" she said making him start at the sound of her voice "You see, this is why I spent all those years running from you. I knew that I would never be enough for you, I knew that I would never be able to live up to your expectations. I knew" and here she took a deep breath to stop herself crying again "I knew that you thought I was more than I am. I'm not sophisticated or glamorous I knew that you'd get bored with me. I just knew it!" and she began to sob once more.

Harry didn't know what to say to her. How could she think that she was the one at fault, it was him, he was the guilty one, the one who had trapped a beautiful, vibrant young woman into a marriage with a broken, bitter old man who would over time suck the life force out of her and make her as bitter and twisted as he was. He had to make her understand that none of this was her fault. That what he was proposing was best for her. That he was only doing this for her ultimate benefit, it was all for her sake.

He pushed her away from his chest, noticing that his shirt was wet and very crumbled and he wondered in passing if the lipstick and mascara would ever wash out of it. Shaking his head in disbelief that anything as mundane as laundry should be on his mind at a time like this he stroked her cheek with his thumb.

"Ruth, you must never ever think that any of this is your doing. The blame is entirely mine and mine alone, I was unforgivably selfish my Ruth. I thought, no I really believed that I could give you every thing that you needed, that you deserved but I was wrong. I'm past redemption Ruth, I'm past the point of no return. I've seen and done too much to be able to be function as a normal human being. Save yourself Ruth, save yourself while you still can, before I taint you, before I taint you with the poison that infects me!"

And with that he found that he was weeping too, weeping for lost chances, weeping because he'd failed to redeem himself. Weeping because the future that he saw for himself was even darker than the one he'd come to accept before Ruth had walked back into his life.

 **Again an awful place to leave it but it does seem to be a natural ending for this chapter. This story is killing me. Why did it have to decide to go this way? It's not what I intended when I started out I can tell you! Thank you everyone for sticking with it. Thank you for reading and most especially sincere thanks for leaving reviews they mean a lot.**


	31. Chapter 31

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Thirty One

 **Sorry for the delay in updating but you know how it is; people and things just seem to get in the way!**

That sat for some time, Ruth showing no inclination to move from Harry's knees but the pain her presence was generating was becoming unbearable. With reluctance he whispered softly in her ear"I'm sorry Ruth but I'm going to have to move, the pain its..."

She jumped up immediately and backed away from him and he felt the loss of contact as though it was a physical blow. Standing suddenly with the intention of grasping her to him once again he was brought up short by a stab of pain from his groin to his ankle. The pain was so intense that he found him self unable to hold in the low moan that escaped through his pursed lips and he went down like a ton of bricks.

Ruth ran forward and knelt beside him on the bedroom floor smoothing his forehead, she thought that Harry had momentarily passed out so she made to rise so that she could get to her phone to call for assistance. As she moved Harry's hand shot out and between clenched teeth he said

"Don't go Ruth, please don't go. It's just the leg, that's all it is, honestly there's nothing anyone can do. If you'd fetch me a glass of water and two of the little white and red capsules I'll be fine in a while. But please don't go."

She came back a few minutes later and he had propped himself up against the side of the bed, his colour was better and his breathing was not so laboured, she handed him the pills and the water and then she told him she was going to help him onto the bed. He tried to argue with her but she was having none of it and after she cleared all her rubbish and after a bit of pulling and tugging aided by some choice language from Harry she got him on the bed, his head cradled by his pillows. Standing by the side of him she took hold of his belt unbuckling it before she undid his trousers. She'd got the zip down before he registered what she was doing. Grabbing tight hold of her wrist he asked

" What are you doing Ruth? Do you really want to be doing this?"

"What I'm doing Harry" she replied "Is making you more comfortable, so stop being so obstructive and let me get on". And with that she moved to the foot of the bed and was pulling his trousers down along with his socks. Reaching behind her to the chest of drawers she retrieved a pair of the old joggy bottoms that he slept in saying "Are you taking your underwear off or shall I?"

Harry laughed, a laugh with no mirth at all attached to it "God Ruth how many times over the years I prayed to hear you say that to me, but not in these circumstances. I'll try and manage if you don't mind." In the end it turned into a two person job but soon Harry was dressed for sleep Ruth having removed his shirt and got him into a t shirt. She pulled the duvet cover over him and made to leave the room.

"Stay with me Ruth please." His voice sounded even to him needy and pathetic but he couldn't help it he needed her. "Hold me please Ruth, just hold me until I sleep please." Ruth was of a mind to tell him to Go to Hell but he looked so dejected,so melancholic she didn't have the heart to leave him. She crossed to the window and after pulling the curtains she told him she be back after she'd visited the bathroom. He was very nearly asleep when she slipped into the bed beside him but he found the energy to turn and spoon himself to her pulling her close so he could bury his face into her neck. Within moments he was fast asleep.

Ruth lay in the semi-darkness listening to the sound of her husbands steady breathing more confused than ever. Just what was going on his mind, just what did he want. In less than an hour they'd gone from him telling her that she needed to divorce him to them laying in bed together his arms possessively around her as though he never intended to let her go.

When Harry woke it was dark outside and it took his eyes a while to adjust to the darkness in the room. Ruth was asleep, she turned whilst they were sleeping so that she was facing him her head cradled on his good shoulder, her breath caressing his skin and for a moment he just listened to the music of her inhaling and exhaling. At that moment it was the most beautiful sound in the world.

His contemplation was broken by his stomach rumbling and he was suddenly aware that he was very hungry and that he needed to pee. Very carefully he moved Ruth and she moaned softly in her sleep and she turned and pulled herself into a ball before she sank back into slumber. Standing gingerly he was pleased to find that the pain had subsided, although he still felt very stiff.

Half and hour later he was back in the bedroom carrying a tray which he set down on the dresser before he bent to switch his bedside lamp on. The bulb threw a soft, calming light around the room.

A voice from the bed startled him from his brooding thoughts.

"What are you up to now Harry?" she asked her voice slurred by sleep. "How long have I been asleep? What time is it? I should go." As she was talking she was moving aside the duvet and by the time he'd gathered himself to react she was sitting on the side of the bed trying to orientate herself.

"I've made some rolls" he said, as he said it he was struck by just how feeble it sounded. God he was useless at times like these. How on earth was he going to make her see his actions whilst killing him were best for her? "I was hungry, we didn't have supper, I got some of the good ham from the butchers today. I know how much you like it..." and his voice trailed away into silence as he saw Ruth stand and walk towards-him. For one moment he thought she was going to hit him again but she just stood in front of him, hair tangled, her eyes still cloudy with sleep. She looked twenty years younger than she was and he knew in that moment that he would love and need her forever. _Forever and a day_ a little voice in his head affirmed.

"Just what's going on Harry? What are you doing? You tell me that you want to end our marriage and then you make me bloody ham rolls! Do you know what you can do with your sodding rolls? Well I'll tell you, you can shove them where the sun doesn't shine!"

"I've opened a bottle of wine as well, and I've cut the bun in half, I thought we could share it?"

Ruth looked at him, he was shifting from foot to foot, obviously in pain still but trying his best to give the impression that he was fine, his eyes sad and wistful. Those bloody eyes she thought, I could drown in those eyes, I've always drowned in those eyes. And she gestured to the bed telling him that he should get back in while she poured the wine. As she put their glasses on their respective bedside tables and placed the tray on the bed before joining him under the covers the silence between them was electric. In an effort to break the tension Harry made a stupid joke about getting crumbs in the bed. And then made matters worse by laughing, his silly muttley laugh that transported them both back to his office all those years ago.

They ate their rolls and sipped the wine in silence, Harry smiled shyly as he handed Ruth half of his Chelsea bun. She took it from him and he watched as she ate it with obvious enjoyment. They had a second glass of wine the silence in the room so loud it was almost deafening.

Taking a deep breath Ruth said "Well Harry seems I'm the one who'll have to start this because I can't just walk away without knowing what I've done wrong. How have I fucked up Harry? What have I done that 's so bad that you want me out of your life? You can't just tell me it's over without some sort of explanation. If you ever felt anything at all for me you owe me that surely?"

Taking her plate and his, and with slow deliberation putting them on the tray before he placed it carefully on the floor he was thinking desperately about what he was going to say to her. How did he explain that he loved her enough to save her from him and his love.

He turned to her and he couldn't read her face at all. It was a mask, she was he knew withdrawing into herself so whatever he was going to say would hurt her less. What had he told her all those years ago? Self control, self restraint. She had learnt the lesson well.

"You must understand Ruth that none of this is your fault. The responsibility is all mine. I selfishly thought that you could save me, that you could be my redemption. I was lonely, old and afraid Ruth and you came back into life like a breath of fresh air . You kissed me in the pub and my whole existence was turned on it's axis. For the first time in years I saw a future for myself. A future that wasn't filled with regret and bitterness. A future that didn't wholly consist of me waiting to die, hoping it would be sooner rather than later."

He stopped talking for a moment but Ruth sensed that she should keep quiet ,that he had more to say and if she interrupted him he would never again be prepared to be so open and honest with her. And not for the first time she wished that they had better lines of communication. How could, she wondered, two people love each other so much but be so unable too communicate in the mundane level of words?

"The time we spent away together was magic, it showed me what we could have,showed me what I'd been missing and you were so kind to me Ruth, you were so understanding about , well you know what. And I did something unforgivable I proposed, I put my needs and aspirations before yours. But even then I still truly believed that everything would be fine, that I could be a husband in every sense of the word. But I've let you down and I can't expect you to stay shackled to this, to this useless, broken body. I'm an excuse for a man Ruth and you deserve so much better than this."

And he collapsed back against his pillow exhausted both emotionally and physically by his confession.

 _ **I don't care what they want to do I'm determined to bring them together in the next chapter. Watch this space. Thank you for reading and reviewing.**_


	32. Chapter 32

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Thirty Two

Ruth got out of bed and made her way to the en-suite. She could feel Harry's eyes boring into her back as she moved away from him. She was torn, one part of her wanted to take him in her arms and rock him like a child, to tell him that everything between them would be fine , to tell him that she loved him no matter what. But another part of her wanted to strike out at him, to hurt him as he'd hurt her. Did he think so little of her she wondered that he imagined anything could make her want to leave him. Could make her want to walk away from him. Bloody man she thought as she closed the bathroom door firmly behind her.

Harry watched her as she walked away from him. He felt as though he'd had a huge weight lifted from his shoulders. But he also felt thoroughly ashamed of himself he'd never, ever exposed himself as he'd just done to Ruth. What must she think of him? Well as far as he was concerned he'd just knocked another nail into his coffin. Of course the right thing to do next would be to attack her, to make sure that she left tonight but he couldn't bring himself to do that. That would be so final, no he would try and engineer it so that they parted on good terms. If he could manage that he might get the chance to see her now and then, might get the occasional chance to bask in the warmth she generated in him. No best to stay put and wait for her to come out of the bathroom.

In the bathroom Ruth had a pee, washed her hands, splashed water on her face and cleaned her teeth. As she viewed her reflection in the mirror above the sink she saw such a sad, unhappy woman, a woman who didn't really know what she should do next. A woman in love with a man who proffered that he loved her but at the same time wanted her to leave him. Not for the first time and she brooded, probably not for the last time she cursed Harry Peace and his hold on her. She felt a single tear running down her cheek, no damn it she thought I WILL NOT CRY AGAIN! And squaring her shoulders she decided to sally forth and beard the lion in his den.

When she quietly re-entered the bedroom he was still laid in the bed his hand across his eyes seemingly asleep. "Are you leaving Ruth?" The sound of his voice came as a bit of a shock and she stumbled and nearly fell. Harry shot out of bed catching her before she caught the side of the dressing table with her face and they both ended in a heap on the floor.

Neither of them spoke, both a little winded by the fall but it was Ruth who gathered her wits first

"I think, no I know Harry Pearce that I proposed first. Just so we get that straight in our minds. If this is going to be some sort of contest about who said what, when and where! So first points to me I think. Do you want to carry this on while we're on the floor or shall we make ourselves more comfortable? I'll let you make the choice Harry, you seem to making all the choices for us lately!"

Harry stood with difficulty and helped Ruth up

. "Do you want to go downstairs? Or are you okay here? I can sit in the chair if you like, you get into bed, I don't want you to get cold and after all it is the middle of the night."

"Just get into bloody bed Harry! Just get into bloody bed and stop being so sodding noble or I may have to resort to physical violence. Just get into bed!" And she threw back the duvet on her side of the bed and waited for him to join her.

Harry couldn't help it; he smiled as he turned his back before slipping into bed besides Ruth, in a strange way he was comforted by the thought that he could inspire the need for physical violence in her.

"Right, I'm to talk to your back then. Fine have it your way but I think you might want to see my face when I tell you what's on my mind Harry. But of course the choice is as always yours".

As he turned to face her his face neutral she ploughed on

"Twice Harry, twice I walked away from everything, everything that I knew, everybody that I knew and cared about. Just to keep you safe. Twice I made or attempted to make a new life for myself, all the time mourning for the loss of my hopes and dreams. And do you know what those hopes and dreams were about? No! Don't you dare speak to me! All of my hopes and dreams were centred around you. Always you. What we would say to each other, what it would feel like to lay in your arms, walk in the park with you, sit across the breakfast table from you. All the things that we would learn about each other. Sitting with you in the evening, reading, listening to music. Just being Harry, just being!Just tell me you don't love me Harry and I'll leave now and you'll never see or hear from me again. I can do it Harry if I have to. After all I've had plenty of practice."

And it was her turn to slump against the pillows spent by her emotional outburst.

"You know I love you" he said as he reached for her "You know I love you. I always have and I always will, its just, it's just I convinced myself it would be best for you if I let you go. It would be unfair of me to expect you to stay with me. I didn't mean to hurt you my darling. Of course I don't want you to leave ! I love you but I worry that you'll tire of me, tire of being with half a man. I've discovered that you're a passionate woman Ruth and I'm no good to you am I? I want you so much Ruth, I want to be inside your body so much! I want us to be joined together, I want, I need us to be one person. I need to make you mine, to empty myself inside you. But I can't and I don't expect that I will ever be able to. And that hurts so much and selfishly all I can think of is how it will be when you look at me and see me as I see myself. To watch the love die in your eyes to be replaced by disgust and revulsion would be worse than anything I've ever experienced and I've experienced a lot Ruth."

Ruth shook her head in disbelief

"Sometimes you're such a bloody idiot Harry Peace" she whispered into his shoulder before she pushed herself away from him tears shining in her eyes once more. Speaking louder so that he could hear her she carried on "I seem to remember Harry saying some words not so long ago? Something about for better or worse? richer or poorer,? sickness or health? And by the way when we married I knew all about the problems didn't I? And I still decided to go ahead because I loved, I love you Harry and we can still face this together yes?"

He held her tighter to him and took deep, deep breaths as he tried to control himself. It was more than he hoped for, more than he deserved and he vowed there and then to do anything to make himself worthy of her and her love.

They talked into the early hours of the morning, promising to always be honest with each other, to never let anything fester between them, to always talk about anything that they felt needed attention. Harry especially promised that he would be more open, more Harry Pearce husband and less Harry Pearce Head of Section D. In the end they decided that maybe their first step on the road towards their ultimate goal would be an appointment with Professor Nix. After all he knew Harry and understood somrthing of their background. He had been empathetic when they'd seen him last and they had to start somewhere.

As they drifted off to sleep wrapped in each others arms both felt happier than they had in days. Both of them could see good things ahead of them and even if Harry was still a little unsure of himself and his abilities as a husband he was now sure of one thing. He would not be the one to put an end to this marriage. His last thought as he closed his eyes was of dark curly haired little girl with bright blue eyes running towards him calling "Daddy, daddy, look at me!"

 **This was really difficult to write and I'm not at all sure that I'm happy with it, but the more I fiddle about with it the less I like it. Don't know what to do next, I have a conclusion already and waiting or I could attempt to explain how they get to where I have them. Or is everyone getting fed up with this and the quicker I come to the end the better?**


	33. Chapter 33

Chapter Thirty Four

It was with a definite sense of deja vu that they found themselves in the impressive reception area of Professor Nix's consulting room. They had been fortunate in that the man had agreed to see them so quickly. Harry had rung him the morning after their pledges to one another and after Nix had at first told him it would be at least ten days before he could fit them in he'd rung back later that day and given them an after hours appointment forty eight hours hence.

They'd spent most of that forty eight hours together. Ruth had rung work and told them that she would not be available until the following week and as Harry had remarked

"Well I've got nothing to cancel or re-arrange have I? So whatever you want to do Ruth I'm your man!"

Ruth had thought long and hard about that remark and the slight edge of bitterness that she detected in the words. Harry was not an old man, his razor sharp brain had not been damaged by his brush with death but as far as she could ascertain since the accident he had done nothing to bolster his self esteem and that was something she intended to try and put right. Of course she didn't want to do anything that might put either or both of them in danger, she was well aware that they were both tremendously lucky to have survived as long as they had and she certainly didn't intend to tempt fate now that they had found one another. No nothing dangerous or security related would be acceptable but she did have the germ of an idea that she thought well worth pursuing when things looked a little clearer.

She thought back to yesterday when Catherine had popped in with Ellie, of course Harry had totally ignored the two of them swooping down to grab the baby and take her outside so that they could lay together on the blanket he'd spread on the grass in anticipation. The two women had watched; amused from the patio doors as Harry blew raspberries, wiggled his nose and generally made a fool of himself as the little girl laid back her eyes never leaving her grandfather's face. They both appeared to be in heaven. Suddenly Harry's voice came floating in to the kitchen

"Mummy and Nana think I don't know they are watching us" he said in soft sing song voice "But I do and I think they've got a cheek don't you Ellie? Yes you do don't you? They'd be better occupied making lunch don't you think? That's my girl" he continued as the little girl cooed to him.

As they prepared a chicken salad with warm bread Catherine said "I'm pleased you've sorted out whatever was wrong between you Ruth. I know that Dad can be a pain in the derrière but he doesn't mean half of what he says and does you know. It's just his fail safe position. He's his own worst enemy sometimes."

Ruth had no intention of telling Catherine what the problem was, she would never betray Harry in that manner so she'd just nodded and said that it was quite difficult for both of them to get used to living together, that they were both set in their ways and that there would have to be compromises on both sides but that they were getting there. As they waved Catherine and Ellie off at the end of the visit Harry wound his arm around Ruth and whispered to her

"I love that baby you know, I'll be a good father this time round I promise you that Ruth."

"I know you will" she replied happy that he'd decided that the problems that they were facing could be overcome and that parenthood was still a distinct possibility.

And so here they sat ready to pour their hearts out to a man they both trusted implicitly. Nix came to the door of his office and beckoned them in. After seating themselves and exchanging the usual pleasantries Nix was keen to get down to business and enquired as to how he could assist them. Harry took a deep breath, reached for Ruth's hand and explained as quickly and plainly as he could what their, his problem was.

All the time he was speaking the room was deathly quiet, Ruth and the Professor being well aware what this was costing Harry in pride and self esteem.

When he finally sat back with a look of defeat and shame etched all over his face Nix stepped his fingers together and leant forward and in a soft voice said

"So Harry, we, you've made progress"

Harry looked askance at the assumption that any progress had been made and was about to say so when the man opposite him held up his hand to stop him.

"I mean it Harry, when we last spoke you were having difficulty achieving an erection , now you tell me that more often than not you achieve an erection and that you can maintain that erection until Ruth" and here he looked to Ruth as if asking permission to carry on. When Ruth didn't speak he did just that "Until Ruth touches your penis, is that about right old man? Have you tried not have Ruth touch you at all, have you ever achieved penetration ? No? Well don't give up hope either of you. The fundamentals appear to be in fine working order it's just that you seem to be on a hair trigger Harry that's all. Now I want you talk to someone about this, no I'm not going to send you to Tring, I wouldn't dare! No this is a chap I know who will just talk to you and try to get to the bottom of this little set back."

In the end Harry had agreed and Nix had promised to talk to his colleague that night and urge him to see Harry as soon as possible. He'd also urged them to return to the intamacy that they'd _enjoyed_ before Harry had become so upset and rattled about the whole thing. As Nix had said to him as he walked them to his door

"If you stop even trying Harry it's never going to get better is it? Enjoy the pleasure that you **can** give each other, enjoy each other as often as you both feel like it but for God's sake don't give up! I promise you it will be fine in the end." and then with a definite twinkle in his eye he leant forward and whispered "Trust me I know a doctor!"

The man had rung first thing the next morning, the night before had been quite tense; Harry apparently not feeling confident enough to take the advice Nix had given him had slipped into bed beside Ruth quietly and after kissing her softly he'd wished her good night before turning on his side away from her. Ruth had taken a deep breath and after deciding that making a big deal about being faced with his back would be counter productive she'd moved as close to him as she could wrapping her arms around him as she whispered "Is this okay Harry? I'm not hurting you am I?"

Harry had replied that it was more than okay and they'd both drifted off into a deep sleep not waking until the morning.


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter Thirty Four

It was with a definite sense of deja vu that they found themselves in the impressive reception area of Professor Nix's consulting rooms. They'd been fortunate in that the man had agreed to see them so quickly. Harry had rung him the morning after their pledges to one another and after Nix had at first told him it would be at least ten days before he could fit them in he'd rung back later that day and given them an after hours appointment forty eight hours hence.

They'd spent most of that forty eight hours together. Ruth had rung work and told them that she wouldn't be available until the following week and as Harry had remarked

"Well I've got nothing to cancel or re-arrange have I? So whatever you want to do Ruth I'm your man!"

Ruth had thought long and hard about that remark and the slight edge of bitterness that she detected in the words. Harry was not an old man, his razor sharp brain had not been damaged by his brush with death but as far as she could ascertain since the accident he had done nothing to bolster his self esteem and that was something she intended to try and put right. Of course she didn't want to do anything that might put either or both of them in danger, she was well aware that they were both tremendously lucky to have survived as long as they had and she certainly didn't intend to tempt fate now that they had found one another. No nothing dangerous or security related would be acceptable but she did have the germ of an idea that she thought well worth pursuing when things looked a little clearer.

She thought back to yesterday when Catherine had popped in with Ellie, of course Harry had totally ignored the two of them swooping down to grab the baby and take her outside so that they could lay together on the blanket he'd spread on the grass in anticipation. The two women had watched; amused from the patio doors as Harry blew raspberries, wiggled his nose and generally made a fool of himself as the little girl laid back her eyes never leaving her grandfather's face. They both appeared to be in heaven. Suddenly Harry's voice came floating in to the kitchen

"Mummy and Nana think I don't know they are watching us" he said in soft sing song voice "But I do and I think they've got a cheek don't you Ellie? Yes you do don't you? They'd be better occupied making lunch don't you think? That's my girl" he continued as the little girl cooed to him.

As they prepared a chicken salad with warm bread Catherine said "I'm pleased you've sorted out whatever was wrong between you Ruth. I know that Dad can be a pain in the derrière but he doesn't mean half of what he says and does you know. It's just his fail safe position. He's his own worst enemy sometimes."

Ruth had no intention of telling Catherine what the problem was although she wasn't surprised that Catherine had picked up on some of the tensions between them. She was after all Harry's flesh and blood. But of course as his wife she would never betray Harry in that manner so she'd just nodded and said that it was quite difficult for both of them to get used to living together, that they were both set in their ways and that there would have to be compromises on both sides but that they were getting there. The conversation came to a halt when Harry came in carrying Ellie under his arm, asking for the changing bag. The rest of the visit had been spent just indulging in general chit chat, just the four of them enjoying each others company.

As they waved Catherine and Ellie off at the end of the visit Harry wound his arm around Ruth and whispered to her

"I love that baby you know, I'll be a good father this time round. I know what I missed with Catherine and Graham, I'll be an older father but I'll be a better father. I promise you that Ruth."

"I know you will" she replied happy that he'd decided that the problems that they were facing could be overcome and that parenthood was still a distinct possibility.

And so here they sat ready to pour their hearts out to a man they both trusted implicitly. Nix came to the door of his office and beckoned them in. After seating themselves and exchanging the usual pleasantries Nix was keen to get down to business and enquired as to how he could assist them. Harry took a deep breath, reached for Ruth's hand and explained as quickly and plainly as he could what their, his problem was.

All the time he was speaking the room was deathly quiet, Ruth and the Professor being well aware what this was costing Harry in pride and self esteem.

When he finally sat back with a look of defeat and shame etched all over his face Nix stepped his fingers together and leant forward and in a soft voice said

"So Harry, we, you've made progress"

Harry looked askance at the assumption that any progress had been made and was about to say so when the man opposite him held up his hand to stop him.

"I mean it Harry, when we last spoke you were having difficulty achieving an erection , now you tell me that more often than not you achieve an erection and that you can maintain that erection until Ruth" and here he looked to Ruth as if asking permission to carry on. When Ruth didn't speak he did just that "Until Ruth touches your penis, is that about right old man? Have you tried not have Ruth touch you at all, have you ever achieved penetration ? No? Well don't give up hope either of you. The fundamentals appear to be in fine working order it's just that you seem to be on a hair trigger Harry that's all. I'm not going to do any tests, it's not long since you had the last lot done and apart from putting on more weight I don't suppose anything has changed. Agreed? Good.

Now I want you talk to someone about this, No I'm not going to send you to Tring, I wouldn't dare! No this is a chap I know who will just talk to you and try to get to the bottom of this little set back. Don't worry he's signed the Official Secrets Act, he can be trusted Harry, you can trust him as much as you trust me. Although on reflection maybe that's not far eh? But I sincerely believe we can sort this out for you."

In the end Harry had agreed and Nix had promised to talk to his colleague that night and urge him to see Harry as soon as possible. He'd also urged them to return to the intimacy that they'd _enjoyed_ before Harry had become so upset and rattled about the whole thing. As Nix had said to him as he walked them to his door

"If you stop even trying Harry it's never going to get better is it? Enjoy the pleasure that you **can** give each other, enjoy each other as often as you both feel like it but for God's sake don't give up! I promise you it will be fine in the end." and then with a definite twinkle in his eye he leant forward and whispered "Trust me I know a doctor!"

The man had rung first thing the next morning, the night before had been quite tense; Harry apparently not feeling confident enough to take the advice Nix had given him had slipped into bed beside Ruth quietly and after kissing her softly he'd wished her good night before turning on his side away from her. Ruth had taken a deep breath trying not to feel too hurt. In truth bed was still a bit of a mine field.

She wanted, no craved the feeling of Harry wrapped around her as they slept, she missed the affection that such close contact engendered for them. She did understand that Harry's confidence was still at rock bottom and that he didn't want to start anything that he felt he couldn't finish but really this was just foolish. She moved over and draped her arm around his waist, a waist that was expanding nicely, yes he was putting on weight, looking more like the old Harry and it suited him, made him even more appealing if that was possible. He reached down for her hand and for one long moment she thought that he was going to remove it, she held her breath waiting for him to reject her again.

"That's nice" he said "I'm so sorry Ruth but I just can't, not at the moment. You're being more patient with me than I deserve but I promise that I'll do my best to overcome this. It's not as though I don't want you Ruth, I do, more than anything in this whole wide world, maybe I want you too much? Maybe that's why it keeps going all wrong? I love your hands on my body, any and every part of my body but I just can't control my reaction to you when you touch like that. I'm sorry."

"Can I put my hand under your t shirt?" she asked "It's just I want, need to touch your skin Harry. I won't do anything else I promise, just allow me that please?"

He'd taken her hand and kissed each of her fingers paying special attention to the finger that he'd placed the rings on sending shivers coursing through Ruth's entire body before he'd lifted her hand and re-arranged it under the thin fabric of his top.

"I don't deserve you" he'd muttered as he slipped into a deep sleep. It was a long time until Ruth slept as she allowed her fingers to gently stroke the soft, yielding flesh of his mid-drift listening to the comforting sound of his breathing.

Her last conscious thought as she drifted off to join him in sleep was:-

 _ **We can. We will make this work!**_

 **I've had so much grief with this I very nearly decided to just stop writing and give it up as a bad job! This is not what I envisaged. I'm sorry it's more of a filler to keep me on track so I can get to where I want to be. Hopefully the next chapter will be more acceptable all I need is the time to get it down on _paper!_ Anyone got a spare few hours they can send me?**


End file.
